(Unfortunate but) True Facts About Dolphins

they obsessively store their waste in small clear containers called "jars".

all dolphins share a belief that undertipping keeps waiters hungrier, and therefore more servile.

wrapping 4 to 6 week old kittens in saran wrap and bouncing them on a trampoline is a popular dolphin yuletide custom.

dolphins normally greet each other by saying "you think you're so great but you're not".

as was illustrated in the hit film "scream", dolphins are notorious prank phone callers and do not know when they are going over the line.

there are no dolphins in dollywood. i checked. not in person. but i'm pretty sure there aren't. and who doesn't love dolly parton?

dolphins opt for 1-ply bathroom tissue over 2-ply, and they feel buying name brand toilet paper is a waste of money because you're just going to wipe your butt with it anyway.

dolphins invented 'american idol'.

if you should ever need to ask a dolphin what time it is, they will ALWAYS answer, "time for you to lay off the donuts, fattie!"

dolphins giggle falsely. they take pride in this.

finally, not to get you panicked or anything, but a dolphin is probably trying to sell your mom some stolen fake turquoise jewelry at this very moment.

just sayin'.

loved them ever since prince's song 'endolphinmachine'

Dolphins are okay with me.

But I hate the hype.

They're totally in rite now and I'm annoyed by all these people with their dolphin figurines and license plates and dashboard decorations. It's a pet peeve of mine.

And I could never befriend a dolphin figurine collector.

Yeah fuck dolhpins. With their beady eyes and small eerie teeth and shit. And that ...that...echolocation. WTF that shit ain't natural. Watch out for those bastards. You'll be laying in bed at night thinkin' you're safe and they'll be echolocatin' yer ass.

Anx said:

bastards!

Blasted things always get tangled up in my nets whenever I'm fishin' for tuna!

Them & those filthy Mexicans.

luv4all7 said:

TRUE: dolphin collectors are instructed to create life-sized effigies of prince out of straw and burn them in symbolic ritual sacrifices as requested by their dolphin overlords. hence the song from 'gold xperience'.

XxAxX said:

Illustrator said:

Thats a total signature. I'd take it, but I'm scared! Oh, nevermind. I'm takin it anyways. Thanks!

tyra banks is EXTREMELY afraid of them!

madartista said:

she should be. she's first on their list.

I think CarrieMPLS hates them!

applekisses said:

well, dolphins supply geese with most of their heroin, so i'm guessing carrie probably DOES hate dolphins, just out of conscience.

EVERYONE loves dolphins. That is a fact.

Anx said:

Plus, don't you think the geese wouldn't be acting so fucked up if the dolphins weren't pushing junk on them all the time?

minneapolisgenius said:

that's what the dolphins want you to believe.

and guess who owns most of our airwaves and print media?



i'll give you a clue: "SQUEEEEE! SQUEEEE!"

Dolphins don't take pride in their false giggling! most of them are quite ashamed of that social habit!

ya see? mix a little poison in with the truth, and all of a sudden people are floggin' on dolphins.

Anx said:

They can do anything they want. Their cuteness overrules everything.

Some of my best friends are dolphins!

HiinEnkelte said:

truly spoken like someone who would like to wish away the existence of "Them Dolphins, They Was Messing With My Suzette," The Journal of False Giggling, Vol. 206, June 1993.

Look, I would like to just un-fact everything that's been printed by the scientific community too, but either way I still wake up in a world where I know dolphins hate me.

HiinEnkelte said:

Ina Garden does that too. I hate it.

fathermcmeekle said:

I've met your friends.

Just a bunch of blow-holes if you ask me.

Illustrator said:

Ha ha! The jokes on you! I don't have any friends!

fathermcmeekle said:

TRUE: 85% of all vandalism incidents reported in russia and parts of wisconsin - well, i'm sure i don't even have to finish this sentence, do i?

Anx said:

Are caused by Senior Citizens!?!

Illustrator said:

Anx said:

wisconsin.

fathermcmeekle said:

No, but close. Dolphins.

Anx said:

Old dolphins?