.

As some of you might know, today is World Aids Day, and it's yet another reminder for most of us of how little we know about HIV/AIDS and what it's like living with it. I, for one, know the basics about how it spreads but since media even to this day remains largely silent about it (as if ignoring it would make it go away ) I have no clue what it could feel like to be hiv positive, nor do I know how I should approach someone who is.

Thanks to Prince's incredibly and wonderfully diverse fanbase though, we have the chance to hear about it from somone who has experienced it and experiences it every day first hand. Orger Chris Borgman has graciously agreed to answer questions about HIV and has promised to be an open book for those of you who would like to add even more questions.

A great big thank you to you Chris, for sharing your story and enlightening us.



BACKGROUND

1. How long have you been HIV positive?

4 years.

2. How old were you when you got it?

I had just turned 25.

3. How much did you know about HIV before you got it?

I knew a fairly decent amount. Growing up as an out gay teen, I was well educated on the topic from sources outside of school.

The sexual education in the Texas public schools I attended was severely lacking. It seemed to follow the abstinence policy of talk a lot about abstinence, talk about all the diseases you can get in big, overdramatic shock tactic ways to scare you into abstinence, briefly mention forms of birth control without really telling much about how they work or how to use them correctly, and hope that will be enough.

It wasn’t. Schools in our area had an exceedingly high rate of teen pregnancy, and had a separate school devoted to pregnant teenagers and people at high risk for dropping out.

However, having been out since I was 14, I was regularly made aware of how HIV works, how to prevent infection, safe and unsafe sexual practices, and other information through the gay community.

4. Did you routinely use protection back then?

Yes. I had a rather ribald and lengthy sexual history from the time I was very young, but I was always very safe about it.

5. Who did you get it from? Boyfriend or a temporary liaison?

Derek, my boyfriend.

6. Did he know at the time that he was HIV positive?

He wasn’t positive when we met. Mine is a rather unusual case. After he and I had been together a while, he said he wanted to stop using condoms. I said provided we were monogamous and both got tested first, I would be fine with that. It turned out that he was picking up guys from chat rooms and having unprotected sex with them too while we were together, and brought it home to me and infected several other guys in the process.

I have always found it funnily ironic that after years of being a total slut, it was monogamy that got me.

7. How did you find out that you'd gotten it? Could you feel it physically, or were you completely unaware until you got the test results?

I can actually pinpoint the week I became infected. Derek and I had sex Friday night, and then Saturday, he myself, and several of my best friends went tubing down the Comal river. When we got home, I fell right asleep. I chalked it up to being out in the sun for hours, and when I woke up, I was still very tired. I didn’t think much of it, as the Texas sun can be merciless that way. The next day, I woke up and felt ill., like I had a cold or the flu. I rested a lot, drank a lot of OJ, etc Sunday. Monday, I woke up and felt worse, like I had a bad case of the flu. I ended up missing work through Thursday, and just could not shake it. It was like I had a really horrific case of flu, and my temperature would not go below 100.

Eventually, my friends got annoyed with my refusal to go to the doctor, and made me go. The doctor tested me for everything under the sun. I was convinced it was West Nile Virus, as we had going tubing down the river, and that summer, WNV had broken out in Texas via mosquito bites which are common near the river.

She tested me for HIV at the same time which came back negative. When I went back to see her after a week solid of this crazy mystery sickness, she told me then that I should continue to test for HIV. I told her that Derek and I were monogamous, so it wasn’t really necessary. She insisted again, and I kind of nodded and smiled, and chalked it up to mild homophobia. You tell someone you’re gay, they sometimes think that means you are also HIV-positive.

About 2 months later, Derek got a call from the CDC (center for Disease Control) that he had been named as a previous sexual contact by someone who had tested positive.

I reassured him that everything would be fine, since we had just both tested negatively recently he when we stopped using condoms, and me 2 months ago. It had to have been someone before we had gotten together.

So he went to get his test and it cam back positive.

8. What was your first reaction?

There are actually two points that awareness hit. The first was when Derek got his test results back. I was standing outside the theatre in costume, smoking just before one of the last few rehearsals for a show I was in at the time. I was just smoking, running lines in my head, and the phone rang, and it was Derek. He had gotten his test results back early, and they were positive. There I am in my 18th century British Naval Officer uniform, smoking, and reality just comes crashing down around me with a huge heavy WHAP! It was a really bizarre moment in life.

Well, I pretty much knew right there and then I was going to have get a test the next day, and knew the result would be positive. I kind of went into shock. I put my cigarette out and went in the theatre to do the dress rehearsal. I missed my first entrance, and the friend of mine who played opposite me in the show came and asked me what happened, and I just let loose about the call. He took me to the director, who sent me home. I immediately started driving to my friends Zach and Jacque’s house, and just came unglued on them. I let everything come out, and they just let me talk it out until I was so freaked out I couldn’t finish a sentence, just stuttering and jumping from thought to thought. They kept upbeat about it, called in sick to work and took me the next day to get my test.

By the time I got my actual test results, I had already made peace with it. I sat in a chair in the office, and the woman said "You’re test results came back positive. I am sorry." And then sat there silently to see what I was going to do.

I kind of nodded, pulled idly at a piece of string coming from the ripped knee on my jeans, and asked if she had a cigarette. She frowned and said "You need to quit smoking." I turned to her and calmly said "Do you really think that NOW is the time to lecture me about smoking?" She made a pissed off face, and angrily dialed another counselor who smoked. He came and got me and we sat outside looking at the fall leaves on the trees and smoking.

Actually, the only time I have ever really gotten emotional about it and cried was after seeing an IMAX documentary about space travel narrated by Tom Cruise like a week after finding out the test results. As the film was ending, Tom was saying "But these people are no different than you or I, anyone can be an astronaut" and I, like an idiot got kind of teary. My friend Chad, whom I have known for 13 years looked over at me and asked "Are you crying?"

"No" I lied.

"Why are you crying?" he asked.

"I’ll never be an astronaut" I blubbered.

"Well, of course you’ll never be an astronaut! But not because you’re positive. You’ll never be an astronaut because you’re really dumb in science!"

9. Who did you initially tell about it? What was their first reaction?

Post results, I called Zach and Jacque, who had been by my side always, and especially the night of Derek’s results. Then I called my mother. Everyone reacted to it calmly, although all three have said they lost it after they hung up.

10. What did the person that you got it from say, and what were the immediate effects on your relationship with him?

When Derek got his results, he confessed that he had been picking up guys in chat rooms on gay.com, and cheating on me the whole time. He apologized over and over and being the romantic, forgiving person I am, I tried to make the relationship work. I thought "it will bring us closer together, he won’t cheat again", etc.

But, my mind betrayed my heart. Every time we would start to get intimate, my body would lock up and I would not want to have sex.

Eventually, I came to my senses and left him right after Thanksgiving.

11. How were you treated by the doctors? Did you feel like they gave you enough support, and did you get enough information? What could they have done better?

I liked my doctor. It was really funny actually. I went in prepared to be told that I needed to quit smoking my cigarettes and weed.

"Do you smoke?" he asked.

"Yes, but I am going to quit, I know I need to quit now."

He shrugged. "If you want to smoke, smoke." He said.

I looked at him, surprised and disturbed.

"What?" he asked. Then he kind of rolled his eyes. "Yes, as a doctor, quit smoking. Quit smoking now." He said in a comically flat voice.
"But you don’t have to. It’s fine. Do you do drugs?"

"I smoke weed, but I am going to quit, I know I-"

"Please" he said. "If we lived in California, I would write you a prescription now. Marijuana is great for people with HIV. It keeps your appetite up, is a great painkiller, relaxes you."


LIVING WITH HIV

1. Assuming that even your acquaintances know about your condition today, how long did it take before you felt ready to tell them about it? What were their reactions?

I tend to tell people pretty early if I think I am going to be friends with them. Reactions vary. I really hate the pity effect, so I have managed to find a way of telling them that makes it as soft and easy as possible. When they cry, I remind them that I have never cried about it, so they shouldn’t either.

2. Do your employers know? What were their reactions?

Yes. I find it necessary to tell them because in the million to one chance something happens, like a medical emergency where I am bleeding, I don’t want them to get infected by accident. Better safe than sorry.

3. Some say that in times of great distress, you find out who your real friends are. Do you agree with that?

Completely.

4. How many people couldn't handle the situation and cut off the friendship? What were their reasons for doing so? Fear of the actual disease or something else?

I have not had friends do so. People I am dating, however

5. Do you feel like being HIV positive has brought you closer to some people? If so, who and in what way?

Honestly, no. I was always someone that forms close bonds, so it didn’t really affect any of my friendships one way or another.

6. Do you know other people with HIV? How are they handling their situation? Does it vary a lot from person to person?

Surprisingly, I know very few. There are a few orgers who are, but those are really the only other positive people in my life. I tried going to a support group right after my diagnosis, but all it did was bring me down. The people in the group had known for years, and were sitting around bemoaning it. I had known 2 weeks at that point, and was dealing with it much better than they were.

7. If you're at a party where most people don't know you, and people start talking about HIV or a related topic, do you tell them that you have it? If so, what are usually their reactions?

Yes, I do. People are way too often mis- or uneducated about it, so I use it as an opportunity to teach.

People always have tons of questions, which I always answer. Sometimes they cry, and I point out my no cry rule.

8. How would you want people to react when you tell them about your situation?

Take it in stride. Worse things happen to better people. It’s just a part of life. I appreciate when it affects them emotionally, because I know it means they care, but I don’t like people crying about it. It’s not that big of a deal.

9. What is the best reaction you've ever gotten from somebody?

I won’t specify who, unless the person wants to name themselves, and I would ask the people who were there to keep quiet about it as well, unless the person wants to claim it.

While hanging out with orgers at an invasion, someone swept me up into their arms, and was totally and incredibly strong about it. They said they had wanted to hold me like this and make me understand how incredible of a person I am and how my being positive did not change that, and how I deserved someone incredible in my life. They told me it would be okay, that I had a bright and long future ahead of me, and love in great effect from them and so many others.

It really tore me up. I am used to being the strong one in the situation, the one to reassure, to comfort. This person was probably the first person who turned the table. I cried in their arms and they held me close, closer than I have ever been held and refused to let go until I released all the anxieties and worry and self-doubt.

It was incredible.

10. What is the worst reaction you have ever gotten from somebody?

Never had a bad reaction. Ave had people like break down, but never a bad reaction. Have had people I was dating end it because of, but I totally understand that.

11. Do you feel like people that know about your condition are reluctant to hug you, or even to shake hands with you? If so, how do you feel about that? How do you handle it?

I have never noticed anyone that had been comfortable with physical contact prior to knowing stop being comfortable. If anything, people tend to want to hug me more.

12. How has your actual physical condition developed over the years? Do you feel the same today as before you got HIV?

Pretty much the same, though my weight has gone up, because I have been eating worse.

13. How do you feel about the medication? Are the side effects as bad as the rumors say?

I hated the meds, and quit taking them after a year. Side effects vary, but they were causing me to have these intensely and horrifically vibrant nightmares.

14. Are you sensitive to infections, or does that only happen to people that have AIDS?

I’m not, but my t-cell count is pretty high. When your t-cells deplete below 200 (marking the passage from positive to AIDS, you do become susceptible.

I have rarely gotten more than a slight cold since becoming positive.

15. How often do you think of your condition? Every hour? Every day? Every week? More rarely?

Honestly, at least a few times daily. Anytime I see some cute guy, that is my second thought.

16. How are you handling it emotionally? Do you feel anger? Regret? Sadness? Or do you accept reality for what it is?

I am pretty relaxed about it. I always point out to people that I had a childhood that you read about with tremendous horror in news articles, full of all 4 kinds of abuse, and years in foster homes where the abuse went from coming to my family to coming from a different family.

In comparison to the trauma I survived as a child, this is sooooo not the biggest curveball I have had thrown at me.

17. What is your sex life like today? Do you worry about infecting others because of a broken condom for example?

Well, I am only a bottom, which drops rate of infection for my partner significantly, I only have anal sex with the special ones, and always with a condom. I am very safe, as infecting someone else would really make the whole positive thing a LOT harder for me to deal with.

I am still pretty sexually active, just with caution.

18. In general, in what ways is life different from the time before you got HIV?

Not to make it sounds glamorous and great, but I am a lot more focused and embracing of life now then I was before.

19. What can we as friends do to help?

I am constantly amazed and touched by the outpouring of compassion and empathy I get from the org when it comes to this. Keep doing what ya’ll are doing, it helps.

THE FUTURE

1. Do you find it more difficult to make plans for the future because of your condition?

Yes, actually. That’s a bit of a downside.

2. If you don't have a boyfriend, do you worry that it might be difficult to find one because of your condition? Is the gay community more accommodating in this regard than the heterosexual community?

It is excruciatingly difficult to find a relationship minded gay man who will take on a positive partner who is not the physical ideal to begin with.

3. Do you think you will ever be cured? If not, how do you feel about that?

Honestly, no. I hate saying that, as it really bothers people, but no. I doubt I will see a cure in my lifetime.

I am fine with it. Since I was very young, I have always kind of known that I would die in my mid-40s, and talked about it often. Now I know how it will probably happen, I am I am kind of fine with that.

4. What should the global community do to prevent the spread of HIV and increase the tolerance for those that have it?

Educate yourself , your children, anyone who will listen. Sexual education in this country is in jeopardy, and people receive minimalist information that is intended to shock them into behaving a certain way.

Be honest with your children. Teach them honestly what sex is, the versions of it, how to use a condom, the importance of it, how to do everything safely. Because the alternative is them finding out by trial and error, and it is how a lot of teen pregnancies and STDs happen.

I know it doesn’t necessarily apply in my case, but proper sexual education is extremely important!
[Edited 12/1/06 22:05pm]

I love you retina.


I love cborgman too.


there, I said it.

Chris you make me want to give you the biggest hug you really are amazing...and I hope you're reminded of that every single day

I CAN'T WAIT to see you in April

Thank you Chris, for sharing your story with us You know I love you.

I will read later when I can concentrate on it.

But even before, thanks for sharing, and thansk for taking the time, both of you.




I have more than one friend living with HIV and loads of friends who work with AIDS on a daily basis, so I seem to forget what it can be like and mean to not really know much. This is a very personal and wonderful way to educate.

Thanks for sharing.

Thank you

chris

thank you all!

if anyone has any questions they would like toask, please feel free

Consider it claimed! I love you!

Chris has shared alot with us, and because of his willingness to be so open, we here on the Org have learned alot, and cared alot.

Thank you Mr. Cborgman. :fA:

Afraid I have broken your tears policy... again

I am so proud of you and your strength....I know you are just being you but there are others out there who gain the courage to live and to soar when they have a soul like yours to learn from.

wow.

I never cease to be amazed by the courage of people here on the Org.

Retina - your interview was very enlightening. I finished reading and felt I really had an appreciation for what life was like for Chris and others living with HIV and some of the questions I had in my head as I read were answered as I read down further. Excellent questions.

Chris - I hadn't realised you were HIV Positive. Thank you for your honesty. I knew very little about how people live with HIV and really appreciate the insight you have given me.

I have always seen you as someone with great positivity and enthusiasm for life. My view of you hasn't changed but reading about your early life, foster homes and current illness makes me think you are an even more remarkable individual than I had previously realised.

I really feel "connected" to life at the moment through reading your words. Thankyou.

God bless, both of you
xxx

Muse2NOPharaoh said:

I thought it might have been you

Chris..you are an inspiration for all who live with HIV and those who know someone living with it. I know a few people with HIV and though its a hard pill to swallow...they have a perspective on life that most of us don't.

Thank you for your courage!

VpB aka Manny

Chris


Retina thank you so much for this thread

cborgman said:

cborgman said:

Wow! What a wonderful interview. Thank you for sharing such personal details with us. It could save someone's life.

I have a question. In the interview, you said you'd only had a slight cold in the whole time you've been HIV positive. I find that truly amazing. (for someone who is HIV positive or not) Do you take vitamins to keep your immune system in good shape, and are there situations you avoid to keep from getting sick? Is it a big concern for you?

I guess that was more than one question.

thank you for sharing your story.

thank you for sharing that, great interview!

Thanks for sharing; amazing interview.
And very inspirational, too.

UCantHavaDaMango said:

well, slight cold a few times.

no, no vitamins. but i do drink a lot of OJ and eat a lot of citrus

ok, .

That's all.