Anx said:

Exactly, when you're lucky enough to find a friend like that you hold on to it... no matter how much time or what's going on you and that person can pickup or reconnect everytime like no time has passed at all, it's priceless... I was very blessed and lucky I have two people in my life like that.

SnakePeel said:

and i'd agree most of the time, but sometimes you do have those long-term relationships, sometimes even when you least expect them. My friend Natalie and I met at orientation for college, she moved the next year to new orleans and finished her degree there, then went to Emory in Atlanta for her phd. She came back to Mpls 2 years ago. We never lost touch, saw each other at least once a year and she and I are as close as ever more than 10 years later.
She's one of the people worth keeping up with. She's worth the effort. And I'm honored to know she obviously feels that way about me too.

It's not only possible, it's likely...

Friends should not bring drama & toxicity into your life - it's one thing if someone is going through a hard time, quite another if they routinely disrespect you & step over boundaries. This sounds like one you need to let go - I know you wish her well w/ separating from her husband & all but it's not your responsibility to get her through this, especially when she's lashing out for no good reason (how much sense can high people make anyway??)

I only have ONE friend left from when I was 5 or 6 years old (there were 4 of us) - we're still close but I have my limits w/ her & know we can't hang out a lot b/c I consider her somewhat toxic (don't ask why I stay close to her )

But my closest friends are from junior high & I'm lucky if I see them once a year or talk to them more than 3 times in a year - life gets in the way but when we do talk or come together it's comfortable. The norm of a friendship should always be comfortable imo, otherwise what kind of friend are they really??

Drop her like a hot potato, she's not worth it. You don't need people like that, to follow you around and stress you out and unload all their shit on you.

yes

psychodelicide said:

That label always makes me cringe since it makes it sound like it's a contagious disease or something. "Oh, she's toxic! Run for your life!".

I just feel that human relationships are more complex than that, and that there are more options on the table than "kicking that shit to the curb" or "dropping her like a hot potato" as others have suggested. In my opinion a knee-jerk reaction like that isn't an appropriate response to a decade-long development.

Only you, gemini13, know this person and her history well enough to deal with her appropriately. Although I do think you need to put your foot down, I also imagine that there are many past experiences of this person's actions and personality that you can draw conclusions from. Maybe there's a pattern in her destructive behaviour? Sometimes you only need to change one thing in order to trigger a whole series of changes.

Either way it's probably good to think about this before losing a friend that you've known for that long. If there was once a close connection between you and it's circumstances rather than personal growth that has made you drift apart, I'm sure there's a way to find your way back, at least to a certain extent.

retina said:

so true

Well, I'm pretty sure that she won't be contacting me again.

I know it's wrong, but I wrote her an email and unloaded EVERYTHING I've always wanted to tell her but didn't.

I couldn't help myself.

gemini13 said:

Honesty is so important. It's good that she now knows where you stand.

PurpleKnight said:

I pretty much told her that I was not obligated to fix the choices that she made, and that a little humility was in order for her.

retina said:

Sorry if you dislike it, but I'm calling it as I see it.

gemini13 said:

Good for you! You did the right thing.

I have a friend who's extremely old with a goiter that's extremely substantial.
That's a part of him I hope I never grow.

Oh man, I hear you. I have tried and tried again to maintain certain old friendships. Finally, this year, I have let them all go, and it's the best thing I ever did. I wasted a lot of time and energy on these people, only to get hurt and abused. Fuck that fuck that fuck that. By letting these people go in my heart, in my brain, I am a much healthier person overall. I have much more room for fulfilling, exciting, healthy relationships. And now I know I don't need anybody because my life is an ongoing creation. I want to grow toward the future, not constantly mop up the past. If they wander back into my life, I'll be cordial, but it will be a superficial relationship and that's okay! What I have done to replace the nostalgia bit, was reignite friendships with people in my past who were less close to me, or even make new friends with people who shared that part of life with me. That's a great antidote and I highly recommend it.

psychodelicide said:

I agree, I don't think you'll regret it. I had a good friend from high school and I thought we had simply drifted away from each other because of life circumstance. She was always expecting me to lend her money. Eight years after I last spoke to her she calls me up and tells me that she has been holding a grudge against me because I spoke sharply to her when she was unwilling to come celebrate my birthday. I had no recollection of it and when she told me what I had said, I thought, "Really?" "Awesome! I finally spoke up to your ass!"

retina said:

If you think that you can change someone else's destructive behavior, dream on. If someone comes to me for help and is very, very, very sincere, I'll walk around the globe for them. But who is ever sincere about genuine change? People are the way they are and to harbor illusions about them changing is like stepping into a bear trap, especially if they are a friend and especially if they are a friend from the past.

Yup.

It's happening to me now.

We remained friends for the longest time, but they are now getting married. This eventually translates into having less in common to talk about.

Imago said:

that's not entirely true. although couples do seem to exist in their own little world at times.

JasmineFire said:

Yeah, I had married friends who used to hang out with me alot even though I was single and went clubbing alot.

But they eventually ended up divorced or cheating on their women.


But, I agree, I guess it's possible. I just having seen it in my life.
Most of my married friends seem so alien to me now, and vice versa. And it's hard for me to be around kids who I am not related to. I hate them.

Imago said:

yeah, i'm not that big into kids either. i see what you're saying. i'm only friends with one married couple at the moment and they're pretty cool to hang out with. They're not having kids yet and we're all the same age.

The only strange thing to me is that sometimes i just can't wrap my mind around being married. the whole thing seems so strange to me, especially recently, and I can't figure out why. Oh well...that's for another thread.
[Edited 12/16/06 16:44pm]

Imago said:

I think it depends on the people or the couple because I have married friends who are really cool to hang out with but then I do have some married friends who seem like aliens period.

heartbeatocean said:

Wow, aren't you mrs Bitter... It sounds like you've had some very specific bad experiences?

We've all had those, but I still definitely think that people can change, or actually let me rephrase that, I know that people can change, especially if they're changing back to what they were before (because that former self is still embedded within them). And like I said, there's a difference between drifting apart because of personal growth (which is a natural part of evolving as a human being) and to drift apart because of circumstances.

Difficult circumstances, such as the ones described in the original post, can bring out the worst in people and they can come across as charicatures of themselves or even as something that deep down isn't them at all, and when those circumstances change, they sometimes go back to their old selves and their old way of relating to the people around them. So what I'm suggesting is not that you remold their entire personalities, I'm just suggesting that you can help them deal with the circumstances that has caused them to change in the first place. That is definitely doable because I've done it myself many times.

retina said:

I'm not Mrs. Bitter, cute phrase though. I try to come from a position of compassion and love whenever possible. And I know people can change because I have done it myself. I have changed dramatically in certain ways and experienced healing in my life.

I'm not sure what you mean by changing people's circumstances, because issues such as drug addiction and falling into abusive relationships are serious issues that are not simply due to circumstance. They're compulsions which get repeated unless the source of the issue is addressed.

Not only is it possible to grow apart from old friends, it's a natural process. You don't lose everyone, just those whose values and ethics are different or when you don't have anything in common. How many of you still see grade school buddies? (I have 2 I still see)
Some people stay in the same place and some move on and experience the rest of the world, change their lives, perspectives, accepting other cultures etc.
Anyone who grew up in a small town and left, know what I'm talking about.
[Edited 12/16/06 20:38pm]

JasmineFire said:

Only ONE of my married friends reaches out to me on a regular basis But that's probably b/c she's across the country & I'm on her email list to receive at LEAST 50 pics of her kids per week

But my other married friends don't surface much, which I understand completely. We're still cool but in general I try not to bother them b/c I figure they're busy most of the time, definitely don't hang out w/ their husbands b/c I'm only cool w/ one & just recently became cordial w/ the other one


I dunno, muthafuckas be trippin'

CalhounSq said:

[Edited 12/17/06 9:15am]