Or is it just me?

It seems that over the past few years, all of my old friends from grammar and high school are dropping like flies. Well, really, I'm the one dropping them because of their behavior.

I've got a friend I've known since we were five years old. She got into crystal meth several years ago, but I've tried to be as loyal as I could. She wrote to me the other day, letting me know that she's finally leaving her horribly abusive husband (he has gone to jail for beating her and her then two year old son). She moved in with him when he got out of jail. Anyway, she wrote to me, hinting that she wanted to live with me to get away from him. I was sick the last two days and couldn't respond. I get an email yesterday where she just told me off, telling me all of the things that she thinks are wrong with me, i.e, I'll never change, she's been there for me and I haven't done anything for her (which is total bullshit), how I don't care about her kids, etc.

Should I just drop this friend for good? What would you do?

long term friendships come and go, i think. if they haven't done anything to really threaten or hurt you - if it's just growth and distance that's the issue - just go on with life. let them catch up with you when they can. one day you'll be happy you didn't erase them from your life for good.

Anx said:

Ugh, I knew someone was going to say that. She has hurt me in the past. She's the girlfriend that flirts with your boyfriend, she's rolled on me so many times and I've come back for more. I didn't warrant that kind of "lecture" from her. I guess I'm just confused about it.

I can deeply relate ... I am going through this in my life with many of my firends



I agree with Anx as well

gemini13 said:

I had a friend the other week "lecture" me as well..in my shortcomming ( that no one knows as well as I that I have !! )

I thanked her for her perspective...sent her loved and then backed away from her

I think sometimes, for whatever reasons...we can be like mirrors to our loved ones ... and they will see aspects of themselves in us and then point a finger when really it is them that they may be speaking about

everything my friend lectured me about ...i could see in myself, though more important to me was the lesson of seeing that what she saw in me was exactly what i saw in her ...

Mach said:

Thanks, at least I'm not alone.

sometimes letting a friend go is the only way they will get help. or learn to help themselves.

gemini13 said:

well, if she's toxic, kick that shit to the curb. some people you have good memories with, but the maintenance isn't worth the nostalgia.

Anx said:

Very true. I think a lot of the time, the comfort of familiarity kinda overshadows our sense of what's best for ourselves.

This person sounds destructive. You don't need that in your life.

i agree with what anx and the others have said ..... i feel i am older .... now ... some of my dear friends from high school have moved FAR away ... but we still manage to keep in touch every year or so ... emails ... etc ... we all have new familys ... etc

i think the drugs sound like they have really complicated your relationship with this gal .... my personal opinion is that they seem to have clouded her perception alot .... maybe you should tell her something like that ... that you always want to be friends ,etc ... but feel betrayed somewhat by her decisions to hang with that "beating boyfriend/hubby " etc and the crystal meth , etc ....

my wife recently has a similar situation ... with an old gal pal of hers ... this gal pal always had issues .... alcohol related mostly ... but also boyfriend/hubby , etc ... as her hubby i tried NOT to give advice to my wife regarding her gal pal... (besides understanding stuff) ... i still think my wife will always be friends with this gal altho this gal WILL NOT change ... we shall see ...

yes... it's sad but gradually I'm learning that it's something you have to just go with. I never had many real friends growing up but the ones I did have I seem to have grown apart from now, especially since I left Australia. I feel like I have more close friends over this side of the world now, than back home. The plus side is that the door has opened to friendship, over the last few years, that I could not have imagined...

I'm afraid a long time friend of mine and I have grown apart as well.

I've kept the door open. I still call to touch base, but I think the relationship has changed to the point where we won't get together like we use to.



Friendship is a rather touchy subject for me right now. It's hard to explain, but while I know that I have casual friends, I feel that I don't have close friends.

I have made great, close friends here, but IRL...I do most things either alone or with my daughters.

So, what feels like the loss of my oldest friend, is especially hard.

Heiress said:

gemini13, it sounds like maybe this is just what your friend needs?

Most friendships in life are temporary. Just a fact. I've moved around my entire life, so I don't really have any strong friendships remaining from my childhood/adolesence. I've reconnected with a few via MySpace, but it's a very 2-dimensional "hey, whatcha been up for the last decade?" friendship.

gemini13 said:

That's terrible that your friend got so angry with you for not responding right away. It's not your fault you were sick for the last two days and couldn't give her the answer that she was looking for. Maybe if you told her why you did not respond right away she'll understand. If she's still angry with you, then she's not a true friend, and yes, you should drop her.

gemini13 said:

Let her go, she sounds toxic.

from personal experience, yes. my best friend from high school and I stayed friends for many years after college, then just stopped talking to each other.
we reconnected 17 years ago, and are close friends again
I had an arguement with my friend who was best man at my wedding, didn't speak for 2 years, and are now friends again

it takes communication

psychodelicide said:

yeah she does. and any friend that feels you are obligated to do something for them because of how long you've known each other despite you having your own life and family is really not a friend anyway-a friend would just be a friend and not expect those things out of you; and a friend does things for you because they want to-not because they expect something in return. since you just got married there's no way she'd be moving in. her drug problem would cause problems. i think the best way would be to assist her in finding place or references to social services that can help her get away from her boyfriend and find a safe place for her and her child.
[Edited 12/15/06 10:42am]

Yes, it's very possible.

Heiress said:

I agree I've had to do that with family as well as friends you do have to let them go or fall sometimes because if you’re not careful you may find you've gone from helping them to enabling them.

Anx said:

I also agree with Anx as well and I think deep down you know which friendships to let go of and which ones to hold on to and let them catch up with you... I'm a firmly believe that friendships are precious and when you find you have one that’s true you hold on to it with both hands.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

i have a friend who lives in dekalb and is a teacher at the college she graduated from. we've been friends since 5th grade. we dont see or talk to eachother much but we always check up on each other to see whats going on. especially birthdays and stuff like that. its possible to grow apart but thats only if you let it.

brownsugar said:

that's one thing and I definitely have those kinds of friendships, ones that we don't see each other every day but no amount of time comes in between the fact that we can pick right back up as if we saw each other yesterday.

Karla's thing is different, not that you can't see that , but I have had to drop friends and tell them to call me when they've gotten their act together. It's a harder dilemna when a kid is involved. Maybe Karla, you can just reply honestly and tell her why you cannot have her in your house and why you cannot have her in your life right now, especially considering the drug abuse.

It happened to me.

When I lived in the Azores, I had a very special chilhood friend.

I went there a few years later, and she changed so much. She became so vapid and devoid of content. It really hurt alot because she was like a sister and she helped ease my lonely childhood...

People change with time

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

yeah the drug thing is a big problem. it can really disrupt things

Last night I was reunited with an old friend - one I had a terrible crush and haven't seen since 92 I found his email address, we exchanged photos and video clips and he even sent me a song! SO COOL!!!!

it's the best!

absolutely.

We all grow differently, sometimes even the closest friends don't take the same direction. Change is good.

all my old friends pretty much fade away into the distance, instead of me growing apart from them.

Indeed!

My friend and I have known each other since we were 5 years old.

She married, had a family, grandkids.. At that point she couldn't separate our friendship from her family.. Our conversations always turned to her kids, and grandkids. Which is ok, but for a single, childless lady it gets boring.

Now her husband and I remain closer friends.. ANd, he can make me laugh like a hyena..

NAnomaly said:

i've known my best friend since we were both around 20 years old, and even though we're not nearly in touch as much as we used to be (or as much as i'd like), i think we totally have an understanding that our lives are going different places and every now and then we call or e-mail and check in with each other. i try to visit her at least once a year, and we always have a great time. i may not know the her of "now" as well as her current close friends, but we know each other in a way most of our other friends don't know us, and that's really worth holding on to.