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Printablebadujunkie said: ...and she has no idea? It's been 5 years. Has boyfriend. No clue how I feel. Do I go cold turkey, do I tell her, do I continue to lie and pretend it's not there?
It'll never happen. If you tell her, it'll only make things weird. Your only hope of making this girl?: take some time off and completely makeover your look and personality (and, I don't have to tell you, pretending to be someone you are not is really no "hope" at all). On the bright side: the divorce rate is 50% and rising and this doesn't even include separations, marriages where one or both parties is cheating, or unions that are just plain miserable. 
As karmatornado said (quoting Chris Rock), you're in the friend zone. Worse than that, I don't even think the dick-in-a-glass-case scenario is accurate (more like "someone to cry to when the latest dick takes off"). | |
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Stax said: Drink heavily.
Already been going down that road...  I'll leave it alone babe...just be me | |
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If she really was interested in you she would have let you know in that 5 years.
So what your really need to decide is, can you deal with just being her friend or is it too hard that you need to just move on altogether. | |
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JustErin said: If she really was interested in you she would have let you know in that 5 years.
So what your really need to decide is, can you deal with just being her friend or is it too hard that you need to just move on altogether. Women don't usually let guys know that they want them. And if they do they are not usually good at it. This guy should move on. If he tells her she will likely say one of the 2 lines that i think women invented... "I only like you as a friend" or "I don't want to ruin our friendship". | |
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Spats said: JustErin said: If she really was interested in you she would have let you know in that 5 years.
So what your really need to decide is, can you deal with just being her friend or is it too hard that you need to just move on altogether. Women don't usually let guys know that they want them. And if they do they are not usually good at it. This guy should move on. If he tells her she will likely say one of the 2 lines that i think women invented... "I only like you as a friend" or "I don't want to ruin our friendship". I understand that you are only speaking from your experience so I won't even try to argue your first sentence. As for saying "I only like you as a friend" that's a totally honest answer...there is nothing made up about it. "It'll ruin our friendship" is bullshit. It just means that she is not into you that way at all. | |
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JustErin said: Spats said: Women don't usually let guys know that they want them. And if they do they are not usually good at it. This guy should move on. If he tells her she will likely say one of the 2 lines that i think women invented... "I only like you as a friend" or "I don't want to ruin our friendship". I understand that you are only speaking from your experience so I won't even try to argue your first sentence. As for saying "I only like you as a friend" that's a totally honest answer...there is nothing made up about it. "It'll ruin our friendship" is bullshit. It just means that she is not into you that way at all. No i mean in general. Most women wait for the guy to show interest. If he does not they figure he is not interested and they move on. And when women do try and let the guy know, they are not very good at it. Resulting in mixed signals. | |
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CarrieMpls said: CalhounSq said: If you had any kind of shot w/ her (boyfriend or not) she probably would have found a way to let you know by now. Hopefully a 5 year friendship is more important than the ability to be sexually intimate w/ her - if she's really someone you want in your life as a friend just move on. She's got a boyfriend anyway - why risk the discomfort w/ her feeling weird & him possibly feeling threatened whether it's warranted or not...
BUT if you tell her, she's not interested & you don't want to know her anymore THAT IS FUCKED UP... I don't think that's fucked up at all. Sometimes it's too painful. If you want something you can't have and it's constantly dangled in your face, jesus, that can be impossible to live with. Some people can overcome it, but if you don't think you can, then, well, that's life. 
It's happened to people around me. Friends for four years, one was madly in love with the other the whole time. She finally couldn't take it anymore and told the friend. Friend had already guessed by this time, because the girl was getting worse and worse about keeping her feelings under control and had begun to act a bit weird, especially when drunk. The friend didn't feel the same way, but was relieved it was out in the open. The girl who was in love hasn't spoken to the friend since, because it's too painful for her to be around the person she loves, knowing she doesn't feel the same way about her. I wouldn't say she faked the friendship, by any stretch of the imagination. Her feelings just got deeper as time went on, until they reached the point of no return. IMO, it would be more fake if she carried on going to the movies and dinner with this person, pretending she felt all right when in reality she was in misery. The Normal Whores Club | |
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I don't think you should tell her now. She is in a relationship. If she ends that then you can tell her if you want. Just realize that the outcome may be hard to deal with and it may end the friendship (or at least make it not as close). It sucks, but you'll figure it out. | |
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badujunkie said: ...and she has no idea? It's been 5 years. Has boyfriend. No clue how I feel. Do I go cold turkey, do I tell her, do I continue to lie and pretend it's not there?
Keep it to yourself don't tell her, don't say a word about it. | |
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Spats said: JustErin said: I understand that you are only speaking from your experience so I won't even try to argue your first sentence. As for saying "I only like you as a friend" that's a totally honest answer...there is nothing made up about it. "It'll ruin our friendship" is bullshit. It just means that she is not into you that way at all. No i mean in general. Most women wait for the guy to show interest. If he does not they figure he is not interested and they move on. And when women do try and let the guy know, they are not very good at it. Resulting in mixed signals. EXACTLY! A lot of chicks will wait to know you're into them before they give you any IOIs (indicators of interest). I agree with the point that if she were into me I would probably have an inkling by now...but she truly doesnt even know I'm an option. She has no clue I like her like that. If anything I've gone out of my way to make her think I'm NOT attracted to her because I am also friendly with her bf...which I REGRET now because it's totally delusional to think that making her think I'm NOT attracted to her would help my case in any way. I'm so fucked. FUCKED. Uggghhhh...at 25 I would never let this happen, but at 20, my thinking was clearly clouded (or immature).   I'll leave it alone babe...just be me | |
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badujunkie said: Spats said: No i mean in general. Most women wait for the guy to show interest. If he does not they figure he is not interested and they move on. And when women do try and let the guy know, they are not very good at it. Resulting in mixed signals. EXACTLY! A lot of chicks will wait to know you're into them before they give you any IOIs (indicators of interest). I agree with the point that if she were into me I would probably have an inkling by now...but she truly doesnt even know I'm an option. She has no clue I like her like that. If anything I've gone out of my way to make her think I'm NOT attracted to her because I am also friendly with her bf...which I REGRET now because it's totally delusional to think that making her think I'm NOT attracted to her would help my case in any way. I'm so fucked. FUCKED. Uggghhhh...at 25 I would never let this happen, but at 20, my thinking was clearly clouded (or immature). Dude, you would not have an inkling she is interested in you by now. Women rarely do that. And if they do, they do it badly. I am saying not to do it because she is is just gonna look at you as a friend. Don't get into the "friend zone" with women if you want more than friendship. | |
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Spats said: badujunkie said: EXACTLY! A lot of chicks will wait to know you're into them before they give you any IOIs (indicators of interest). I agree with the point that if she were into me I would probably have an inkling by now...but she truly doesnt even know I'm an option. She has no clue I like her like that. If anything I've gone out of my way to make her think I'm NOT attracted to her because I am also friendly with her bf...which I REGRET now because it's totally delusional to think that making her think I'm NOT attracted to her would help my case in any way. I'm so fucked. FUCKED. Uggghhhh...at 25 I would never let this happen, but at 20, my thinking was clearly clouded (or immature). Dude, you would not have an inkling she is interested in you by now. Women rarely do that. And if they do, they do it badly. I am saying not to do it because she is is just gonna look at you as a friend. Don't get into the "friend zone" with women if you want more than friendship. fuckin friend zone...i guess i dont always remember that because i was very close friends with my first ever gf (love of my life) for YEARS before we dated, and i told her--at first she wasnt into it, but six/seven months later, we had sex. so...i guess i always believe there's hope in the friend zone. but you're right, there is usually not.  I'll leave it alone babe...just be me | |
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Spats said: badujunkie said: EXACTLY! A lot of chicks will wait to know you're into them before they give you any IOIs (indicators of interest). I agree with the point that if she were into me I would probably have an inkling by now...but she truly doesnt even know I'm an option. She has no clue I like her like that. If anything I've gone out of my way to make her think I'm NOT attracted to her because I am also friendly with her bf...which I REGRET now because it's totally delusional to think that making her think I'm NOT attracted to her would help my case in any way. I'm so fucked. FUCKED. Uggghhhh...at 25 I would never let this happen, but at 20, my thinking was clearly clouded (or immature). Dude, you would not have an inkling she is interested in you by now. Women rarely do that. And if they do, they do it badly. I am saying not to do it because she is is just gonna look at you as a friend. Don't get into the "friend zone" with women if you want more than friendship. Um, Einstein. If she is looking at him as just a friend, it means that she never had an interest in him as anything but just a friend.  x 1000 | |
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JustErin said: Spats said: Dude, you would not have an inkling she is interested in you by now. Women rarely do that. And if they do, they do it badly. I am saying not to do it because she is is just gonna look at you as a friend. Don't get into the "friend zone" with women if you want more than friendship. Um, Einstein. If she is looking at him as just a friend, it means that she never had an interest in him as anything but just a friend. x 1000Does not change the fact that he should not get into the "friend zone" or that he would know if she was interested. | |
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badujunkie said: Spats said: Dude, you would not have an inkling she is interested in you by now. Women rarely do that. And if they do, they do it badly. I am saying not to do it because she is is just gonna look at you as a friend. Don't get into the "friend zone" with women if you want more than friendship. fuckin friend zone...i guess i dont always remember that because i was very close friends with my first ever gf (love of my life) for YEARS before we dated, and i told her--at first she wasnt into it, but six/seven months later, we had sex. so...i guess i always believe there's hope in the friend zone. but you're right, there is usually not. Dude - Been here and have had gone with the "say somthing" and the "keep it yourself" options and have had mixed results. It sounds like in your situation you're odds are that good to end up with rainbow. More like a "Strange relationship" angst. Either way decide, you're going to have to plan for some time away from her. If you tell and she feels awkard or it's zero chance - time away! If you tell her and she's cofused (aka maybe an option) still time away. You've got to give her space to figure out her future with the guys she's with. Good for you for not trying to ruin her relationship for your own chance. That's just cruel. And don't beat yourself up about being immature. Everyone has path to walk. | |
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Rev said: badujunkie said: fuckin friend zone...i guess i dont always remember that because i was very close friends with my first ever gf (love of my life) for YEARS before we dated, and i told her--at first she wasnt into it, but six/seven months later, we had sex. so...i guess i always believe there's hope in the friend zone. but you're right, there is usually not. Dude - Been here and have had gone with the "say somthing" and the "keep it yourself" options and have had mixed results. It sounds like in your situation you're odds are that good to end up with rainbow. More like a "Strange relationship" angst. Either way decide, you're going to have to plan for some time away from her. If you tell and she feels awkard or it's zero chance - time away! If you tell her and she's cofused (aka maybe an option) still time away. You've got to give her space to figure out her future with the guys she's with. Good for you for not trying to ruin her relationship for your own chance. That's just cruel. And don't beat yourself up about being immature. Everyone has path to walk. thanks. its hard not to feel pathetic in a situation like this but lotsa people get infatuated/in love in secret i guess. I'll leave it alone babe...just be me | |
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badujunkie said: Rev said: Dude - Been here and have had gone with the "say somthing" and the "keep it yourself" options and have had mixed results. It sounds like in your situation you're odds are that good to end up with rainbow. More like a "Strange relationship" angst. Either way decide, you're going to have to plan for some time away from her. If you tell and she feels awkard or it's zero chance - time away! If you tell her and she's cofused (aka maybe an option) still time away. You've got to give her space to figure out her future with the guys she's with. Good for you for not trying to ruin her relationship for your own chance. That's just cruel. And don't beat yourself up about being immature. Everyone has path to walk. thanks. its hard not to feel pathetic in a situation like this but lotsa people get infatuated/in love in secret i guess. sadly yes they do. | |
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badujunkie said: CalhounSq said: I think it's very fucked up to fake a friendship for FIVE YEARS w/ someone - she didn't enter the friendship based on any hopes or conditions, as far as she knows he's her "best friend". So if he entered the friendship based on false hopes or the unannounced condition that they'd be together some day then he did so for the wrong reasons & for far too long. I've been on the receiving end of it - if you're close to someone for five years you truly come to believe that they're a friend of yours. If it all comes down to "let's fuck or I'm gone" (b/c let's face it if you're "best friends" you already have a certain intimacy, it's just not sexual) that, to me, is fucked up. I'm still getting over my fake 5 year "friendship" - dude had no shot but he still hung around hoping, & here I am thinking I've got a friend in him 
And I understand that it's painful but at some point you have to decide if you want this person in your life or not, regardless of the relationship ever reaching that level. If the answer is no it's best to state your feelings & see what's up WAY before 5 years go by - that's some shit you determine in MONTHS, not years... I know what you're sayin Calhoun. It IS fucked up. But it's not like, at least in my case, you enter the 5 year friendship EXPECTING to get something out of it or EXPECTING to be best friends. It's like this: I was getting out of another ugly breakup, met this girl who was chill, dressed fly, had a sexy, laid back, casually hot thing going on -- she can hang like one of the guys and drink or smoke me under the table but still look feminine and cute -- so I had a "crush." Then I find out she has a boyfriend, no big deal, whatever, I was still getting some from my ex. Then once things ended for good with my ex, this chick and I had a lot in common and hung out as buddies and from there the feelings came and went in waves, but I also really valued the friendship. Then, after a few years, it was like FUCK I am in love with this chick and we're best friends. It wasn't "I'm moving in for the kill and I'm gonna fuck her by being her friend first" kind of plan. Sounds like that's more what your dude did, maybe Im wrong. But I guess you being on her end it was painful to have your best friend all of a sudden like you sexually/romantically and then betray you once you didnt feel the same. I can dig that. One quesiton Calhoun: when you two were platonic friends and you didn't know he had a thing for you, did you EVER sleep in the same bed overnight??? Would you ever have before you knew? Does that mean SHIT? I hear you - I've definitely got some lingering bitterness so forgive me  I know people don't always set out w/ a goal - the feelings just happened to you. Didn't mean to imply otherwise w/ your case 
As for me, this person was very manipulative so I think he had a plan, or developed one along the way It's just not human to be in someone's face every day for 5 years & then one day decide to just stop talking to them  We had business dealings together - a lot of plans were made, a lot of promises were broken all b/c I didn't feel the same (at least that's the excuse he gave me, which is why I'm pissed - how you gonna use that as an excuse 4+ years after I told it would never happen in the first place???). I guess it's partly my fault for not recognizing the truth, thinking he would eventually get over it & value my friendship more than his want to get in my ass (I mean damn, I am not all that! ) but he never got over it. He would have yearly emotional pleas, I'd set him straight, he'd let enough time pass to let me think I was safe by acting "normal" & then drop the bomb on me again
Anyway, NO I never slept in the same bed w/ that fool before he told me how he felt & definitely not after. I think that can be misinterpreted w/ any male friend, especially one who I knew had feelings for me 
We did sleep in the same ROOM @ times but with separate beds. Like I said we had business dealings, took some business trips, etc. I hope you figure out what to do & all goes well 
. [Edited 12/7/06 8:42am]   I never met you, but I LOVE you & I will forever!! Thank you for being YOU - my little Princey, the best to EVER do it | |
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This happens to many people. My advice is just to move on and keep her as a friend only.
It's been five years. If she was ever gonna be interested, it would've happened within the first five months. I know it hurts right now, but I think you'll be fine as long as you spend a little less time with her and keep your heart open to other girls you meet. I think once you meet someone who loves you back, your love for her will naturally transition to a more familial love. If you were to tell her now, it'd add tension to her current relationship, cause a rift between you and your friend that might never go away, and that'll just make things hurt even more. [Edited 12/7/06 10:35am] The world is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel.
"You still wanna take me to prison...just because I won't trade humanity for patriotism." | |
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