To arrive early morning as the sun is barely rising, in a cubical landscape of humming, chirping, complaining, and sneezing sounds under the harsh glow of artificial florescent light-the most familiar light of the winter months. A landscape where every face is miserable or lost. Every face a tomb.
To sit and hash away at a computer screen struggling to concentrate, utilizing only fear as my primary motivation as any catalyst to positive change, or simply a way to stay afloat, while feeling as if I’m drowning in a miserable heap of uber mundane work.
Then to drive home as the sun is either set completely, or just beginning to surrender to the extremely omnipresent winter night, a routine repeated ad nauseam until some nights I just want to scream myself into hysterics.
Monday is like Tuesday, and Tuesday is like any other day—dreary. To avoid the phone, the door, even consciousness itself, my bed feels like a final resting place. All activities seem trifle, mundane, or too frightening to attempt, so I don’t bother.
Motivation and action are utterly replaced by days of conflict avoidance and a day dreaming haze of escapism fantasies, from inside a window that would beckon me to walk out into the sun on weekends, if not for the various cumbersome social commitments I desperately fear during these low ebbs of my winter blues.
There is no point in crying, you see, because it feels almost like I’m faking emotions to myself. It feels almost disingenuous; as if digressing into hysterical sobs is some purposeful “act” I feel I must endure to finally break free of this misery. There is no point in crying, you see, because at this point I am too taxed to indulge myself in that much drama, even if I am the only witness.


But then a little goal pops in my brain. Sometimes tiny, sometimes so fantastic I know I will never achieve half of what I set out to do. Then as if being couched by the “boot camp instructor” part of my psyche, I force myself to enter the world of the living again.
To wake up early in the morning. To run when I don’t wish to run. To life that extra 10 pounds when I am already exhausted. To go shopping, though I hate to shop, and buy clothes that cheer me up.
Then to go out dancing, and to nice restaurants, to spill my guts to those I love, and to seek adventures I either have never tried or seem to only reside in a distant memory. To watch my body physically become leaner, meaner, and stronger. To watch the light in m eyes return. To run the extra mile listening to the best fucking tunes I have on my iPod while picturing the end result or goal in my head, cause that’s just how I fucking roll! To grab the fucking future by the horns, and ride this bitch like I’m some kind of madman, and to not regret a single fucking second of any of it! Because I fucking own the goddamned world! I have two feet, two hands, two perfectly working legs, and a mind that has gotten me this far damnit—It can take me any fucking where I want to go, and nobody is going to fucking take that shit away from me!



Yeah, I seem to vacillate between these two extremes.



activate-to-activities edit
[Edited 11/28/06 14:07pm]

AsianBomb777 said:

Yeah like orgnoting me back?!

it's called living. why so hard on yourself?

At least you get the manic also.

CarrieMpls said:

I so didn't mean that the way it came out.

vacillate your way over to my thread and tell me what makes you happy!

but seriously, is there nothing about your job that you enjoy?

evenstar3 said:

I make decent panty droppin money

that was a joke btw. You don't have to note me back.

And yeah, I completely get what you're saying though.

minneapolisgenius said:

I'll definately respond to your orgnotes. Sorry, I've been getting alot of orgnotes lately.

Once folks found out I was friends with Jerseykrs, I get all manner of orgnotes asking me questions about him.

AsianBomb777 said:

there you go, then

DanceWme said:

AsianBomb777 said:

AsianBomb777 said:

It's ok. I'm going to bed now anyway.

CarrieMpls said:

Nobody told you to quit smoking you know

I rarely get either extreme anymore, whether ecstatic or depression. Just a dull constant on one side or the other.

AsianBomb777 said:

But if I try to start up again everyone gets mad at me.

CarrieMpls said:

God, that would be even worse for me. I mean, I can't even keep an avatar for me than a few days unless it has Anx's ass on it. I can't imagine my emotions being constant.

Baby, do you need a refill on your meds?

I just kinda skimmed after faces are tombs.

Um, are you sad or something?

luv4all7 said:

Even my most sincerest posts need to be mere talking points

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I'm very "Tom Cruise" when it comes to meds.











I know Jerseykrs will be saying something else too.

AsianBomb777 said:

That reminds me... someone recently sent me an avatar they thought would be perfect for me. And its adorable and I plan to use it soon. But then I wondered if you'd think someone was honing in on your territory as my avatar bitch. So I decided to wait for a bit.

I don't like pills either.






Sorry your sad.

CarrieMpls said:

That cat'll just have to move over. A new avvie pimp is in da hood...

retina said:

It really is adorable.

I really know what you're talking about Dan. Getting thrown back and forth between the extremes makes you totally exhausted, but you know you can't have one without the other, and you wouldn't want the gray in between.

I wish I could offer some advice but I'm stuck in the same damn situation.

purplerein said:

How does it make you feel when you hear purplerein asking you why you're so hard on yourself, Dan?

But, seriously... As Paul Weller wrote:


I do take issue with the song's implication that you can't be happy on your own, but it's a catchy tune.

The first key is not looking outside yourself for validation and the second key is eliminating desire and possessions. The third key, of course, is a shitload of cash and some porn.

Ace always posts the best lyrics.








The son'gs probably suck though.

I flipped a middle schooler off today.



metaphor???