The Intergalactic Swap
Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack and Jill`s backyard. They suddenly materialize inside the couple`s house and address them: `We come in peace. We want to find out how you humans reproduce. To make an accurate assessment of your procreation process, we would like to - as your species would say - swap partners."
Being ex-theater majors from a liberal arts college, Jack and Jill agree without hesistation. Jack leads the female alien into one room, while Jill takes the male alien`s tenticle and leads him off into another room. Immediately, the male alien starts to strip down to his bare essentials. Jill, seeing the creature`s shrunken, pasty, yellow, naked body before her, gasps and says, `Gee, that`s a really teenie weenie."

`Actually, I come in all sizes."

With a wink and a smile, the alien slaps his thighs, and magically, his penis pops out to about one foot in length. Jill, giggling with amazement, exclaims "Wow! That`s outrageous. Can you do that with your thickness as well?"

"No problemo," assurres the well-hung alien. At that, he slaps at his ears, and, "boing," his member inflates out to about a good three inches in diameter. "Yippee. Yahoo," blurts out Jill, and proceeds to give Mr. Spaceman a taste of earth-style mating.

After about a three hour romp, Jill and Mr. Spaceman (now in smoking jacket and ascot) exit the bedroom and meet up with the other couple already waiting in the kitchen.

Jack, seeming somewhat dazed gets up and asks Jill, "How did it go in there?`

Jill, still a little woozy herself, smiles a goofy shit-eating grin and sings, `That was by far, the most spectacular, unbelievable, eye-poppingest sex I have ever had. No offense. By the way, how`d it go with Ms. Universe over there?"

"Not so well. All she did was slap my ears for an hour and a half."
===

Things That Go Bump In The Night
A guy is in a hotel lobby. He bumps into a lady and turns around to apologize.

He says, "If your heart is as soft as your breast, you`ll forgive me."

The lady says, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I`m in room 202!"
===

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN...
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he`d found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. " Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn`t move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went `Pssst!` and it didn`t move."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later... "Da-ad..." "What?" "I`m thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaad..." "WHAT?" "I`m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I`ll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later..."Daaa-aaad..." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I`ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, `For Heaven`s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!`"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can`t dear," she said,"I have to sleep in Daddy`s room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: The big sissy."

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children`s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor`s clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it`s a bitch to iron."

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I`m doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

May your world always be filled with laughter.

dragonique said:

you're funny!!!

Q: What do you get when you cross Mike Tyson and a gorilla?
A: A stupid, dangerous gorilla

Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?
A: A piece of ass that'd bring tears to your eyes.

Q: Why do did cavemen drag women around by their hair?
A: So they don't fill up with dirt.

Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a bowling ball?
A: If you put a gun to my head, I could eat a bowling ball.

Q: How can you tell when a women has an orgasm?
A: Who cares?

- Your momma's so fat, she's got other fat chicks orbiting around her.

- your momma's so fat, she put on a red jumper and people yelled "Hey, Kool-Aid!"

Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
A: Because they can.

Q: What's the difference betweena lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
[This message was edited Tue Aug 27 15:02:28 PDT 2002 by herbthe4]