WHOA

I just read the whole thread,,,and how I can say this without sounding offensive?

Some of ya'll are really, reeeaaaally sad and self-beating

I don't see how a "relationship" can HOLD anybody(whether its even abusive or healthy)?

It really depends on the person to begin with IMO. Are you willing to give that "other person" the chance to hold you down?

It doesn't even have to do with "who got the upper hand" situation. It really boils down into your character.

Again, I'm really sorry if I sounded offensive. But how can somebody wants to enjoy life without taking a chance?

Harlepolis said:

Do whatever works for you. Your happiness is all that matters.

Harlepolis said:

People can take chances without handcuffing themselves to someone for life.

Harlepolis said:

People can take chances without handcuffing themselves to someone for life.

uPtoWnNY said:

At leasat they are upfront with their weakness, dependancy and insecurity. I don't want to be like that though.

WHOA

I just read the whole thread,,,and how I can say this without sounding offensive?

Some of ya'll are really, reeeaaaally sad and self-beating

I don't see how a "relationship" can HOLD anybody(whether its even abusive or healthy)?

It really depends on the person to begin with IMO. Are you willing to give that "other person" the chance to hold you down?

It doesn't even have to do with "who got the upper hand" situation. It really boils down into your character.

Again, I'm really sorry if I sounded offensive. But how can somebody wants to enjoy life without taking a chance?

Shanti1 said:

Very interesting to me that you are saying these words when comtemplating being single, yet I would say the exact same thing, only I'm talking about finding a partner.

It really boils down into your character.

Harlepolis said:

That's exactly why i don't want to take that step. It's my super-flawed character which i know it would not fly easily over my partner's head (which is assumptious yes, but DEF is going to take it's toll at some point eventually).

I am difficult not because i want to, i am so because that's what i have been feeded by my past

I have been abused, verbally & physically as a child and a teenager

I have been molested, over three times

I have witnessed what a dysfunctional house could look like

and those experiences have strongly defaced my being and managed to control the way i interact with my surrounding today

I choose to be out of things because I don't want to hurt or be hurt

because i don't want to fight

because i'm afraid i'll be with my kids, what my father has been with me

because i'll lose sleep over thoughts of them encountering what i have at their age
God knows sometimes i yearn to have my own kids one day (whom i even have names for: Talal & Sarah) but the mere fact that people could flip in a heartbeat into someone terrible with no control scares me to death.

Peace of mind is my motto in life untill i die, no matter what grand opportunities i might pass on or miss because of it, as long as i feel peaceful when i rest my head on my pillow at the end of the day.

And i have got to mention that what's keeping me going is my strong faith in God, whom i'm grateful for, for still being able to live my life and enjoy it to the fullest as if i have it all.

If i happen to be hit by the fate bus then so be it, otherwise i'm not willing to risk the little good that i've still got into me

It sounds to me like you're working against your faith in God because you aren't stepping out on faith by choosing to be out of things for the reasons you've stated or so it seems based on what you've said.

NAnomaly said:

Because Insecurities are hard to control, but i did not let them work against my faith in God and turn me into a bitter person, but rather strengthen my faith. I could still view the good side of the world and be happy without stepping into what i'm afraid of, if you know what i mean?

I know i sound pessemistic but trust me i have optimism twice as much nevertheless because i always seek the good routes rather than get stuck in the bad ones, and that giving good gets you good.

That's why i want to remain single, which you can say is a way of making up to a wasted past instead of re-writing history with my own hands.

Harlepolis said:

ugh! i hate the org sometimes it keeps messin up!


any way let me redo my thoughts ummm, i don't find it offensive at all i get what your saying. as i said before, i don't want to be single forever and yet i don't mind being single. its a beautiful thing to love somebody and they love you back. i'm a very loving person and i have a lot to give. the key is to not get so caught up in it that you lose yourself. i don't know, i like being with somebody (just give breathing room please lol); i'm kinda weird, i guess i want the best of both worlds- i find being 'single for life' just as dead end as marriage. they both have a aura of finality that simply irks me (but then again i hate restrictions or finalities of any kind). to each its own.

I'm a living example of dysfunctionalism(if this is even a word ) but I was willing to take the chance and I thankfully TOOK it

I've been married for a year and a 1/2 with a newborn kid who was born last august. Its been scary becoz the last relationship I've been into nearly drove me outta this life(to be fair and without getting into much details; both of us were some young crazy and violent lunatics) so it was risky getting into a new healthy relationship after I cleaned my life.

And it was hard living day-to-day with a "functional" individual at first, coz honestly thats NOT who I am but I try to tune my flamboyant temper down for the sake of making this relationship work, coz god knows he's patient enough to put up with my bullshit(but I won't 4get myself: he TOO got some bullshit I have to put up with every now and then) but this is whats beautiful about a relationship, understanding each other.

To answer this thread ?uestion: 2 years ago I was on my "men ain't shit" bandwagon, I would've co-signed this thread like crazy.

But child, its haaaaard enough living this life alone(thats right, I'll claim this poor excuse) after all, I'm only my folks' kid, I saw this powerful man who I consider my father fall down into a weak state of mind once only to be lifted by this women who I consider my mother(which I thought for a long time to be a VERY timid woman, only to find out that I was dead wrong).

Thats a simple example. Now if my pops can have that, I want to have it too, as naive as you may think this to be.

Some folks are happy to be single, some are not,,I happen to fall into the latter category. Call it dependency, insecurity, weakness or whateva term you think of, I'm not ashamed of what I feel.

And hey,,,dysfunctional people got to live too

Hope my post doesn't sound sappy.

Boriqua1130 said:

I agree, there isn't anything more refreshing than a man knowing what he wants, AND making sure he makes that CLEAR from the BEGINNING. I have yet to meet a man who knows what he wants, they are all so damn confused, they don't know what the fuck they really want. They keep bouncing around giving mixed signals, then as a woman when you just flat out ask them, they don't fuckin' know. What the hell is that shit? Do you want to just date, do you want to be in a relationship, do you want a fuck buddy, do you just want to be friends??? That's when i stop calling and putting myself out there because that shit gets old, like i said before i maybe was just picking the wrong men, or keep giving my number to the wrong ones. From now on its just going to be about me, whatever happens, happens. Life is too short to be wasting my time on guys who are just fucking confusing.
[Edited 11/19/06 7:52am]

Spats said:

Says the guy who couldn't spot a chance if it bit him in the ass

Spats said:

But again, how's that handcuffing?

I used to think this too,,,,,but I found out that it doesn't have to be that way at all.

Word out to UptownNY, Society has done a number on people's heads too, making marriage to be a "plantation",,,when in fact, its not at all.

But then again, this whole discussion is a 2-way street

missfee said:

I hear you MissFee. Sometimes we choose the same type of person because it's something within our self that has not been resolved, yet. Meanwhile get to know who you are, try and live a good life. As for confused men...run, don't walk when you encounter them. j\k Just know yourself and what poo-poo you're not willing to deal with. Hang in there. @)-}-----}-----

Boriqua1130 said:

Thanks, but I'm not doing anything special - I'm just being honest with myself. I know my personality is not right for marriage. I'm stubborn, set in my ways, a bit selfish(especially with cash , a loner and I don't want kids. It would be unfair to the woman if I got married - both of us would be frustrated and miserable. If I were to have a touch of insanity and announce my engagement, my family and closest friends would talk me out of it, because they know me.

That's not to say I can't have a long relationship - I haven't had many, but they last for years. I treated my exes right, and I'm still friends with them. But they understood at the end of the day, we go to our own places. You handle your sh!t, and I'll handle mine.

mdiver said:

Excuse me? I can spot a chance but unfortunately women are not good at giving the signs.

Boriqua1130 said:

thanx Boriqua!

brownsugar said:

I am totally with you on this.

I like being single right now, but I am definitely not opposed to being with someone exclusively...for the short term or even for the long term, just not married. I have never believed in the whole "two becomes one". My life will still be my life, my things will still be mine, etc. I don't really believe in sharing anything other than the emotional experience in a relationship.

I know what I want and know what I am not willing to accept, and I have no doubt that I will find a partner that shares the same beliefs. I'm not actively looking for someone, but I am certainly not going to shut the door if I meet someone amazing.

Spats said:

Maybe you are not good at reading the signs

Why is it always the womans fault with you?

It's best not to spend your life hoping or looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with because that is really hard to find. Love is really hard to find. Millions don't find it and the ones that do, usually find that it does not last.

I have no interest in ever getting married and have never met a woman i would wanna marry. But i like having girlfriends to buddy around with and have sacktime with. Just fun stuff. No long term commitment or anything. I don't want to be alone but I also don't want to be handcuffed to anyone for life.

Don't worry about the partner for life crap.

Shanti1 said:

That's usually just how it is. Women's "friends" signals are not much different than their "i want You" signals. Even women on here have said they are not good at putting the signals out.

Spats said:

you're handcuffed to the bedpost of your mind

Spats said:

Well- when I want someone- they usually know it. Sorry that the women you want do not show you the signals clearly enough for you to read.

Harlepolis said:

I love you, Harle.

It's really cool after all this time to get to know another side of you. I didn't know you were even married and had a new baby. I guess that's why you kinda disappreared for a minute.

I feel you on everything you are saying, even your subsequent posts. Before I was thirty, I felt this panic about not getting married before then. I was a very lonely and depressed person. I made a lot of bad decisions regarding men: the ones I dated didn't give a damn about me and I was lied to a lot. Even the one long term relationship I had, I was lied to all along. Ihad to take time out and do a lot of soul searching. I was finding that no matter how great a person I was, I was never enough for that person. I found that I felt I was better off single than to continually go through that over and over again. I don't know: I don't feel I could be with someone that felt the need to cheat nor could I be in an open relationship. I guess I'm a little bitter right now but I dig that I only have to take care of me.

NAnomaly said:

Because Insecurities are hard to control, but i did not let them work against my faith in God and turn me into a bitter person, but rather strengthen my faith. I could still view the good side of the world and be happy without stepping into what i'm afraid of, if you know what i mean?

I know i sound pessemistic but trust me i have optimism twice as much nevertheless because i always seek the good routes rather than get stuck in the bad ones, and that giving good gets you good.

That's why i want to remain single, which you can say is a way of making up to a wasted past instead of re-writing history with my own hands.

bjork said: