A FATHER WAS PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM AND WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE
THE BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP. THEN HE SAW
AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED. IT WAS
ADDRESSED TO "DAD." WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE
AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS.....

"DEAR DAD, IT IS WITH GREAT SADNESS THAT I WRITE THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY
NEW GIRL FRIEND, BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH YOU AND MOM.
I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA, BECAUSE SHE IS SO NICE, EVEN
WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES.

BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION, DAD.. SHE'S PREGNANT. BUT SHE HAS ASSURED ME
THAT WE'LL BE VERY HAPPY. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER SINCE
SHE'S SO MUCH OLDER THAN I AM, SHE OWNS A NICE TRAILER IN THE WOODS, AND
HAS ENOUGH FIREWOOD FOR THE WINTER MONTHS.

SHE WANTS TO HAVE MORE CHILDREN WITH ME, AND THAT'S ONE OF MY DREAMS
ALSO. BARBARA ALSO TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE,
AND WE PLAN ON GROWING IT FOR OUR FRIENDS AND OURSELVES, AND TRADING IT
FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE MIGHT NEED.

IN THE MEANTIME, WE PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS, SO BARBARA
CAN GET BETTER. SHE SURE DESERVES IT. DON'T WORRY, DAD, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW,
AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. SOMEDAY, I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO
VISIT YOU SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN BETTER.

YOUR SON,
JOHN

P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT BILLY'S HOUSE. I JUST WANTED TO REMIND
YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD, WHICH IS IN THE
CENTER DRAWER OF MY DESK.

I LOVE YOU, DAD.

P.S.S. CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME.


sorry for the giant lettering

thats terrible

that's funny as hell....instantly brought me back to the last "report card" lecture I gave my son.....