A friend of mine just told me she is going out with someone that another friend of mine dated for a year, 8 years ago. That friend said during that time, he cheated on her (with an ex), stole away her self esteem away and that it took her years to get back to her happy, confident self. She would like me to warn the other one, not from any jealousy, but to spare her the heartache. We aren't talking kids here but women 30+.

My thought is, that both these women are very different and probably have different ways of dealing with stuff, and that he may very well have changed a lot in the last 8 years. I just don't want to take away from what could potentially end up being a very good relationship, by dredging up stuff from the past, that he possibly regrets and won't repeat. I know the new one is very sensible and mature and won't take any shit. On the other hand, she is a single mother and really can do without some idiot's crap (if that is what he turns out to be).

Your thoughts?

Yep, at least warn her.

8 YRS AGO ...

Don't get involved.....there are always 3 sides to every story. His side, her side and the truth. Better to just stay out of it.
[Edited 10/9/06 20:45pm]

luv4u said:

I would like to, but I wouldn't want to spoil anything - I like to believe people can change. He was not abusive or violent. Friend A is stronger in character than Friend B, I think she would kick his ass if he wasn't up to par.

I have a zillion thoughts about this

My main though is it seems you should stay out of it ...

for exactly the reasons you have stated already in your thread

Mach said:

so much can happen in 8 years

eVeRsOlEsA said:

you are right - so far we have not heard HIS story either

Mach said:

OK, you have twisted my arm

ZombieKitten said:

that is very true ...

true so much can happen in 8 years. Then again he could be exactly the same. either way it doesnt matter. you can warn her but just know that no matter what you tell her she's gonna make her own mind up regardless.

Yes, I agree about staying out of it. Despite your natural concerns, it's really not for you to get involved, certainly not at this point anyway. Should something happen in this new relationship that makes you think this info from his ex is pertinent, then maybe, just maybe, you could say something, but I'd definitely say don't get involved for now. Tricky spot to be in though.

brownsugar said:

I am worried if I tell her anything, that she enters the relationship with suspicion and mistrust (not a great start!) she otherwise wouldn't have had, which could be all for nothing! And yeah, if I tell her, she is gonna do whatever she wants anyway so she will believe what she wants!

brownsugar said:

but doing such a thing could ruin a friendship or the potential relationship of these two people. I would feel obligated to look out for a friend in this situation, but I also would feel wrong about playing God and stepping in to potentially stop two people being together. The friend is a grown adult who can make up her own mind, as you said, hopefully without the need to warn her about the guy's past.

Fauxie said:

exactly what I DON'T want to do!

Stay out of it.

JustErin said:

OMG!! I got the new one begging me for any information, and the old one begging me to tell the new one!!

maybe they could just meet

I am definitely staying out of this one!

Fauxie said:

actually i agree with you. i also think that getting in the middle of it may cause problems in the future. but if she feels strongly about telling her then just know that its up to her friend whatever the outcome is. i guess i'm not wording it right

brownsugar said:

true. if you could have a calm, reasoned conversation about it, you could see how it would just be letting her in on all the info, which she could then take into account and use in making her own decisions. in this sense you could feel you had done the right thing and not unnecessarily influenced the situation, the ultimate outcome, as you said, being down to this friend and what they decide. however, it's never that simple

Yeah, I'd stay out of it. If it was something dangerous, like he had been physically abusive, then I'd definitely tell her. But he wasn't abusive or violent... So I'd stay out of it...

ZombieKitten said:

I would be very interested ( if she were my friend ) to know her intentions for doing so

That's stupid. The first relationship is over. It doesn't mean the new couple won't be a match.

Stay out of this, ZK.

His first g/f sounds a little immature and not above sabotage.

I could be wrong.

ZombieKitten said:

definitely stay out of it! both are using you to some degree - they should be old enough to handle this themselves.

ZombieKitten said:

Hey just look after your own baht and let this relationship alone unless you can prove current behaviour is the same as in the so called past?

Charlotte I agree that you should stay out of it... believe me I know it's hard especially when one person is specifically asking you to get involved

I agree very much with Steph, though, that there's always 3 sides to every story

If there was a way to simply warn her without causing her to feel like you're butting in, or that you think she's wrong...I'd say do it. But Im not sure there is a way. Maybe only say something if she hints at it going the same way. Dont say it out of the blue at the beginning and put her on a downer about her new boyfriend!

If you do say anything to her though, only say it once I've been in a similar situation and I had friends who went on and on about the guy, which just made me feel under attack and very unsupported if anything bad did happen

Also, I've always favoured the approach where you get him alone and tell him youre in the middle, and if he messes this one about there'll be hell to pay!!

stay out of it. by you putting in your two cents, you aren't giving the woman a chance to make her own decision about this guy. it has been 8 years, the guy could have changed by now...or he could be just the same, either way let it be her choice, not yours and definitely not the "old gf".

the last thing a woman wants to hear is someone telling her how she is "suppose" to see a person.
[Edited 10/10/06 8:09am]

eVeRsOlEsA said:

I agree.