the majority of the threads made regarding love & relationships i really can't relate to (save for reading/giving some advice, perhaps) because, as some of ya'll know, i've never been in a relationship with anybody. i've been single for all of my life.

the reasons as to why i've always been single have changed over the years--when i was a bit younger i was still struggling with my sexuality and finding out who i was. plus i could never wrap my head around why people wanna hook up. i've seen a lotta fucked-up relationships among my friends and their significant others, and yet i've also seen relationships that were ultra-cool. another thing is that when i was growing up, i never got any sorta form of "the talk". not just the "birds and bees" aspect (i ended up learning about that mostly on my own), but about relationships in general. no dating tips, none of that. i'm thinking it's because i was raised solely by my dad, and as he told me when i came out to 'im a while back, he already knew that i'm gay so i'm guessing he was reluctant to tell me anything when i was younger.

nowadays i'm somewhat warmer to the idea, now that i understand a bit more about it and have come to terms about who i am. still, there's some things about relationships that either put me off or confuse me.


i wanna know if any of you out there in orgland were/are also relationship late-bloomers as well. i just wanna see if i'm not alone (no pun intended) in this regard.

i think there's a lot of pressure for people (especially for women) to define themselves in terms of being in a relationship.

i know a lot of people, men and women, who are with the wrong person and admit it, because they prefer that to being alone.

i think it's better to take your time and get to know yourself before jumping into a relationship just because there's pressure of differnt kinds to do so....

.
[Edited 9/28/06 11:27am]

Girl, you're definitely not alone. One of my very close friends is 33 and has not had a relationship yet. Some of her reasons are similar to the ones you've listed, and there are some others. She happens to be an awesome and sexalicious chick, much like yourself.



P.S. I think it rawks that you're so open to the flow of life and creatively transforming your thoughts, feelings and actions. Too many folks decide "This is who and what I am/think/do, and that's how it will always be!" - which is sad. Yer the tits, man.

Wow. Um. I never really knew that there were people this way.

I think it's awesome!

Cuz now you know who you are, and you know what you want. How can you have anything BUT a successful relationship at this point?

Good for you!

I have a friend who I've known since first grade. She's 26, and has never been in any sort of romantic relationship. I actually suspect that she may be gay and not willing to face it, but regardless, I can see how it can be a good thing. Honestly, being single, you just have more TIME. More time for yourself, more time to build the friendships that are gonna hold your ass up when your first couplea relationships crash and burn (), more time to focus on school or whatever. . . just more time to build a life you want for yourself.

Deja, if you wanna be single forever, more power to ya. But I bet you won't be. You've really just been dealing with your sexuality in an up-front sort of way, and looking at relationship possibilities realistically in that sense, for quite a short time. In the meantime, you've established yourself as a fucking rad chickadee (), which is what will attract a cool sort of person in the end anyway.

I had a point. . . hmm. . . oh yeah, what I actually wanted to say is, cool thread, 'cause I KNOW you aren't the only one, and the choice to be single (and for some people, it's not just circumstance, it's a CHOICE), just like the choice to be childfree, or to eschew traditional sorts of living arrangements in all sorts of ways, should be discussed, understood, and accepted.

XxAxX said:

very true! i've had friends who've been in crappy relationships which started by just diving headfirst and blindfolded into it, without realizing that their S.O. were good for nothing. everyone else knew it BUT them.

and it's also true about women being pressured/taught to have to have a S.O., as well as the terms of being in a relationship. when i was still a teenager my female friends would basically be flabbergasted when i told 'em that i never went out with anyone. they'd all be like "why??? you have to have somebody!"

Ya know, I've been in and out of relationships since I was in high school, and right now I feel REALLY happy just being by myself. Last night I was sitting on my bed in my new apartment playing a video game while my kitty was dozing off on a pillow next to me, and it was a moment that would have been spoiled if I had to share it with someone else. It was just delicious solace and comfort and downtime from having to be anything to anybody but myself.

Maybe you have a stronger sense of the importance of yourself than a lot of people do, and you're not ready to share or compromise that just yet. Nothing wrong with that. I think when you feel a need to share your life with someone, the feelings will kick in and you'll know it for sure - kinda like when you break a bone. You KNOW the feeling for what it is.

OK, I could have used a gentler analogy.

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

Oh boy! I totally relate. I did not have my first official relationship until I was 30 and, of course, it failed. I had no point of reference and I like to think of that relationship as my teenage crush. The second, and last, relationship I had, turned into this obsessive, manic, anxiety filled, over possesive, co-dependent nightmare. I like to call that my "Jake Ryan" relationship . I think, once upon a time when I was a kid I saw Sixteen Candles and secretly formed my ideal from the fictional character because when I met my last BF, who freakishly resembles the actor that plays Jake, I ran with it. Thinking "looks" would conquer it all. It really was amazing how stupid I got. I mean, I'm no Einstein, but I do consider myself a smart man. But the things I did (well the things we both did, I can't take full responsibility) were truly ridiculous. I am such a firm beleiver in the power of experience.

Now I'm back to square one. I've been alone for almost a year now and I know this sounds like a cliche but I am finding out who I am by being truly and painfully honest with myself.

HereToRockYourWorld said:

i wouldn't mind having a girlfriend, plus i know that i'll probably get hooked up with someone one of these days. i'm not exactly betting on it, but it'll happen more or less. plus it helps that i've seen a lotta relationships within my family that have taught me what NOT to do, so there's that.

Anx said:

for me a lot of the time it's the opposite of that: doing something like riding around on the bus and laughing at stupid shit, but there's nobody there to share the jokes with me.


nah...it shoulda been one i could relate to a little more. i've never broken a bone (thankfully).

FunkMistress said:

In terms of late, relative to you, you all might regard me as early but I can tell you that I was the last person of all my friends to get into any kind of relationship after having come to not really care after so long. I still feel they aren't much but hell I'm young so I shouldn't even really be posting. I just feel old in this nigh-on 18 year old flesh suit of mine.


[Edited 9/28/06 12:02pm]

Spookymuffin said:

eh, i felt the same way when i was yer age. plus i remember back in school that for some reason you were considered ultra-cool if you had an older boy/girlfriend. i'd have friends who'd be like, "my boyfriend's the shit! he's 21!" and they'd only be like 17 or so. i'd be like "why is that cool? dude's just as stupid as you are."

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

I don't want an older girlfriend!

After my first bf when I was 14 I WISH I would've gone for the solo thing cos I wasn't comfy with them for very long, I've always liked my own company best so I ended up dumping them for no other reason than that I wanted to be alone. If I could do it all again I would've gone solo for a LONG time after Teddy, but I can't. I think you're a great woman Deja, and such a great person simply can't NOT be hit by love sooner or later

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

You're not alone, I feel like I don't know crap about them...

I've only had one serious relationship--it didn't start until I was 23. It was on and off for about 5 years and since that I haven't even really dated anyone.

My HS friends used to tease me because I never cared about having a boyfriend and most all of my post-college friends were so desperate to find boyfriends and get married (and they all succeeded) but I never really cared that much. I suppose I'm also a bit lazy. It's just so much work to try to meet someone who isn't an idiot and I get really, really nervous and self-conscious when I go on dates plus I hate eating in front of people I don't know so dates pretty much terrify me.

I know what you mean about having someone to share jokes with though. That is one thing I do miss about the ex. (He was a huge Prince fan so before I found the Org he was the only other person I knew that would get excited about anything Prince. lol)

My philosophy is that everything happens for a reason so when I'm meant to meet someone else I will. (yes, I know I'm lazy... )




Also, my friend sent this to me...it's sort of cheesy, but I kinda like it (you can substitute women for men ):

Women are like apples on trees... The best ones are at the top of
the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because
they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take
the rotten apples from the ground; that aren't as good, but easy...
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man
to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way
to the top of the tree.

So maybe all of us 'late-bloomers' are just the stuck at the top of the tree!
(Not saying the early bloomers are rotten apples, but just humor me...)


.
[Edited 9/28/06 21:30pm]

I didn't date at all in highschool. I liked guys but they didnt like me back for reasons they weren't afraid to share with me .
Thinking back,Im glad it happened that way.

Growing up watching my sister date lots of guys and watching Maury & Rikki Lake (seriously) helped me decide I didnt want to date lots of guys & I didnt want to have sex with just anyone. I wanted to be with someone I knew I would like to be with for awhile.
When I went away for college,I met a few people but I didnt get serious with anyone. I didnt find what I really wanted.

I met my first boyfriend and now my fiance when I was 20. I'm 26 now. He is everything I've always dreamed of compiled in one man.
We both wanted the same things.



People come along and sometimes they are just lessons to be learned. The right person always comes along. Sometimes sooner & sometimes later. But you'll meet that person one day.

And those same guys that turned me down in highschool...are now trying to get on my love train....

ThreadCula said:

I don't agree that the right person always comes along. A myth. Shouldn't get people's hopes up with that fantasy. There could very well be a big letdown. There are people that never find the person for them

I have had a similar problem over the years. Hot Girls i have liked didn't like me back and I had no interest in plain janes that liked me. Why does that shit happen so often?????

Spats said:

I do believe the right person will come along if you're open to it.
I'm not going to debate with you over this,so cut it out.
This thread is not about u so dont make it the Spats show.

ThreadCula said:

I am not doing that. It's a fact that some people never find the one for them. Has nothing to do with being open to it or not.

Spookymuffin said:

Fine!


j/k

Seriously though, I was a relatively late starter as well (compared to Spook and his school friends, not the others ), and I've still not caught up with my friends. I didnt have a boyfriend - or anything more than a few kisses - until I was almost 19. Very late by my society's standards, all my friends had been sleeping around the block since they were 16! It's difficult not to let society pressurise you into these things, and even when you don't, its difficult not to feel their judgement. But who made up the rule that we can't be whole and who we are because we don't have sex?! Ridiculous

I don't know, I'm just trying to tell Handclaps she's not alone, because you're really not honey. Loads of my friends are in their mid to late twenties and haven't had a relationship or any sexual experience. There's absolutely nothing wrong with them either, in fact one girl is absolutely gorgeous. She jsut wanted to wait. Wait as long as you need to, there's really no rush. Everyone's life takes a different path

susannah said:

you make a valid point. I'd suspect that more people are virgins than one would think - but who really wants to admit considering society's current conventions?

sorry about the girlfriend bit - but you're too far away anyways.

Spookymuffin said:

well I'll see you at invasions!

It's practically well known fact that teenagers lie about their exploits. I wouldn't worry

Spookymuffin said:

uh... I have no problem admitting it.

Anx said:

I'm getting to that comfort level too I've had a few relationships but mine are always LONG... much longer than they should be & I don't date b/c folks get on my nerrrrr But I feel like I'm coming to a place where I gotta just be happy w/ me, the "one" may never happen for me b/c it ain't meant for everybody But I was glad I wasn't with anyone the other night when I was laying in bed with a cocktail, my favorite beauty mag & some Tivo happening - I certainly didn't need "Johnny" there asking me what I had in the fridge









aaaaand now I want some dick

Natisse said:

I know you do sweety

I stereotype my age group.

8.10

I lost a loooong reply to this due to some connection issues, so to sum up what I would've said:

I'm a late bloomer too. I feel I have a less clouded perception of who I am as opposed to other times in my life, but with new viewpoints comes new ways to mature. If you've gone through a substantial change, I feel you have to give yourself some time to grow within those changes before taking something new to task, lest things get overwhelming. Maybe you're at the point where you're ready, that's up to you, and I'm sure you've given it a fair deal of thought.

At the end of the day, I know you're someone with a strong mind and I honestly could never see you in a situation where you're stuck with a girl you're unhappy with just because. There's a good chance you'll experience some heartbreak, but there's also a good chance you'll find someone you can really connect with. So keep your spirit strong, remember that you deserve something good, and that we all believe in you.

Natisse said:

same here.