Okay. So apparantly I'm an unhealthy relationship starter.

I went to talk to my pastor two days ago about some stuff that was going on with my husband. This conversation resulted in him (the pastor) asking me how my prior relationships and the relationship with my husband began.

Well, I didn't even notice the pattern until he pointed it out to me. That ALL of my past and my present relationships ALL began with sex first, and then getting to know eachother.

So I guess I'm just curious what your guys' relationships have been like. Like what are the stages to a "healthy" relationship?

And really, how can you enter a relationship with someone and NOT wanna have sex with them???? I find that like, almost impossible.



Lotsa spelling.
[Edited 9/28/06 7:25am]

well, if you take enough drugs and alcohol at the beginning of your relationship, not only do you forget most of the sex you're not supposed to have, but it also numbs the general pain of being alive, and i think that's pretty cool.

same here.....i'm always trying to get the sex out of the way because if something is seriously wrong with that, then i'm out of the relationship....like if she screams too loud, smells bad, or has developed some really bad habits like this last girl had been masturbating for so long that in order to get off i had to basically finger her until i had carpal tunnel syndrome.....2 times with that and i was out the door

Anx said:

I don't think your being serious, but I'm never really sure with you.

But for all the kids at home reading this.

DO NOT take that advice. I woke up married to psycho.

luv4all7 said:

okay, you got me.

you wait until you find yourself trapped in a dead-end relationship with a delusional needy psychopath, THEN you start abusing the drugs and alcohol.

I don't know if your pastor is who you should be talking to.

If anyone is going to tell you that sex is bad, it's a pastor.

Anx said:

Did that too.

Anx, will you be my shrink?

gemini13 said:

Yanno.....that's a good point.

luv4all7 said:

SINNER!!!!

Honestly, I don't think the sex is the issue...I think it's just having a good "guy sense" -- meaning really knowing yourself enough to see what it is you need in a relationship...after you practice that for a while you can see a trainwreck from a mile away and won't have sex with him in the first place.

gemini13 said:

He didn't say THAT!

But he did (I'm sure not intentionally) start counting on his fingers..... I started laughing and put my head down, and go OH MY GOD I'M WHITE TRASH!!!!!

He said I wasn't.

applekisses said:

Well who do you have sex with in the mean time?

applekisses said:

True!!

First off: The guy has to be educated, or no sex.

Secondly: This is gonna sound bad, but if he has an unusual attachment to his mother, like he still lives with her at age 25+, no sex.

Third: No addictive problems.

Fourth: Kindness to animals and children.

There's a lot more. I run men through the ringer to make sure they're WORTH wasting my time on.

luv4all7 said:

How do you think you get to know yourself?

Oh. He also asked me if I have ever been "in love" with any of these guys. And I was like, I dunno.

He's like well, if you don't know, then NO, you weren't.

And I'm like, I LOVED them, I mean I love everyone, yanno? And I said, if your talking about fairy tale type of love stuff, I said, I don't believe in that.

And he said, that there IS such a thing as the fairy tale love stuff, and that we all deserve to have that.

What do ya's think?

gemini13 said:

That's not true at all. I have never heard a preacher say sex is bad. I have heard preachers say that sex outside of the confines of marriage can have some consequences. All the preachers I know talk of sex within the biblical context as a beautiful thing. Even the Bible talks about it as such.

Luv4all7, start by committing your relationship with that person (at whatever stage it is) to the Lord. Ask Him daily for wisdom concerning that person and how to interact with them.

Talk to the person a lot. The wisdom God will give you will help you see what kind of person they are. God is faithful in this regard, believe me. See them around their friends, let them meet your friends, go out to different types of events, etc. Be honest with them about your religious context and how that shapes physical interaction in romantic relationships. If the relationship progresses enough, go to church with them and have them attend church with you. That way, you begin to have a "cloud of witnesses" who can provide guidance and, if necessary, caution. (i.e., an older, wiser woman who can say: "He's not for you because..." or, "He seems like a great guy. Congrats!")

The deeper you go that way, the easier it is to discern the person's motives (as well as your own), and the easier it is to build a relationship on more substantive bases than on a physical one.

applekisses said:

Yeah. Thats always nice, but I need a guy.

luv4all7 said:

I agree... you deserve it too Luv

Anx said:

you ass!

ThreadBare said:

I love you.

GangstaFam said:

you're just jealous because i'm so insightful.

the 4 most meaningful and lasting relationships ( partners ) in my life ...

slowly grew sexually ... YES the desire was there and at times overwhelming

the soonest i had sex with a partner was 3 months after we started dating

and after 20-ish yrs we are still together

for ME going slow and learning each other 1st before sexual attachment always worked best



I hope you find the answers you are searching for within your marriage

Anx said:

This is true.

GangstaFam said:

The disgusting thing, is that Anx just described the last 6 years of my life to a T.

Well except I'm not on drugs now.

to me --- i think "healthy relationship" is tough to define .... and i have been doing alot of soul searching on that topic too luv...

its like ... the "perfect family" ... does it ever exist ??? You meet someone and their family and u are like ... wow ... they are perrrrfect ... and then you get to know them ... and u realize ....oh ... dougy has his alcohol problem... and Susie slept with half the town ... etc ....

so ... breaking it down ... i think one of the most important things between a hubby and wife are just "supporting each other" .... if you are stay at home mom --- he supports you as much as possible with that ... and same with you and his "job" .. etc ... your wants ... desires ... dreams kinda just flow from that .... I have seen so many couples that do it in various ways .... and some which i thought "wow , what a happy couple" ... and then of course ... u realize they got the same probs as everyone !!!

luv4all7 said:

At least it sounds like you're learning from all of this. The more you know, the more you can make changes.

luv4all7 said:

Sounds to me like he has given you some cool and non judgmental advice!

SnidelyWhiplash said:

My pastor said that too. That I'm good at wearing a mask.

Muse2NOPharaoh said:

Oh yeah. He's an awesome guy! For real.

lonely as I am, (and I am ) I'm sticking with the getting to know myself thing for a while. And I mean that anything but crudely. I don't want to to force myself into anything that might result in a mess of feelings. I need time

As far as sex, unless you're after a fling or a one night stand I think it's for the best to wait a little while. Of course there are instances where these have blossomed into relationships, but more often that not, they blossom into nothing. If you want a good, solid relationship, get to know the person before you concentrate on the physical, because relationships need more than sex.