Okay,

So I gather Baumeister posted a thread on my behalf with a little message for you all. Sadly, Prince.org has been banned at school (don't worry - I'm sleeping with the IT guy to get him to unban it), so I can't post here...but here's what's been going on.

I'm turning 18, I'm in my final year of school. Over the past year and a half I've been gearing all my work and general life towards choosing/going to University. I've aimed high - I'm trying for Oxford. Oxford is a hell of a lot of work to get into. Not only do you have to submit a personal statement like with all other universities, but you also have to read subject-orientated literature, be interviewed, take aptitude tests, and "voluntarily" write work to give to them to analyse.
I'm applying to do French and Spanish. Over the summer in order to help out my application and make it more appealing I read a book on linguistics, 100 Years of Solitude (in Spanish), went to Paris and Madrid (to practise my french and spanish) and am currently reading Shadow of the Wind (in Spanish). That's a hell of a lot, just to stand a chance of being asked to attend the interview to get into the University, and even then I might not be offered the interview.
I got my AS-Level results over the summer too. I got AAABB. I was expecting AAAAB, but somehow I fucked up one of the modules in Maths. I was so fucking annoyed, mainly because I didn't get was I was expecting (I was annoyed enough that I was predicted AAAAB and not AAAAA, but I've gotta be realistic - I'm not very good at Economics), and secondly because Oxford usually require straight As. Getting 2 Bs (one wouldn't be bad) seriously hinders my chances.
I started school last week. The first thing I was greeted with by my Spanish teacher was essentially "why the fuck are you applying to oxford? you're shit." - I've since received the most amount of work I've ever had to deal with in my life. I have been working harder than I've ever worked at school for the past week, and it's gonna carry on all year, with the likelihood being that I won't get into Oxford anyways, which makes it all in vain.

Essentially, after a year and a half of planning and working for this, it's all starting to fall apart at the final hurdle. Do you guys have any idea how horrible this feels? I've been so angry over the past 3-4 days I've been breaking a lot of shit, I've been incredibly cutting with my friends, I've been miserable, and I started cutting myself again.

When it reached crisis point 2 days ago and I was questioning everything I'd ever worked for, I called my parents and arranged a meeting between them, myself and the my housemaster (essentially the man that runs my life at Eton). We ironed things out. We recognised that this is a hard process, and thank God my Dad was finally corrected and is now not assuming that Oxford is the next logical step from Eton and that it's the be-all-and-end-all of my education, because, in reality it isn't. It helps, and it's a great Uni, but it's still good if I go to UCL or KCL (my 2nd and 3rd choice Unis). I was questioning whether I really wanted to go through the Oxford application process at all, and after some serious consideration, we decided it was probably worth at least giving it a shot otherwise I might regret not even trying in later life - which I now agree with.



This whole thing has just been fucking horrible, and thank God it's finally clearing up, but my workload isn't changing and I'm facing a year of hell. It feels really shit. It really does. I just want to say "fuck you and all your pretentious bullshit, I quit." I just wanna walk away, but I know that if I do, my life's going down the toilet, so I can't even though I feel like it so much. It's just pretty shit, although I feel better now I've got it out, and I'm not referring to the fact that I'm sitting here writing this totally naked.

Sorry you've had so much pressure in your life....once you're done with university, you'll wonder why you put so much stress on yourself.
time will make things better, SM

Spookymuffin said:

GREAT beginning and end to your post.

I was wondering where you had been lately. Sounds like hell though.

Oh, and don't cut yourself anymore, ok?

Sounds like an incredible amount of stress.

Are you saying the nakedness doesn't help?

purplerein said:

No, the stress will pay off if I get in, but it won't if I didn't. Those bastard Oxford Dons.

Ben.

A little advice:

Try not to walk away from it all.

Seek therapy before you burn out. Possibly anti-depressants if needed.

When I hit 22, I finally did burn out after many years of not really dealing very well with the kind of pressure you're going through. I had a "nervous breakdown", was first diagnosed with long-term depression and anxiety and later first-episode psychosis, most likely triggered by my former excessive drug use.

So I recommend help, wherever you can get it.

I finally went back to college earlier this year (27 now) and I am still finding it incredibly tough all over again. But all I can do is my best, and the same goes for you and indeed, anyone.

I know how it is, bud. But all I can suggest is seeking help; quit trying to harm yourself (been there with the "cutting" thing too) and take care of your mind, soul and body while you're still young. Don't let anybody put you off what you really want to achieve in this life and how you'd best like to see yourself succeed... some people just don't give a shit, man.

Ignore them.

To paraphrase Steven Hawking, humans started off as animals, then learned how to talk. A whole of of bad shit went down since then and now, but the best way to fix that bad shit is for us humans to never stop talking. It's the only real way to make things better.



.
[Edited 9/16/06 8:38am]

There's nothing I can say that makes you feel better but you will, in time

Try to be thankful for the opportunities you have

mrdespues said:

Holy crap this sounds like me.

mrdespues said:

Thanks man.

minneapolisgenius said:

See, I told you I thought we probably had more than a bit in common!

I get these hunches about some people.

mrdespues said:

Yeah, you weren't kidding.

Spookymuffin said:

No worries.

Things willl work out for you

luv4u said:

They have a way of working out, don't they.

Hold on, Benny...it's not much longer...and as you said, you are not failing anyone if you end up at either your second or third choice universities. Things will be fine...be a little more gentle with yourself, ok?

applekisses said:

Thanks. I still want to go to oxford though.

Spookymuffin said:

You're welcome...
And, you're still applying...right? But, what I'm saying is if it doesn't happen the world is not going to come crashing down.

applekisses said:

I know that. But the teachers, in their eagerness for you to succeed, make it sound as if it will. It's not that I believe them - believe me I really don't care if I don't get it, but it does add a lot of pressure when they get on your back.

Spookymuffin said:

Spookymuffin said:

I know, hon...and that's why I'm reminding you. You don't need any added pressure right now...

applekisses said:

I'm like...a big...boiler...all ready to....explode!

Spookymuffin said:

Have a j.o. ...you'll feel better....

IrresistibleB1tch said:

cheers. i just shaved my pubes - i feel much better.

Dang Spook , that's a tough story .
I have to say that your Spanish teacher wasn't very positive in constructive critisism . Teachers should be aware of that .
On one hand , you started to work to work like crazy ... on the other hand you got very frustrated ... i'm not shure if your teachers' comment was the cause of that mood .
Hope you're gonna have a lotta sunshine in the future brother ... peace .

100MPH said:

Cheers mate. The frustration stemmed more from the fact that I thought I had everything sorted when now it appears I didn't.

Put it into perspective mate. You don't need therapy for a start and I'm a bit shocked someone recommended that. Go down the pub and have a beer and a laugh with your mates. Then think about the fact that a lot of folks dont worry about getting into Oxbridge. Getting into Oxbridge isn't the be all and end all and no matter who says otherwise is just kidding themselves and enforcing uneccesary stress on you which you dont need in your final year.

Relax, concentrate hard on your studies and dont worry too much about the outcome. You WILL go to university no matter where and have the time of your life.
[Edited 9/16/06 14:15pm]

JDINTERACTIVE said:

Cheers.
I've just had a few pints.
You're right, and I guess I didn't convey it very well but I don't care if I get into Oxford or not, nor, surprisingly, do my parents anymore - but I'm gonna give it a go anyway, and I'm just pissed off with the amount of extra work I have to do JUST to apply. It's absurd. Oxford are arrogant fuckers to have done this, but whatever.

As for therapy, I never will becase I'd rather live reality and life without chemical help, even if it does mean I feel like poop.

Spookymuffin said:

NO therapy, NO Fucking pills. It takes perspective and focus. You have an incredible opportunity in front of you.

Listen, what seems rough now will only be a bump in the road in this crazy life. I just implore you to stay the course and remember that everything you fight through will only make you stronger. If you bow to the perssure, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

But definately stay in constant contact with friends....positive ones. Dont bottl eup the stress, let it out. But do it to those who will listen.

You have already accomplished a great deal..congratulations. Say focused.
[Edited 9/16/06 16:07pm]