DexMSR said:

I'll be a total nerd and quote Ewan McGregor as Obi Wan here:

"Only in your mind, my fellow young apprentice."

Anx said:

the thing with me though is that i'm the kinda person who unless i've fallen ill, if there's some chore that i gotta do then i'ma do it.

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

ok, don't confuse the discussion with the example.

say you're not particularly into following current events, but your sweetie is, and they talk to you about what's going on in the world in a way that you find interesting. you still don't like CNN, but it's cool when your partner talks to you about it. uh-oh, a role is developing! time to break up!

Anx said:

that's not really a role, though.

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

Saying it is not is SUCH a childish role to play.



Of course it is roles. Every trait is a role. Stop nitpicking. Even you going against the definition is a role. Or is it a trait. In the meantime I just know you think you do not follow role-patterns in your relations. Fez up!

Hehehe.

I know a few relations where the dynamic of who wears the pants, as we call the domineering part in a relationship here in Hollland, is unclear, which is fun. I rather have a relationship based on equality than have the balance tipped to one side too much.

Still trying, though. Am single for four years now, had two relationships that indeed had roles. You cannot escape them; just by saying hi on the street you take on a certain role.

Yes, there are roles in my relationship (surprise, surprise).

But, they're not set in stone. Life has a way of keeping you flexible, of setting priorities and weight to different dynamics within a relationship.

For example, I'm used to paying for (most) everything, when I'm in a relationship. My girlfriend appreciates that, but has made clear that won't be the way we roll. It's not an absolute at all.

She does, however, expect for us to pray together once a week (a thing I also like), but she leaves space for me to initiate it most of the time. And, she prays, too, after I've finished. It's a wonderful thing!

Along the lines of more conventional things (cooking, cleaning, etc.), I'm probably as comfortable doing those as she. So, if we were to get married, I wouldn't expect her to do it all.

She and I also have a lot in common recreationally, which reinforces our desire to be around each other and to direct our energies to common things. Our interest in serving one another, within that teamwork context, almost seems incidental and more important than saying, per se: "You're a (wo)man, so you do x, y and z..."

And then there's the God element, where His faithfulness and love show up in the most amazing ways. He is our foundation and really acts as an Agent in how we flow, too.

HamsterHuey said:

i don't.


as would i.


not particularly.

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

but it is. one person is fulfilling a role that you're completely capable of filling if you had to, but it's something they enjoy, and in so doing, it's something they can share with you. so, your partner would play the "news junkie" role in the relationship. at a party, someone could talk about current events with you and you might say "speak to my sweetie, i'm not the news nut." AHA! ROLES!

it sounds more like you have attached a bad connotation to the word "roles" than anything. call it what you like. in fact, here: by "roles" i mean "kittens that poop money". is that better?
[Edited 9/14/06 10:35am]

Anx said:

again, not a role. that's more along the lines of something that they like to do. they don't have to necessarily do that for me, especially if i'm able to find stuff out for myself on my own or by other means.


nah. i think in more different terms than most people, i suppose.

DexMSR said:

My women understand that they are women, yes.

This thread should probably be titled "Roles in your straight relationship?"

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

well, i guess you're just stuck with all us simple unenlightened schmoes then.

Anx said:

nah, ya'll ain't unenlightened at all. just weird.

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

@ both of you.

I love you both.

Every relationship I've been in has ended up having some roles, and I like it. It makes life simpler.

Some of them have been household things. In my current relationship, she is better about cooking and that sort of life-management thing, and I'm the person who plans and can figure out technical/financial stuff. It frees us both up to do what we're good at.

I've also been in roles that have been shifted on purpose. For example, in my first long-term relationship, I started out being completely in charge of finances. We realized over time that he was worrying about money a lot, and that he might feel better if he had more of a sense of understanding and control, so I handed that role over to him. While he wasn't as good at it in some ways, it was a positive thing for him.

I also realize that I've almost always had an emotional caregiver role in my relationships, which didn't really register with me until I got into a relationship with somebody who was ALSO used to being that. I then realized that that's a role I don't want to have exclusively; I want to be in relationships (romantic and friendships) where that is mutual. It has really changed my approach.

i work in a demanding career, yet am a domestic goddess. i bake the bread and tend the flowers.

i expect my men to take out the trash in a timely manner and kill the bugs when they get home from work.

i'm def. an old skool dinasaur in that respect.

but i like to share certain parts of the domestic life like the cooking and washing of dishes.

and i'm always ready and willing to trade a back rub for a foot massage

ok, now that i've tried to be st. anx: defender of relationship roles, lemme mention a couple of things i've noticed, good and bad.

i have a tendency to go into serious zelig mode when i'm in a relationship and 100% into it. if someone is into something that i find interesting, i tend to take on that interest as well. i take on mannerisms. i take on a lot of things. it's weird. eventually i realize what i'm doing and i attempt to keep it under control.

conversely, i've been in more than a few situations where my partner has taken on some of my traits, and some of the roles that i consider "MINE" become theirs, and i feel a little like certain parts of my identity have been stolen or counterfeit...that's a little bit of role reversal weirdness i can do without.

Anx said:

Yeah, that part is hard, because there's a fine line. To me, one of the really fun things about getting to know somebody well is to get to learn about the stuff they are into, and geek out about new/different things that you might not have thought of, and learn new ways of thinking about things. But it can totally go into this Relationship Bot Clone Yuck Land that's really bad.

HereToRockYourWorld said:

that sounds creepy as hell.

My avatar, including its modifications and the philosophy behind it, is pretty much how we define the roles in my marriage.
Thanks and have a good day.

Adisa said:

So what you're saying is...

You have a huge yang?

relationship-clone-bot-yuck-land...now that i think of it, i remember seeing several of my friends who were in relationships fall victim to that...thing of it is, that was way back in like junior high and high school.

the more i hear about shit like that, the more it makes me wanna stay single.

Goodness I truly hate that word role..

I really don't have any roles in my relationship.

If he wants to cook he cooks, if I want to take out the trash
I take out the trash.

If we chose to cook together we do.

If I chose to be the agressive one in bed I am, and the same with him.

He makes money, I make money..

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

Well, that's your perogative. But then you'd miss out on the fun side of that. To me, it's worth the trouble to walk that line and try to stay on the not-icky end of it.

HereToRockYourWorld said:

learning about someone else is cool, but not if folks're gonna be all leechy about it and not provide their own spin or something.

My Role --- Remove any flying insects (Moths / Butterflies etc) from the House

My Girlfriends role ---- Get rid of the Spiders.....

They are the only set roles we have.


Everything else mix and match - Though my Partner cooks more than I do and I tend to do grubby Garbage disposal jobs more than her. Otherwise we get along just fine sharing the jobs.

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

Well, right. And that's the whole thing, is that it be give-and-take, not take-and-imitate.

Who wants to fuck?

Cloudbuster said:

Seriously though, I am all for roles. I want my man or woman to stay at home and take care of our household. If I'm bringing home the bacon, they can stay home and fry it up in pan.

DexMSR said:

because my wife has had back surgery, I do all the lifting..laundry, vacuuming,
gardening..I do the food shopping as well..which I actually enjoy. our roles as parents as defined by what's needed at the time, though I'm a stricter disciplinarian. My wife is a stay at home mom, and has a harder job then I do.
She's the nurterer, comforter and homework checker. We grew into these roles as they became necessary