I was downstairs in front of my office building smoking, and a muslim woman was hobbling down the sidewalk. the poor thing's feet were turned completely at 180 degree angle, like toes completely pointing oppositte directions. sort of like the mary poppins thing, but not posed as such. she was using arm brace crutches to walk herself along the sidewalk, her skirt completely mangled by being dragged on the sidewalk, holes where it had caught under her feet and ripped. she was clutching a dirty cup from Subway in one hand, it was almost on the sidewalk. her poor back was so fucked up from having to lean on those arm braces and distribute her weight as if she were an animal on all fours, it just destroyed me.

i tried to keep my composure, and as she walked by i choked back tears, smiled at her and gave her all the change in my pocket. she smiled very warmly at me, and thanked me profusely, almost as if few people help her out. watching her go, virtually everyone ignored her.

i kept it in check till i got in the elevator and rethought my giving her my change. i thought about pulling out a single or two and giving those to her, but like an asshole, i got greedy, knowing the smallest i had was a 5 dollar bill. i totally broke down. i am such an asshole.

Don't beat yourself up sweetheart. Just keep this in mind for the next time and have faith. It comes back in folds. You could always keep an eye out for her in the next few days and make up for what you feel is a failure

1 st

2nd ... ~ sends you Reiki ~


3rd ...life is full of different teachers

clear your emotions ( after embracing them ) and look at the lesson

you did a good thing

dont undermine your souls gift

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

thanks

Mach said:

i just can't shake it. I am up here buying dvds and other unessential crap, doing practically nothing all day and getting paid for it, and this poor woman is so crippled she can not possibly work, clearly having come from a poor nation in hopes that in america some of the extreme excesses of wealth will trickle down out of charity, and i fucking stiffed her because my fat greedy ass couldnt bear to part with a five dollar bill.

ugh, i feel awful.

Your not an asshole!
You gave her money.
U felt compassion for her.
U feel bad enough to post it.
Your beautiful.
Most people don't give a rats ass.
I'm pleasantly surprised that U care.

Mad hugs!

especially after i gave the human rights campaign 20 earlier today because they are fighting for gay equality. what's equality when this woman cant even walk upright? i mean how fucking selfish am i that i will be pandered to and give up a 20, but see a hopelessly mangled woman begging for food money and only give her change??

ugh, i feel so disgusted with myself.
[Edited 8/16/06 13:00pm]

luv4all7 said:

yea, but still... thanks.

i think i just ruined my own night.

cborgman said:

Hey look the left in your post.
It could be worse!

Remember...everything helps.

Maybe you could find out about some free healthcare clinics in the area or agencies that may be able to help her and ask her if she'd like the help...maybe even take her there in a cab. That kind of help is free and can make a huge difference. She could get some new clothes and maybe some health care.

i hope i see her again soon when i have cash in my pocket.

i cant freaking stop tearing up. everytime i see her feet being sort of dragged along behind her in my mind, it fucking makes my heart break again

luv4all7 said:

okay, that made me laugh a little.

cborgman said:

Baby, I have played out this exact scenario more than you can imagine I always feel like shit too but I used those other experiences to shape the way I react and act now. I have no problem anymore handing some poor person who obviously has nothing compared to everything that I have and so I can easily part with a $5, 10 or 20.

Just think about this experience for next time and love yourself. You already did more than most people would.

applekisses said:

that's part of why i think i am so upset. i mean, i work in one of the richest areas in one of the richest cities in the world. like, seriously. dan rather is on our floor, and martin scorceses used to have an office a few floors up. these people make TONS. granted, i get paid more than i have any right to make with my lack of education, but they of untold riches were all completely ignoring her and walkign around her, with annoyed faces that they had to step around this slow moving creature.

You've got nothing to feel bad about, at least you saw her, for a lot of other people passing she was invisible .

You're a great guy Chris.

cborgman said:

See baby, there is a lot to celebrate. Your huge heart and ability to love. That you have confirmed from this. I love you!

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

i hope i see her soon,. that will help. then i can make it right and feel better, but even then, i feel like i am just buying away my guilt.

ugh, empathy can be such a FUCKING awful thing to have sometimes. the last time this happened, i was getting off the subway and there was a guy who had that disease wehere the muscles in certain limbs like are locked up... i have no idea what it is called. i was getting off of the train, and he was rushing down the stairs to catch the train before it left, and he fell. fell on his good side, and the locked up arm was right side up, and twitching, and he looked so horribly embarrased that he feel in front of all theses able-bodied people. you know that just killed his pride.

it just killed me... i started crying on the escalator

OK, I'm going to sound like such a hippy pussy for saying this but I had a simalar experience a few months ago. I even posted about it on myspace only to pull it back out of embarassment.


I was at they gym, kind of feeling furstrated about not being able to achieve the body I've been working on. Basically, feeling down for myself.

When a man walked up to a lat-pull machine across from mine. He was being followed by what I will assume was his daugther. She was between 11 and 13 I assume, and she was the prettiest girl I've ever seen. She was absolutely adorable, with a cute smile, and long brown hair--just a doll.
But from her waist down, her legs where bent strangely, allowing only for staggered walking, using one of those walkers that looked like a cage.

I have never considered handi-capped peopel lesser, or any different from me--we all have handicaps (mental, personal, spiritual or physical) that we have to deal with.
but I couldn't stop staring at her. I imagined all the pain and ridicule I had recieved growing up and being different from other kids, and I projected these epxeriences on her in spades. I imaged such a beautiful girl, with such a beautiful smile, having to live out her life with ridicule in the beginning, then becoming invisible later on in life, and finally being met with nothing more than pity--the kind that shamefully I was feeling for her at that mommment. It brought me nearly to tears right there on the spot.

She was such a beautiful girl. Why would creation if it is indeed a good force, allow such beauty to be imperfected? To be softenned even more by so much pain? It made me hate the cruelty of life, but also made me hate myself for having the audacity to feel sorry for myself!

It affected me deeply.

LleeLlee said:

thanks

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

love you too, honey... cant wait to meet you in person

cborgman said:

I know, honey...and I know how you feel. There are times (because of recovering from the fire I was in and the job layoff I had a year before that) that I'm still broke and see a person who asks for money and I can't give it to them...I feel terrible about it, but there are specific times when we can't help (that's why I work in the non-profit sector...so that what I'm doing is always making an impact somewhere...it's so selfish, but it makes me feel better )
Many people get to a point in life that they forget what it's like to be only a few steps away from homelessness. It's a shame. BUT...if all of us who have empathy do something, anything, we can make a difference.

Imago said:

EXACTLY! same thing. it just shoots right into the center of your heart.

applekisses said:

whiole i am baring it all and getting uncharachteristically (fuck spelling, i am too upset) vulnerable, i fellt awful when that happened to you, because i was without a job at the time, and was scraping by and wanted to help, but couldnt. the worst part was i felt awful, because i wanted to post about wanting to but not being able to, but couldnt bring myself to admit i was hurting at the time. then after everyone sent all the stuff, and you were so overjoyed, i felt even worse for not having at least posted to let you know that i was thinking about you.



i owe you a blender or soemthing.

Imago said:

It is just the system of life. As hard as that girl has it compared to you or me, there are others that have it even harder... Suffering should not exist, yet it does. What to do?

cborgman said:

I'll hand deliver it to her on my next trip to Heaven

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

i miss the midwest. being at ceder point recently and looking across the lake and knowing michigan (my home state) was on the other side was a warm fuzzy moment.

alright, i think i feel better.

thank you, guys.



sometimes, i embarrass myself with how much of a bleeding heart stereotype i can be.
[Edited 8/16/06 13:29pm]

cborgman said:

Don't feel bad. You did a good thing. You're only human.

coolcat said:

thanks

cborgman said:

you dont have to and should not be expected to shake it off yet

that too is aprt of the lesson