The story of our lives

Dear Alcohol,


First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the
holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering
about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:



1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is

important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
>>necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
people when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that
I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and
some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclecticeater, but I think
you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need
to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue
home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the
black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are
beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get
thefront door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order,
but the 3pm hangover mobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot.
I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a
bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my
daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just
don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan Party Girl CarrieCee

Fucking perfect!!!