oh well might as well..

Sunday May 7, 2006 8:16 pm
I’m logging this entry just for the sake of it.

I just finished watching Passion & Fury: The Emotional Brain and was quite intrigued by the physicality involved in such studies. I frequently read about such things in a slightly disturbed manner but watching the video just plain scares me.

The mystery of the human brain and the neuroscience involved – how interesting.

I guess my own physical weakness as a child causes me to avoid biology related topics until I realize that there are some things that I should look into and be aware of for preventative purposes. I threw a few fits of anger today and my hand was trembling uncontrollably for quite some time; a strong feeling deep inside my skull still pains me. Sometimes it also causes the fluids in my spine to swell up and I have to lie down from being just plain sore.

I’ve really become interested in studying the karma or “vibe” that you get from different people depending not only on their genetic makeup but also their location of upbringing. People (of any race) who grow up in tropical or humid climates often appear to me as having a very strong interior i.e. bad to the bone. When they reach out, it feels very solid. People who come from colder climates with a mixture of humidity and ice often feel quite the opposite. It’s almost as if you’re afraid to hurt them because even though they may be muscular, their bone density would be “milder” in comparison. Finally, people who come from very dry climates (like myself) are just totally whacked out. Pretty decent bone structure but may have external tissue problems that can cause an aggressive reaction that leaves with a soft touch. Weird, huh? Party out people ... my heart is still beating ....

Not only is the physical structure of the body distinguishable but human behaviour is also deeply interconnected with the stars and your horoscope. Astrology is also a studied science as is biology and is used to describe the nature of human beings. The weather and locale affects the development of the fetus and thus also dictates the brain function of a newborn. It’s the nature verses nurture argument again. It makes people predictable, it changes group dynamics, and it causes or solves conflicts based on the type of language used.

Do you feel you don't know me anymore?
And do you feel I'm afraid of your love?
And how come you don't want me asking?
And how come my heart's not invited?
You say you want everyone happy
Well, we're not laughing.

And how come you don't understand me?
And how come I don't understand you?
Thirty years say we're in this together
So open your eyes.

- John Petrucci from Scarred by Dream Theater


I'll write something else I won't understand later I guess

slicksight said:

Yes, I too feel that human behaviour is also deeply interconnected with the stars and your horoscope.

I'll say, as a side note, your entire post is quite charming.

Mazurack said:

aww thanks

slicksight said:

Seriously though, if you speak as you read I could listen to you for days. Lovely.

Mazurack said:

see.. this is why I get stuck with the same people.. then they start getting cozy and things need to change and it feels weird when u have to do different things and are still trying to make time for the same friends.. after a few years u only have a vague idea of what all those people r up to.

I either don't talk at all cuz I'm typing or don't type cuz I'm talking.. one or the other

slicksight said:

Get it right, damnit! When you do, and if it goes my way, note me and I'll give you my number and we can have a phone rendezvous!

And, baby, that happens to everyone. Things get cozy, things need to change, it feels weird, you try to make that time with friends, you feel lost... and yeah... what you said. Keep on a talkin'.. it makes me smile!

Mazurack said:

did u just start a storm somewhere?

2freaky4church1 said:

2freaky4church1 said:

What? Have you lost your damned mind. Perhaps I'm just reading your post wrong. That's more than likely the case and if that is the case, my apologies for saying that your mind went wayward. If not, my comment stands.

While I don't have statistics on it, never really cared to look into it, but a lot of the homeless, that I've run across, have had a variety of problems and the vast majority of them had nothing to do with being bipolar. There are many with no mental illnesses at all and there are others who have a mental illness other than being bipolar that landed them where they are and there are some that do suffer with being bipolar. A lot of them? I'm not so sure about that.

I am bi-polar and I do indulge, from time to time, in alcohol, and I also don't take meds. While it is true, statistically, that indulging, as well as over indulging, in alcohol is common among those with the illness, it isn't to say that doing so will send you out of your home and onto the nearest street corner. There is also a fair amount of us that do not take meds to adjust the chemical levels in our brain that can adapt socially and have functional relationships that really aren't that much worse than those that "normal" people experience. A lot of it depends on our friends and family and how willing they are to put up with a lot of what someone suffering with the illness has to dish out.

To answer the question, from my own experience, I will say that it is difficult on the person that has the illness and perhaps even more difficult on those that are close to him/her.

I have lived with manic depression (that's what they called it back then) for over 20 years. I dealt with it very horribly in the beginning, over indulging in alcohol to try and diminish the horror and darkness that rushes over, which, I will agree, does not help one in a depressive state as it is a "downer". Many people, those with the illness, and those suffering from bouts of depression, often look towards alcohol to try and make them feel better and forget. It does not take the pain away nor does it relieve the darkness that is in everything you see. Do I feel it is a bad thing? I don't know. It's harmed me and relieved me.


While medication is not/was not the option for me, I konw that it has helped a vast majority of people go on with their lives. It just doesn't work for me. I've been on Eskalith, (Lithium) and a couple other forms of Lithium and it's not helped. In fact, it made me more suicidal. Then I had the bother of going to the doctor, regularly, to check my liver. I then stopped the Lithium and went several years without medication, until the suicidal tendancies were something I wasn't able to control on my own, which they then prescribed other meds, which also made it worse.

While I was considered a loner I was still able to function along with my peers as I became a very good actress. The shame and fear of what others would think of me brought about my acting skills. I could function normally around those that were able to put up with my moods and, later, I was able to adjust my moods and act my way though so that even those friends that did hang around were oblivious to what I was seeing/feeling. I now think along the lines of that what I am seeing is not what, "DexMSR" is seeing", that my mind is clouded. And I know that, now, after years of doing this, that eventually my world will become overly vibrant again. Sometimes too vibrant and I have to lower my actions to that of a normal person or as close as I can get.

In my own experience what happens is this. I am either high or low. In my low times the world is clouded with grey. It's as if someone placed a giant, grey transparency over the entire world. Everything I see is in shades of grey. Everything looks dirty. Everything. You don't want to get up, you don't want to shower, you don't want to clean your teeth, you could care less about anyone, you hate yourself. I've went over five weeks without cleaning my teeth and combing my hair and I had to have my hair cut off because of it being so snarled. You simply cannot function.

In your high, or in my high, you take everything to the extreme. You talk a bit faster, you shop and shop and often times you buy shit you don't want or need, and I tend to buy bundles of it. This can be a HUGE financial burden as it is easy to drop hundreds, if not thousands, on items just because you think it is a good idea and it's okay. You tend to think you are invinsible. Whatever idea enters your mind is a GREAT idea. You go with it. No one can stop you; no one can bring you down. Then you crash. No longer a good idea. The idea is out of your head. You may go headstrong with something only to the amazement of others find that, you know, well, bad idea, just not into it anymore. Again, that can add up to a huge financial burden. In the high I've found myself taking risks that weren't safe for myself or my family. But you really, truly think it is a good idea at the time. I've organized and re-organized my cupboards and drawers. Over and over and over again. Once I realized it, years ago, I now have the frame of mind to catch myself.

It boils down to this. Anyone with the illness should seek medical counseling. A lot of the homeless are not bipolar. If meds work for you take them and continue taking them. If you can act through it and have friends and family there for you when you hit a real, hard bottom and can get by without them, then do that. I have "on call" people who are there for me when I hit bottom. True friends and my mom. I answer the phone for no one else when I get a down time. I have to answer the phone if my "on call" people call and most times it is just a "hello", and we hang up. They call just to make sure I am still here.

Honesty is a big thing with those that have the illness. Be honest to those close to you. If they are any friends at all they will certainly be there for you and research what the illness is all about and be more compasionate and understanding when you switch back and forth. Understand that this is not easy on them either. Understand that each friend that turns their back is another thing added to the down time when they hit their depression. Also, understand that while they're in their depression, and they don't speak to you, that it's not because they don't want to, but it's because they can't. And, if they do things out of the ordinary, or act a fool, that you can step in and set them straight and put their head back.

Talk to your friend, try and get them to see someone about it... to diagnose. More than that though, be there for them. I think that's the major key to the illness is the person suffering knows that others are there through their ups and downs and that they know you will still be there after their mania or depression subsides. Violence, alcohol dependancy, shopping splurges, sudden disconnection with family/friends, taking risks... they're all signs. It is also known to be hereditary. Mine is.

My 2,000 cents worth. *shrug*

lithium. lots of lithium

purplerein said:

I know someone who's bi polar that is severely allergic to lithium, none of the other drugs seem to help him much.
He spends huge amounts of time avoiding life- playing video games and watching tv.

shellyevon said:

isn't that "normal"...?

What about the person who is in denial? How do you convince them? Or make them aware?