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PrintableFreespirit said: I have read every single word here... and yes, sharing/disclosing (lifelong struggles) can and has been therapuetic as well as answering in many ways for me. Whether it be journaling, verbally sharing with someone who is facing similar challenges, or simply to share my life challenges. Most moments, in which I have chosen to share, seem appropriate for me.
This is very personal, yet... don't doubt for one second I did not think carefully and cautiously before posting this here publicly. Life is very calm for me, all is well... and this is one of the few challenges I still face to this day. Growth is highly important to me... forgiveness... omg, is something I have had to find through my own life trials and mistakes. Contacting my mother or allowing her into my life... would involve opening a can of worms, sort of speak. There is so much more to this story... so many more people that will come along with such a contact. The struggle I face... how can I keep a peaceful distance, yet still be open to communicating with my mother (whatever it may bring), before she is no longer here. If anyone has lived this sense of realness in knowing... "Every second could be our last"... let's just say, I live with this constant awareness. This..., this situation has been the essence of who I am today. Most definitely. I am not angry with my mother anymore. Was I angry... well if saying I was like a mild bomb waiting to explode... I would say yes. Am I shameful (?), no... not anymore... if by sharing a struggle (one in which has been an eternity for me) can help another soul in any way (make a connection)... while at the same time... relieve my questioning by releasing it, then by all means... I simply decided to share today, because it has been an answer I have seeked all my life. ~~~ My aunt called me last night, my Great Aunt (the mother who raised me). She gave me my biological mother's number. I wrote it down... (she knows of my choice to keep my distance), and no I hardly agree with my Great Aunts way of thinking. However, she quickly mentioned.... just in case your Aunt (my mothers sister) calls, let her know your mother has changed her number. So as I walk pass my white board on the fridge.... my question whether or not to call... is quite active. Never have I written down what I have typed here today (not quite in this manner)... has it been freeing to release it no matter the private/personal content that it entails.  !
If there has been a moment that has taught me the greatest lesson, I must say it has been Communication 101 early on in College. An assignment which put me in a situation where I had to share the truth about my family for the first time, in public.... in front of complete strangers. I was sick to talk about it, openly... it felt like the worst day of my life.... yet it was probably one of my best. Since then... talking about my past, when it fits a moment has become easier. Sometimes, like today.... I will just sit down and throw it out, to rid of something that has seemingly weighed me down... when I no longer wish to carry the weight. Done. I am going to call my mother... I have made a decision. Reading your words... truly has helped me feel more at ease with moving forward with this, instead of living with this pressure of thought. Thank you. 
[Edited 7/11/06 19:25pm] You are strong, Julie, and remember that now, YOU can set the boundaries ~ you can decide how much or how little contact is healthy for you. Maybe try to imagine for a moment that your mom has passed. What would you have wanted to say that you did not? When you call, remain calm and focused ~ try to approach it without specific expectations. Mach is right ~ each of us is a product of all the experiences of our lives and you have been resiliant and consciously directed your life in a more joyful, peaceful path. Meditate on your name for a bit ~ Freespirit ~ what a beautiful philosophy. Remember, when you talk with your mom that you are Freespirit.  Music is the language of the spirit. It opens the secret of life bringing peace, abolishing strife. --Kahlil Gibran | |
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Hey you, firstly I would just like to say that it is always extremely touching to know what other people go through and in some ways helps others, helps others to help themselves and makes the rest of us know how lucky we really are. Thanks for posting Julie (  Dex - Jessica Rabbit thread later mate  ) and I hope you gleaned some sense of relief for just writing those words.
My advice, for what it's worth, I would love to hear the voice of my mother on the end of a phone but that is never going to happen because she died when I was 15. You are a very strong young woman now, speak to your mom before you no longer have the choice. Happy is he who finds out the causes for things.Virgil (70-19 BC). Virgil was such a lying bastard! | |
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Orgnote comming  | |
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julie if you called your mum hope it went ok honey xxxxx its only you that knows whats best | |
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Julie , I think it is a good decision to talk to your mother on the phone once again. As soon as things go in a direction that it doesn't feel right you can still say "stop", but at least you gave it another try. Even if she didn't act like a mother she still is your mother and you still feel connected with her in some way even if you'd prefer to not do. I very much can relate. I am having a very difficult relationship with my mother as well and it took me years to stop trying to change her and accept that she will never be the mother I want her to be because she just isn't like that. I see her maybe 5 times a year at occasions like christmas, birthdays etc. and we talk on the phone sometimes and we get along, but if we were in closer contact I know it would be very unhealthy for me. I am thinking of you...  With a very special thank you to Tina: Is hammer already absolute, how much some people verändern...ICH hope is never so I will be! And if, then I hope that I would then have wen in my environment who joins me in the A.... | |
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I called my mother today.
I must say... it was a big step for me. Not because I fear my mother, my mother... even through her life choices... has never laid a hand on me. (not that I am aware of) There was severe neglect... and abuse from the men she was with. There were cases found on my older sisters, such as cigarette burns... I don't need to say any more. The fear I have had stems from my own fears... all my life I wanted to make certain I have lived a different life. ... My mother, has always been proud to have me as her daughter, this she has expressed in her own way throughout my life. It was not a close relationship... but I must share... she never fully gave up, even after loosing custody, due to her own choices. Her persistance... through time... be it a year or more... has always been alive. I have had a moment... my time when all that I had kept inside came out in many forms. Some years back...perhaps 5, she lost the only home she had known for years. Forced to live in her Van... in 120 degrees, with her dogs. We searched for places and eventually helped her move onto this property. It fell through... months later. She called... and called... very demanding... (perhaps desperate too) And one day, I said... "Look, we have done what we can...", "I don't owe you anything... you are not my mother even if you are my birth mother." I am obligated to the ones who gave their life for us... and raised as their own!" "You, lost your rights a long time ago..." She hung up... and I did not hear from her for some time. What I am trying to say... what am I trying to say.... ??? I feel I know why she is reaching out... and there are many reasons... One, she has always loved us... in her way... (most children... and I felt this way too) most would feel... How could a mother love her children and do what she has done. How can she live... a live... knowing her choices, lost a big part of who she is, never to get it back fully again. I began to have compassion for my mom many years ago... while at the same time... I wanted to love her from afar. My biggest fear... to be relied on being the strong one. Believe it or not... I am tired of being strong... I mean so strong... it takes life away from you. So we talked... I listened... she is doing well... living on Disability... section 8, involved with a Church (which I have known) that gives free lunches to Homeless people 7 days a week. Provides free necessary items and even Dog Food for her Dogs. She is doing fairly well... All her life she has held a job... minimum wage... taking drugs and associating with some criminal people... but she has survived. I do marvel at her own strength... and look at my own. She has told me she draws strength from me, courage... and that we travel a similar road... (good/bad). She is very much into Spiritual beliefs, my Grandmother was a card reader and predicted events. This does seem to run in our family, call it crazy... it is. She said, "Julie, you have made me so happy" (I told her of my life, loving my job, and starting my Master Program and even finalizing my divorce).... and right then... I realized... She is afraid to die alone. I understood so much... in this single call. I don't wish this for anyone... I do intend in keeping this phone relationship... I told her she is welcome to call anytime. I gain that she may be interested in moving out of Tucson, perhaps moving down where I grew up. It truly is a beautiful place. I would like to see her there... for whatever time she has left. All my life... my adult life... I wished to remove her from Tucson, a place that hold many bad memories for me.... and some really good ones as well. I realized some time back... I cannot save the world, I cannot save my mother, sister or any of the family for that matter. I realized... I only had the ultimate power to save myself. Reaching out is the toughest thing to do... when anger exists... even when you worked through so much, it is still hard. I must say... ~Sigh~ once you reach that point... and pass it... it can be life changing... Setting my boundaries... will be my next challenge... without be harsh. Let's see where this goes... I will keep in touch orgnote concerning this to who wishes to follow. Thank you to those who wrote some incredible moments through orgnote... difficult moments. Many of you have grabbed my heart.
These moments are the most prominent moments that shape who we are today... a reflection of how we see ourselves, how we respond to other people and our world. (good and bad) Your words are right on Mach.
Ps~ She does not express this same attitude to my two other sisters. There is a bigger story to go along with this... although not here, not now.  | |
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Julie, this is absolutely remarkable. You are giving birth to yourself.... I am proud of you 
. [Edited 7/12/06 20:01pm] 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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If anyone, anyone has inspired me with strength Richard... it was you in the beginning (here) and still you now.
I love you. Beautiful Night.
Julie SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said: Julie, this is absolutely remarkable. You are giving birth to yourself.... I am proud of you
. [Edited 7/12/06 20:01pm] | |
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~smiles~ | |
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I read this thread from the start but I didnt feel I had anything useful to add to it. Now i do.
Very, very inspiring FreeSpirit  I dont know you but I want to say that im proud of you too That was a huge step and you took it
I wish you all the luck in the world for this relationship im the future | |
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very inspiring woman
wonderful to see you trusting yourself and your abilities to navigate through the unsure waters you will ultimately be better for having taken the journey  She couldn't stop crying 'cause she knew he was gone to stay | |
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Interesting Julie!
You must dig deep in your soul, you know the answer. Let go, let flow. ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect, it means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections... unknown | |
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Freespirit said: If anyone, anyone has inspired me with strength Richard... it was you in the beginning (here) and still you now.
I love you. Beautiful Night.
Julie SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said: Julie, this is absolutely remarkable. You are giving birth to yourself.... I am proud of you
. [Edited 7/12/06 20:01pm] I would never presume to be the source of anyone's strength, but it is exactly the reason why I chose to share my story in the first place. If for nothing else to let others out there know that the path to healing is something we all can achieve. You my darling, inspire me as well. I am so proud of you. You always have me here when you need me 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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