I have a quetion, one that has been circling my mind for months, if not years/lifetime.

Where do I begin... without writing extensively my whole life...
(Totally unedited) Just my freeflowing thoughts...


How do you form a relationship with a mother who did not raise you and a mother you truly feel no emotional connection to, yet consciously... know is the one who gave you life? How do you approach knowing this mother wishes to be in contact with you, has reach out... but still you are unsure what to do?
A brief explanation... (sorry I went off on a tangent... I am excellent at tangents,as some of you here know... ~Smile~)

If your biological mother lost custody of you due to abuse (of many degrees), yet growing up, (even with court orders to never have contact with your biological mother again) you were still permitted to see her with supervised visits. She (I am talking about my mother) showed interest through the years to keep in contact, for example: She would come by to my grandmothers when we went to Tucson to visit, she would send B-day cards (with a small amount of money, she barely had, sometimes stuff animals) for more years than I can count.

Later in life, I mean my adult years... she would call occassionally, asking for money (which we gave), help in finding a new home (which we helped)... and just a year and a half ago... she was hospitalized with MRSA, her last rights read... and she pulled through it all. She is still living and functioning as well as she can to this day. Her life has been a struggle... nearly living homeless all her life... drugs, violence, poor health, yet somehow, she has been one of the most ulitmate survivors I have ever, ever... known. She is 62 years old.

In the past... and I mean many years ago... I stopped keeping in contact with her, maybe talking to her a handful of time in more years than I can keep track of. When she became ill 1 1/2 years ago... my sister, Great Aunt her raised us (also my mother's aunt) and I went to see her. My aunt in Canada(her sister) and I were on her Power of Attorney. I did not wish to have Power to make decisions for her, I just did not feel in the right place (inside) to have that Power. (It is so strange...)

Anyways, she has since been "living", I say it to this sense... because I do not know how she is living... but I know she still is. Perhaps I am scared to care, to let her into my life. I have struggled with these emotions all my life... yet now, they are far more peaceful/accepting, than an outrage... as it has been in the past. Accepting of my own life... that is.

So, how does one or how can one... find the final relationship with a Mother who is still alive. A mother who still is living a similar life than she has in the past, yes, drugs... lies, living on the streets (even with a roof over her head). How can one allow this biological relationship into their life... with the fears of certain behaviors and negative energies into their "safe" environmental life as of now. Yes, my life is considerably safe... I fear the life I know she and most of my family have lived. I have seen their life take safe, stay the same... with seemingly no way out. A life I have made a lifelong conscious effort to live seperate from and now continuously live somewhat effortlessly.

My mother called me several months ago... my Great Aunt who is like my mother, gave her my cell phone number. I did not answer, nor did I know it was her calling. The message was so sad... she said she knows I am busy... but she would like to hear from me, to please call her. (I just want to cry remembering her voice) I just want to know what the right thing is to do... and for the life of me... I am so torn.

Last Saturday, my mother went to visit my Great Aunt and Uncle who raised my sister and I... a bit of a shock that she actually made it that far. It has been an incredile amount of years since she has been out to my town I grew up in.

I called them last night... to see how my mother looked. I care about her well-being, I think about it all the time. I know a lot now that I truly did not know while young. I realize the many dysfunctional cycles that exist (within my family) her own father molesting her (yet she have never disclosed this)... and I know, much will never change. But, I can change. I know my own power to change the ways in which I think... and the things that I can and will do.

Do I change my actions now... before it is too late... and my mother no longer here? I think I have my own answers... but when I feel I do, I again... feel so unsure.

I am just writing here... to see if anyone can shed some light... as well as for me to obtain my own sense of light to a question I have forever search for some compassionate answer.

The beginning of the journal entry I just wrote sometime last week.

~I began journaling the other day, although as usual... was pulled to do something else, that which left this written thought unfinished...


Journal
I read an article several months ago, one that remains strong in my mind. "In the Service Of Life" Is it what I am here to serve, my community, my family, my friends and ultimately in the end... Our World?" For 35 years I have wondered through my life and the life that resides around me... I grew up as a young, fiesty, untrusting child... full of questions, full of adventure and in truth, pure outright anger. While anger consumed me for the first half of my life, compassion and interests in helping others was always a focus, if not pure determination, as well.

Let me define or analyze why I was so drawn to "help". Was it because I wanted to feel powerful, since I truly felt powerless in my own personal life... or was it because I understood the feeling of fear, loneliness and ultimate neglect/betrayal? The neglect/betrayal from the very people who brought me life and in this world?

I have spent years.... years.. not just one but 20 or more asking myself... "Why", "How"... can parents neglect/abuse thier own children... and ultimately where does such a DEVIL OF AN ACT begin? It was not until my early to mid 20's when I began to uncover bits and pieces of disturbing information. While I did not live in the very shoes who stripped the innocence of young children... nor will I ever fully know the true story of each victim... enough has been revealed/shared by the victims themselvs. My aunt, my sisters, my cousins... and a few prominent memories of my own physical abuse.

In my early 20's to mid 20's... my search for truth was on it's full force mission, yet at the same time... the search for peace & forgiveness my ultimate destiny.

(This is where I stopped) the moment of such writing since passed...

Do I reach out to my mother (one who did not raise me or my sisters and one who I do not see as a mother), I do not wish to make this an ultimate priority... but put-forth a decision that if I don't, may curse me for time to come. Or is it safest to let be?
Thanks for anyone who has made it this far... and thank you for reading...

I know I need to find my own answers... although all my life... I just don't know how... concerning this issue. ~Sigh~

My heart just began racing... due to posting this.
I am going to step away for a bit.

We talked about this when I visited you. And I could tell then that you've been pondering this for a while.

But I really think only you have the answers. I think you can cautiously begin to intitiate contact and step back if you need to, should you decide that's what you really want to do.
And yet, if you feel you can't or don't want to, I think that's ok too.

Again, it's really not something someone else can help you with. At least not someone who doesn't know you well...

But best of luck, in whatever you decide, or even don't decide at this time.


[Edited 7/11/06 14:15pm]

Julie, our lives parallel here more than you'd care to know.

Orgnote coming very soon.

You have answered several of your own questions....

My humble opinion? If anyone's voice can bring tears to your eyes, you still love them.

Open up your heart, love and accept your Mother for who she is ~good and bad~, and hopefully you will find the peace you seek. Dwelling on the negative aspect will bring no good to anyone at this point ~ what has already happened cannot be taken back.

We cannot control other people's (re)actions, but we can control our own. It sounds like she is reaching out to you on an emotional level, so would it really hurt to reach back? If the answer is yes, do what you feel is right for yourself, and make peace and live with that decision.

hey sweetie , i don't know what to say except i think Carrie is right. if you need to take a step back do so but i do think you should at least talk to her as two adults instead of mother and daughter at this point.
[Edited 7/11/06 14:21pm]

Hello sweetheart



First of all, thank you for being open and honest about the things you are going through. It will help other people, believe me, I know. It sounds to me like you are reaching a fork in the road, a turning point, and you are in the process of actualizing your own realizations.

Here is something for consideration. How about you just let it all out in writing. Writing about your feelings will 1-be very cathartic and 2-help you to focus exactly on the things you need/want. How about then taking that and giving it to your mother, with the disclaimer that you have put it all out there so that you can move on and into a different place in your life. If you so decide, your mother can move there with you if she wants to. If that is not what you want, you will have explained your decision fully and no longer have to wonder or worry about this being a loose end in your life.

You know I am always here for when you need or want to talk about things. We share many similarities in our life struggle and I respect the fact that you are committed to working on your healing. I love you Julie

Freespirit said:

i dont know how to answer you sweetie i was put into care from being 6years old as my mother didnt like the fact that i was a daddys girl .and left my remaining sisters and brother at home .she has been so evil through my years .having me back home when she wanted we were left with no food i had to beg the neihbours for bread anything as i grew up i was made award of court as i no longer wanted to go back home with her she was evil to me .we dont live very far apart now but do see her passing i WILL NEVER forgive her for what she has done to me taking my childhood away .i now have a family and now im a gran .how can any one call themselves a mother you have a child to love and care for and watch them grow up ...sorry im so bitter my mother is in her 60s now i will never see her as a mother .....i feel for you honey but only you will have to find the answers .....take care all the best in what you do

My daughter is going throught this very thing, on some levels, with her dad.

Sometimes its letting go of traditional relationships and forging something new. In your heart, she isn't your mother but she is someone that wants to be a part of your life. You first need to step back and heal yourself as some have stated. It would only be an angry, upsetting relationship if you still have so many strong feelings about this.

Heal yourself. As you stated, sometimes its changing the way you look at things that changes everything. You're not looking for a mother but for the woman who was allowed to give birth to you. For whatever reason, she was the one God chose to give birth to you so there's a great reason for it.


you will be fine. All things work together for good.

Rhondab said:

i think that you should make contact with her because she's your mother. she may not have raised you and she may not have been the best mother but she brought you into this world and seems to want to have some kind of connection with you.

How close you get or what level of contact you maintain is ultimately up to you and you can only do what you are comfortable with.



But she is 62, she's been through/is going through a great deal physically and emotionally (at least that is how it sounds) and you don't know how much longer she will be alive.

So make contact with her and form as much of a positive relationship with her as you are able. When she finally does leave this world, you don't want to be left wondering about what could have been. Call your mother and try and be as strong as you are able.

they say you only get one mother i would of forgive mine if she was any kind of mother to love

this may sound odd ... who knows really

everything you are today in this moment
all things you love and dislike in yourself and in your life at this time

is a branch off of the energy your bio-mom gave or withheld from you

( yes along with EVERY other thing / person you exchanged with in your life time )

everything happens for our highest good ...though we may have pain and not understand

are you greatful for who and what you are now ...

maybe going into reconnecting with her you could share / show how thankful you are for all she didnt do and all she did do

her path / choices showed you a light within yourself that attracted you into not being like her




i dunno

Hi Sweety,

you're thread has really touched me. I wish I had answers for you. I just believe that whatever you decide is going to be the right thing. It'll be the right thing for you. If you decide to meet with her take someone along for support. You don't have to do it all yourself. If it comes down to helping your mom monetarily or otherwise, I hope you have support.

I really wish you luck and love in all of this. I hope that what I said wasn't rubbish.


M

Why in the world are you posting such intimate and personal details of your LIFE online?

DexMSR said:

WHAP!

Because she has friends here who love her

I love you, Julie...

and as others have said...only you can make this decision, but just remember that you are no longer three years old and she can't abuse you anymore. As an adult, everything you do now is on your own terms.

applekisses said:

OUCH....still not necessarily needed to be in public view....OUCH!!!


Grrrrr.....

WHAP!!!

DexMSR said:

I did and it helped both me and others. Stuff like this should not be discounted

I mean...I could post how I would Fuck Jessica Rabbit but I don't.....

DexMSR said:

Well, like Supa said...talking about these things in the open is theraputic in itself. It takes the shame away...and that's very important.

DexMSR said:

You should! You think any of us would complain?

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Whap!!!

cubic61052 said:

I have read every single word here... and yes, sharing/disclosing (lifelong struggles) can and has been therapuetic as well as answering in many ways for me. Whether it be journaling, verbally sharing with someone who is facing similar challenges, or simply to share my life challenges. Most moments, in which I have chosen to share, seem appropriate for me.

This is very personal, yet... don't doubt for one second I did not think carefully and cautiously before posting this here publicly.

Life is very calm for me, all is well... and this is one of the few challenges I still face to this day. Growth is highly important to me... forgiveness... omg, is something I have had to find through my own life trials and mistakes.

Contacting my mother or allowing her into my life... would involve opening a can of worms, sort of speak. There is so much more to this story... so many more people that will come along with such a contact. The struggle I face... how can I keep a peaceful distance, yet still be open to communicating with my mother (whatever it may bring), before she is no longer here.

If anyone has lived this sense of realness in knowing... "Every second could be our last"... let's just say, I live with this constant awareness. This..., this situation has been the essence of who I am today. Most definitely.

I am not angry with my mother anymore. Was I angry... well if saying I was like a mild bomb waiting to explode... I would say yes.

Am I shameful (?), no... not anymore... if by sharing a struggle (one in which has been an eternity for me) can help another soul in any way (make a connection)... while at the same time... relieve my questioning by releasing it, then by all means...

I simply decided to share today, because it has been an answer I have seeked all my life.

~~~
My aunt called me last night, my Great Aunt (the mother who raised me). She gave me my biological mother's number. I wrote it down... (she knows of my choice to keep my distance), and no I hardly agree with my Great Aunts way of thinking. However, she quickly mentioned.... just in case your Aunt (my mothers sister) calls, let her know your mother has changed her number.

So as I walk pass my white board on the fridge.... my question whether or not to call... is quite active.

Never have I written down what I have typed here today (not quite in this manner)... has it been freeing to release it no matter the private/personal content that it entails. !

If there has been a moment that has taught me the greatest lesson, I must say it has been Communication 101 early on in College. An assignment which put me in a situation where I had to share the truth about my family for the first time, in public.... in front of complete strangers. I was sick to talk about it, openly... it felt like the worst day of my life.... yet it was probably one of my best. Since then... talking about my past, when it fits a moment has become easier. Sometimes, like today.... I will just sit down and throw it out, to rid of something that has seemingly weighed me down... when I no longer wish to carry the weight.

Done.

I am going to call my mother... I have made a decision. Reading your words... truly has helped me feel more at ease with moving forward with this, instead of living with this pressure of thought.

Thank you.
[Edited 7/11/06 19:25pm]

brownsugar said:

Double that and a for good measure

Mach said:

Julie, there is a lot of wisdom here. I think reckoning with this relationship can only bring good to you. So much of your own struggles stem from this broken relationship and what your bio mother did or did not do for you. My love, thoughts and prayers are with u, as always.

CHRIS

madartista said:

Indeed truth.....
Karen