THIS HAD ME IN STITCHES...

Apologies if it's been posted already.



Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We all know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order aretrademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

If you shaved off Chuck Norris' beard, you would find a tatoo of an identical beard underneath


MR T


Mr. T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr. T in the chest. The result was the 80's.

Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.

Mr. T does not get headaches. That's it... that's the whole joke. He just doesn't get them.

Mr. T destroyed the periodic table, saying Mr. T. only recognizes the element of surprise.

Mr. T scared the black out of Michael Jackson.

Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.

Mr T once punched his way back to the 80's just to kill Richard Simmonds

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

Children are afraid of the dark. Dark is afraid of Mr. T.

The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.

Mr. T recently opened a Psychic hotline, one in which he takes every call. No matter the question he is asked, he gives only one response: "My prediction? Pain." He then goes out and personally pummels each caller witin an inch of their life, because Mr. T can never be wrong.

Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Mr. T has three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.

Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.

Mr. T is capable of spontaneously creating life. Once, while flexing, parts of each of his biceps broke off and created Emmanuel Lewis and Gary Coleman

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

Mr. T walked in front of a speeding bus. Needless to say, he was charged with 7 counts of manslaughter.

Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Mr. T can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.

Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Mr. T once bit off more than he could chew. He ate it anyway.

Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occurred next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.

All of the gold in Fort Knox is fake. The U.S.'s actual treasury is chains worn by Mr. T around his neck.

Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.

All i have to do is pull this lever...

sinisterpentatonic said:

Pull!

sinisterpentatonic said:

that was hilarious!

cborgman said:

An airplane crashed here..

sinisterpentatonic said:

my fave was the kid jumping and the guy deliberatly not catching

cborgman said:

yeah...i liked that one too and the one where Chuck gets shot right after he proposes.

sinisterpentatonic said:

makes me wanna break my no tv rule to watch conan