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PrintableMy husband and I never fight, argue or communicate really. We started out as friends- we had similar personalities. We are both shy quiet ppl- we have never really complimented one another. I guess we had some passion when we first got together but it did not last. He was a complete opposite from my ex so I thought he was good for me. He represents safety and security but lack many other qualities that I feel I need in a man. we have been to therapy together and the therapist says she cannot figure out how we ended up together much less stayed together this long. Well- it is because we do not fight and we live together as room mates well. We are both laid back creatures.
I am just trying to figure out how long I can live like this- feels like we are living in limbo. Through years of not connecting on a deeper lever- I have lost most of my romantic feelings towards him. He has never been affectionate and I thought I could live without that in my life. I guess I have stayed out of fear of being alone or financial reasons. part of me has stayed because I am his first love and I do not want to break his heart. Part of me feels like I do not deserve to be loved in the ways I long to be loved so I should just stay. | |
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shanti0608 said: My husband and I never fight, argue or communicate really. We started out as friends- we had similar personalities. We are both shy quiet ppl- we have never really complimented one another. I guess we had some passion when we first got together but it did not last. He was a complete opposite from my ex so I thought he was good for me. He represents safety and security but lack many other qualities that I feel I need in a man. we have been to therapy together and the therapist says she cannot figure out how we ended up together much less stayed together this long. Well- it is because we do not fight and we live together as room mates well. We are both laid back creatures.
I am just trying to figure out how long I can live like this- feels like we are living in limbo. Through years of not connecting on a deeper lever- I have lost most of my romantic feelings towards him. He has never been affectionate and I thought I could live without that in my life. I guess I have stayed out of fear of being alone or financial reasons. part of me has stayed because I am his first love and I do not want to break his heart. Part of me feels like I do not deserve to be loved in the ways I long to be loved so I should just stay.   | |
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By the way...
shanti0608 said: ...the therapist says she cannot figure out how we ended up together much less stayed together this long.
Our counselor told us the exact same thing...she said that if we had gone to her for counseling before we were married and asked her advice, she would have told us not to get married. | |
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shanti0608 said: My husband and I never fight, argue or communicate really. We started out as friends- we had similar personalities. We are both shy quiet ppl- we have never really complimented one another. I guess we had some passion when we first got together but it did not last. He was a complete opposite from my ex so I thought he was good for me. He represents safety and security but lack many other qualities that I feel I need in a man. we have been to therapy together and the therapist says she cannot figure out how we ended up together much less stayed together this long. Well- it is because we do not fight and we live together as room mates well. We are both laid back creatures.
I am just trying to figure out how long I can live like this- feels like we are living in limbo. Through years of not connecting on a deeper lever- I have lost most of my romantic feelings towards him. He has never been affectionate and I thought I could live without that in my life. I guess I have stayed out of fear of being alone or financial reasons. part of me has stayed because I am his first love and I do not want to break his heart. Part of me feels like I do not deserve to be loved in the ways I long to be loved so I should just stay. That's so sad.  | |
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Byron said: Mach said:  98 % ?
so in your mind is there a list ( so to speak ) of wrong reasons ... that you might share ? and is that 98% for the wrong reasons just your personal view, like the reason so and so got married is wrong ( to you ) what then would the 2 % right reasons be to you ? "Wrong" reasons: fear, lonliness, insecurity, "I'm expected to", "I want a child", financial security, wanting someone to meet your needs for you, looking for a "father figure", looking for a "mother figure", to avoid issues in your life at the time, to "escape", boredom, an obsessive need for "safety", afraid to say no, afraid you won't get anyone "better", feeling you don't deserve anyone "better" (low self esteem), confusion, they're really good in bed, "I could do worse"...and on and on. "Right" reasons: a combination of true love, effortless connection, a feeling while together that is unsurpassed, their presence brings you emotional and spiritual peace, viewing life through the same eyes, a natural friendship existing at the relationship's core, you cause each other to be your better selves without trying... Insecurities drive our actions far more than we ever want to realize or acknowledge. true ... i dont feel i married for reasons listed in your 98 % though | |
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Byron said: Mach said: so in your mind is there a list ( so to speak ) of wrong reasons ... that you might share ?
"Wrong" reasons: fear, lonliness, insecurity, "I'm expected to", "I want a child", financial security, wanting someone to meet your needs for you, looking for a "father figure", looking for a "mother figure", to avoid issues in your life at the time, to "escape", boredom, an obsessive need for "safety", afraid to say no, afraid you won't get anyone "better", feeling you don't deserve anyone "better" (low self esteem), confusion, they're really good in bed, "I could do worse"...and on and on. Byron steps up to the plate in a big way!  I would second all of those.[Edited 6/25/06 15:52pm] | |
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ufoclub said: I think you should marry the one that is like your best friend but still makes you a bit hot under the collar...
also similar senses of humor indicates a lot. Marriage is a job, not a vacation, and it can be a fun fulfilling job. but what do I know? I'm still single.  What he said. 'Course, I'm still single, too... | |
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JasmineFire said: luv4all7 said: How should you pick a partner?
Everyone obviously fights and has disagreements.....but how often would u say is unhealthy? Name calling.....I'm sure it's normal for spouses to call eachother dumbass, and all that stuff.....but when does name calling go to far.....when does it cross the line? I know there is such a thing as a happy marraige, how do you think it is acheived? Is it acheivable over time, if UR not happy in the begining? Name calling is strictly forbidden. It is so disrespectful and I don;t tolerate it. I am not married although I probably could be  and it wouldn't be a good thing. Anyway, my aunt, who married later in life, gave me advice about marriage that I think is good advice because out of all of my family on that side, she is the only one who never got divorced.
She told me that I should only marry a man who i feel completely comfortable with. Marriage is a very intimate partnership and you shouldn't enter it with someone who you have to hide certain aspects of your personality from. You and your partner should also have a great deal of respect for one another, as well since you cannot build a lasting and loving relationsip without a solid foundation of respect. My aunt had many marriage proposals throughout her life but she never settled for what was in front of her merely because society thought that it was the right time for her to get married. She waited until she met the right man and it was well worth the wait for her. I'm trying to apply her advice to my current situation and I hope that I can make the right choice when the time comes. Thanks for that. I appreciate her story. | |
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i'm excited for my turn down the aisle..
i'm also excited knowing that i know who i'm marrying... 
i can't wait to marry Chris...  | |
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SammiJ said: i'm excited for my turn down the aisle..
i'm also excited knowing that i know who i'm marrying...
i can't wait to marry Chris... That's how it should be!  | |
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Last night, I went out to dinner with an old friend, her husband and her parents.
Her mother paid me the ultimate compliment a few years ago, before my friend met her now-husband. She said, remarking upon my then-latest breakup, said: "Maybe it's time for you to start dating a friend." I was shocked, and her husband laughed at my polite response to the negative. Well, last night, as we were saying our goodbyes, her mother said: "I'm sure God has a woman for you. You'll find her .... ... unless, of course, He doesn't and He wants you to be single." Today, I was joking with my dad about how cold-blooded that was. I was like: "Now that her daughter's married off and she has no use for me, she couldn't care less about me becoming happily married!"  He rolled. | |
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The woman should make you pop a boner if you intend on spending lots of time with her. You have to physically attracted. Or the rest won't work. | |
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Spats said: The woman should make you pop a boner if you intend on spending lots of time with her. You have to physically attracted. Or the rest won't work.
I remember this one dude in college would jack off, and if he still wanted to hang out with the girl in his mind, he would say she was datable.  My art book: http://www.lulu.com/spotl...ecomicskid
VIDEO WORK: http://sharadkantpatel.com MUSIC: https://soundcloud.com/ufoclub1977 | |
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JustErin said: shanti0608 said: My husband and I never fight, argue or communicate really. We started out as friends- we had similar personalities. We are both shy quiet ppl- we have never really complimented one another. I guess we had some passion when we first got together but it did not last. He was a complete opposite from my ex so I thought he was good for me. He represents safety and security but lack many other qualities that I feel I need in a man. we have been to therapy together and the therapist says she cannot figure out how we ended up together much less stayed together this long. Well- it is because we do not fight and we live together as room mates well. We are both laid back creatures.
I am just trying to figure out how long I can live like this- feels like we are living in limbo. Through years of not connecting on a deeper lever- I have lost most of my romantic feelings towards him. He has never been affectionate and I thought I could live without that in my life. I guess I have stayed out of fear of being alone or financial reasons. part of me has stayed because I am his first love and I do not want to break his heart. Part of me feels like I do not deserve to be loved in the ways I long to be loved so I should just stay. That's so sad. I fear I might be like this guy..... but maybe not with the right girl. I hope. My art book: http://www.lulu.com/spotl...ecomicskid
VIDEO WORK: http://sharadkantpatel.com MUSIC: https://soundcloud.com/ufoclub1977 | |
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ufoclub said: Spats said: The woman should make you pop a boner if you intend on spending lots of time with her. You have to physically attracted. Or the rest won't work.
I remember this one dude in college would jack off, and if he still wanted to hang out with the girl in his mind, he would say she was datable. | |
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Analyse all you want people... Two people truly don't know what is in store until they have lived it, unfolding day by day, minute by minute. Sure we learn along the way, but nothing can truly prepare us 100% for what comes next, or the next... Every situation is so unique and anything can happen in a blink of an eye.
"How cautious should I be, how long can I live like this, do I want to live like this... and fuck it, take a chance." Everything in life develops consequences, everything. In the meantime... I for one, am trying eHarmony and in a couple of months, maybe Speed Dating.  What the heck. ~Smile.
It is good to try a system where other people are single and wanting to date or find a partner too. Plus it is a weeding system, free of intimate commitment or expectations. Thank God. Ps~ Name calling... no way, even from myself. I was in a loooonnggggg relationship, more than 13 years and married. There can exist a mutual sense of respect most definitely... although there is always that nearby line that can always be crossed. If crossed, you can never truly return... no matter how much you wish to get back. Pss~ Without a sense of Chemistry... it's like living in hell, no matter how positive the environment is in all other ways. | |
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ThreadBare said: Last night, I went out to dinner with an old friend, her husband and her parents.
Her mother paid me the ultimate compliment a few years ago, before my friend met her now-husband. She said, remarking upon my then-latest breakup, said: "Maybe it's time for you to start dating a friend." I was shocked, and her husband laughed at my polite response to the negative. Well, last night, as we were saying our goodbyes, her mother said: "I'm sure God has a woman for you. You'll find her .... ... unless, of course, He doesn't and He wants you to be single." Today, I was joking with my dad about how cold-blooded that was. I was like: "Now that her daughter's married off and she has no use for me, she couldn't care less about me becoming happily married!" He rolled.Date a friend? Most people don't have good friends they want to nail.I would advise against this. | |
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Spats said: The woman should make you pop a boner if you intend on spending lots of time with her. You have to physically attracted. Or the rest won't work.
You are absolutely right Spats. | |
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ufoclub said: JustErin said: That's so sad. I fear I might be like this guy..... but maybe not with the right girl. I hope. Like him in what way?? Shy? Not affectionate? | |
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JustErin said: ufoclub said: I fear I might be like this guy..... but maybe not with the right girl. I hope. Like him in what way?? Shy? Not affectionate? The sad part is my husband never recognized that there was anything wrong. He does not know any different or any better. | |
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shanti0608 said: JustErin said: Like him in what way?? Shy? Not affectionate? The sad part is my husband never recognized that there was anything wrong. He does not know any different or any better. I'm not an overly affectionate person but I could never be in a loveless or sexless relationship. | |
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JustErin said: shanti0608 said: The sad part is my husband never recognized that there was anything wrong. He does not know any different or any better. I'm not an overly affectionate person but I could never be in a loveless or sexless relationship. I am not a very affectionate person either unless i want sacktime. Sounds bad but it is true. But i can't imagine not having sacktime with the girl i am involved with. I would be out of there. | |
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JustErin said: shanti0608 said: The sad part is my husband never recognized that there was anything wrong. He does not know any different or any better. I'm not an overly affectionate person but I could never be in a loveless or sexless relationship. It is tough.. when I mentioned to him that I have lost interest in sex (with him) he said it was ok- his sex drive has decreased and he could live without it if we could just stay together. The thing is - I am not happy living without it... We do have 10 yrs invested together - a house, dogs... it is a lot to just walk away from.. [Edited 6/25/06 20:53pm] | |
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Mach said: Byron said: "Wrong" reasons: fear, lonliness, insecurity, "I'm expected to", "I want a child", financial security, wanting someone to meet your needs for you, looking for a "father figure", looking for a "mother figure", to avoid issues in your life at the time, to "escape", boredom, an obsessive need for "safety", afraid to say no, afraid you won't get anyone "better", feeling you don't deserve anyone "better" (low self esteem), confusion, they're really good in bed, "I could do worse"...and on and on. "Right" reasons: a combination of true love, effortless connection, a feeling while together that is unsurpassed, their presence brings you emotional and spiritual peace, viewing life through the same eyes, a natural friendship existing at the relationship's core, you cause each other to be your better selves without trying... Insecurities drive our actions far more than we ever want to realize or acknowledge. true ... i dont feel i married for reasons listed in your 98 % though That...I already knew. *smile* | |
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shanti0608 said: JustErin said: I'm not an overly affectionate person but I could never be in a loveless or sexless relationship. It is tough.. when I mentioned to him that I have lost interest in sex (with him) he said it was ok- his sex drive has decreased and he could live without it if we could just stay together. The thing is - I am not happy living without it... We do have 10 yrs invested together - a house, dogs... it is a lot to just walk away from.. [Edited 6/25/06 20:53pm] This is why I am not interested in getting married...ever. I'll probably live with someone again, but it is important for us to maintain our own lives in every way...including financial. Maybe that's too much to ask of someone...I dunno. | |
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JustErin said: shanti0608 said: It is tough.. when I mentioned to him that I have lost interest in sex (with him) he said it was ok- his sex drive has decreased and he could live without it if we could just stay together. The thing is - I am not happy living without it... We do have 10 yrs invested together - a house, dogs... it is a lot to just walk away from.. [Edited 6/25/06 20:53pm] This is why I am not interested in getting married...ever. I'll probably live with someone again, but it is important for us to maintain our own lives in every way...including financial. Maybe that's too much to ask of someone...I dunno. It seems to be too much to ask of women. The majority want marriage and kids. You can't live your own life and be independant and be free and do whatever you want if you are married. Married folks will deny this up and down and claim they don't mind but it's sad and true. | |
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That's Kids not marrage.
 News: Prince pulls his head out his ass in the last moment.
Bad News: Prince wasted too much quality time doing so. You have those internalized issues because you want to, you like to, stop. | |
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Spats said: JustErin said: This is why I am not interested in getting married...ever. I'll probably live with someone again, but it is important for us to maintain our own lives in every way...including financial. Maybe that's too much to ask of someone...I dunno. It seems to be too much to ask of women. The majority want marriage and kids. You can't live your own life and be independant and be free and do whatever you want if you are married. Married folks will deny this up and down and claim they don't mind but it's sad and true. Well, I don't really care about what other women want or what married folk have to say. Their lives have nothing to do with mine. They can live their lives any way they want and I'll live mine the way I see fit. I just know what I want and I know that I am not willing to settle for anything less. If that means that I am asking for too much and I do not have another serious relationship, so be it. | |
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MickG said: That's Kids not marrage.
Dude can't even spell MARRIAGE. | |
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Spats said: ThreadBare said: Last night, I went out to dinner with an old friend, her husband and her parents.
Her mother paid me the ultimate compliment a few years ago, before my friend met her now-husband. She said, remarking upon my then-latest breakup, said: "Maybe it's time for you to start dating a friend." I was shocked, and her husband laughed at my polite response to the negative. Well, last night, as we were saying our goodbyes, her mother said: "I'm sure God has a woman for you. You'll find her .... ... unless, of course, He doesn't and He wants you to be single." Today, I was joking with my dad about how cold-blooded that was. I was like: "Now that her daughter's married off and she has no use for me, she couldn't care less about me becoming happily married!" He rolled.Date a friend? Most people don't have good friends they want to nail.I would advise against this. Please, Spats, dear chum, don't advise me in this arena. Thanks.  | |
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