How should you pick a partner?

Everyone obviously fights and has disagreements.....but how often would u say is unhealthy?

Name calling.....I'm sure it's normal for spouses to call eachother dumbass, and all that stuff.....but when does name calling go to far.....when does it cross the line?

I know there is such a thing as a happy marraige, how do you think it is acheived?

Is it acheivable over time, if UR not happy in the begining?

If you're not at least happy in the beginning you're fucked

I think that people should "pick" partners that compliment them, not someone that they think will complete them. I think too many people make the mistake of trying to fill whatever void they have with a relationship.

I do not believe in marriage. Long term commitment, yes. Marriage, no.

Disagreements are normal, but all out fighting and name calling is not. I simply do not yell or name call when a disagreement arises. It's so juvenille to me.

I also believe that not happy in the beginning means you will never be happy.

JustErin said:

Okay, so say u did believe in marraige.....what if your happy in the beginning.....when times are good they're REAL good, but when they're bad, they're insanely BAD?

I think you should marry the one that is like your best friend but still makes you a bit hot under the collar...

also similar senses of humor indicates a lot.

Marriage is a job, not a vacation, and it can be a fun fulfilling job.

but what do I know? I'm still single.

ufoclub said:

No UR rite 'bout the best friend thing. But like u said, they also have to be able to make you hot!

luv4all7 said:

Name calling is strictly forbidden. It is so disrespectful and I don;t tolerate it.

I am not married although I probably could be and it wouldn't be a good thing. Anyway, my aunt, who married later in life, gave me advice about marriage that I think is good advice because out of all of my family on that side, she is the only one who never got divorced.

She told me that I should only marry a man who i feel completely comfortable with. Marriage is a very intimate partnership and you shouldn't enter it with someone who you have to hide certain aspects of your personality from. You and your partner should also have a great deal of respect for one another, as well since you cannot build a lasting and loving relationsip without a solid foundation of respect.

My aunt had many marriage proposals throughout her life but she never settled for what was in front of her merely because society thought that it was the right time for her to get married. She waited until she met the right man and it was well worth the wait for her.

I'm trying to apply her advice to my current situation and I hope that I can make the right choice when the time comes.

luv4all7 said:

sorry gurl ... or maybe not .. we SHOULD think about partnerships

my man and I ...together 20 yrs ... do not fight we do have disagreements, though not often and it is our intention to not make it into drama when it happens ... we happily agree to disagree

negitive name calling goes to far for me the 1st time it happens ... i can honestly say that we have never called each other names and it is our intentions to keep it that way

a happy partnership for me ... is about honesty and growing together in love

it's about setting mutual intentions and working toward that together and acepting change with grace

ANYTHING you desire to achieve is acheivable ... in partnerships it has to be desired by both and worked towards

See, I don't know. When times get tough, I just think, it's not really our decision

Read my sig.....

luv4all7 said:

Extremes are something that I tend to try and stay away from. I'm not a teenager anymore and I just do not have the tolerance for such highs and lows. That's not to say that I like a mundane, monotone life. I'm just not wanting a relationship that's so good but also so bad.

If I was in a marriage like the one you explained I would get a divorce.

Mach said:

you sound a lot like my aunt. i may orgnote you in the future with questions, if that is okay.

JustErin said:

Out of curiousity Erin, have U ever been married?

JasmineFire said:

feel free anytime

luv4all7 said:

No.

My upcoming marriage to Jersey will be my first.

Now I am the one that is curious, why do you ask?

luv4all7 said:

i understand ...

though i believe we DO have the power that divinity gave us to co create our lives along side him/her/spirit whatever

especially when times are tough

Mach said:

yes.

not to harp on my aunt or anything but she was a very Christian woman if she was anything. My understanding of her philosophy, which she explained to me, was that God gives you the power to create your situation and you can chose to use that power or not. If she had waited for her situation to change, she wouldn't have become that great woman that she was. She used the power that God gave her to create the life that she wanted. He set limitations and she accepted them but those limitations were not ones that included remaining in unhealthy and unhappy situations.

God has the ultimate say but only you can create your life, he will not do that for you.

JustErin said:

You better behave or your ass is going back to the great white north.

JustErin said:

Just wondering is all.

You said if you were in a situation as described U would get a divorce, and I was curious, because you used the word pretty loosely.

jerseykrs said:

Yes daddy.

JasmineFire said:

I agree, but I feel I am where I am cuz God has a reason behind it.

My own view is that 98% of people (in the U.S. at least) get married for the wrong reasons...hell, most people get into romantic relationships of any kind for the wrong reasons...and those "wrong reasons" end up manifesting themselves in the marriage in all sorts of ways.

Once there, we basically have to determine one of two things: whether to stay within the commitment and try to work towards making it one in which you both feel sincerely emotionally content, fulfilled and satisfied...or whether to end it and work towards doing so in as respectful and positive a manner as humanly possible. Unfortunately, 98% of us make our choice for the wrong reasons and go about that in the wrong ways as well ...I tried the former, mostly in the wrong ways and for the wrong reasons...didn't work. I did the latter, and feel as if we were very successful at respecting, honoring and showing love towards one another as we started a new phase of our lives separately.

luv4all7 said:

I just do not believe in choosing to suffer in something that causes hurt or pain, especially if there are children involved.

I've never been married, but I have been in a long term serious relationship. I have a child with someone that is not a good match for me and for that reason we are no longer together. I do not believe in trying to work it out for the sake of your kids. That just doesn't work, imo and you are just transfering your problems onto your kids.

"You" means in general, btw.

I also do not buy this "God's plan" stuff, but I will bow out on that topic right now.

JustErin said:

Yeah, i 'm not lookin' to debate ya Hon, or anyone else. That's just what *I* believe, and was curious of how others feel.

Byron said:

98 % ?

so in your mind is there a list ( so to speak ) of wrong reasons ... that you might share ?

and is that 98% for the wrong reasons just your personal view, like the reason so and so got married is wrong ( to you )

what then would the 2 % right reasons be to you ?

Mach said:

"Wrong" reasons: fear, lonliness, insecurity, "I'm expected to", "I want a child", financial security, wanting someone to meet your needs for you, looking for a "father figure", looking for a "mother figure", to avoid issues in your life at the time, to "escape", boredom, an obsessive need for "safety", afraid to say no, afraid you won't get anyone "better", feeling you don't deserve anyone "better" (low self esteem), confusion, they're really good in bed, "I could do worse"...and on and on.

"Right" reasons: a combination of true love, effortless connection, a feeling while together that is unsurpassed, their presence brings you emotional and spiritual peace, viewing life through the same eyes, a natural friendship existing at the relationship's core, you cause each other to be your better selves without trying...

Insecurities drive our actions far more than we ever want to realize or acknowledge.

Byron said:

This is very true.

And the rightousness award goes to...

Byron.

It's truly refreshing to see.

Byron said:

Byron said:

MickG said:

And where's your Mr. Smarty Pants comments to add to the thread?????

luv4all7 said:

I'm special in several ways. My marrage was ordained by god. As a child and a youth I would have dreams of my wife, actual realistic dreams, so I knew here well by the time we did meet.

As for others, I believe in the sancatity of marriage. It's a useless thing trying to give others marrage advice. I've learned this. So thus, there's no point in my responding to a thread like this one.

Sometimes, I respond to a thread just by aproving of something I read.

happy marriage is achieved through honest communication and respect