I had this friend who was an absolute monster in this regard. Like has been said several times in this thread already, we all play the victim at times, but she had a tendecy to be a complete, condescending twat about it.

I remember one night she was complaining about her ex-boyfriend for about the 1000th time, probably about six months after the damn thing ended. I gave a well intentioned "I'm sorry, I just really don't know what to tell you anymore" reply and I guess my exhaustion with the subject was appearent in my voice, because she then took the initiative to start screaming at me.

"Oh, I'm so fucking sorry I had the gall to bring up one of my problems. You've never been in a two and a half year relationship, okay? So save your pathetic little quips for when you actually fucking understand at all what I'm going through. etc. etc. some crying and... done."

"Got anything left in there?" I replied.

"Fuck you... Asshole."

"Very good then. I'm gonna head home, okay? Call me if you ever cool off."

She apologized a few days later, but whenever I brought up my problems up I'd get "Well, at least you've never had someone break up with you after two and a half years." Every time. I probably could've told her my parents were murdered and gotten the same reply as ever.

We don't really talk any more, of course. Every now and again we have some sad attempt at a phone conversation filled with awkward silences, but that's about it. She was an okay friend when she wasn't borderline psychotic, but good riddance.
[Edited 6/23/06 0:47am]

HobbesLeCute said:

do I know u by any chance?

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

That - and Calhoun's entire post - are the comments I indentify with most.

I know several people who fit the description of 'victim' (in the sense you both mean). Some I've had to part company with - for their and my own benefit - and others I'm still very friendly with. But, like Calhoun says, I know some people who actually seem to thrive on their problems. And that's when it becomes an issue. Some people honestly love a bit of drama in their lives.

Of course, it goes without saying that everyone has ups and downs and everyone is entitled to feel exactly how they feel. No-one is denying that fact.

In my case, for a long time, I almost felt like 'Love me, love my depression'. I thought the two were inextricably linked, like you couldn't have one without the other. I thought it was impossible to know me without accepting that fact. Not that I was permanently depressed - far from it - but there were times in my life where I always felt like it would rear its' ugly head at any moment and that scared the living daylights out of me. I always feared being 'found out', so to speak.

I don't feel like that anymore. Am I prone to depression? Not at all. But I wouldn't say it'll never happen again. What beat it was genuinely thinking positively - trying to adopt a new way of thinking, by looking at things from a different angle. And taking personal responsibilty for my own actions. There's only so long you can kid yourself.

Thinking positively sounds so ridiculously simple that you'd think it could never work. What shocked me was that once you try thinking positively how ridiculously easy it is. Mind over matter. And everything just follows from there. (Not that it's that easy for everyone, of course).

I never traded on victim status with anyone but myself. There were things I had to face up to, accept and get over in my life. And, even only recently, I've realised that I'm still allowing aspects of my past to inform my current relationships (or lack of). It's an on-going process. The difference now is that I take responsibility for my own actions and I refuse to use the excuse of 'this/that happened years ago' as a means of justifying my behaviour. I'm an adult - I don't answer to anyone but myself.

So, yeah, these things take time and can involve some very painful discoveries but the end result is more than worth it.




I think Fridays are my 'I said too much' days but, hopefully, that makes sense to someone, somewhere.

sag10 - while it took me several paragraphs to say what I wanted, you say in a one line signature.

healing and growing are not impossible tasks

mental growth might slow like your metabolism but

still churns if you feed it correctly

AnotherLoverToo said:

actually i'm sometimes surprised by how well these people succeed in life. . ... the one person i know has someone who regularly rescues her from herself

I don't think "Playing the victim" has as much 2 do with complaining about life's problems a much as personal accountability. I have a few friends who go on and on about how they're all f**ked up bcuz "so-and-so did this 2 me" or "my (place significant other or family member here) was a total a**hole 2 me". I know their feelings r valid, but I'd love 2 ask them if they r responsible 4 anything in their own lives.

That, 2 me, is "playing the victim".

npgmaverick said:

totally agree.

there is very little that makes me more angry than seeing people use that as an excuse for murder/rape/whatever crime. it pisses me off, as someone who has survived molestation, it doesnt make you go commit crimes. and its fucking bullshit that people use it as a means of justifying their shitty behavior.

ugh. i HATE that.

onenitealone said:

It makes SO MUCH sense to me

Interesting how important "taking responsibility" has been for those who have moved from victimization to survivorhood

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said: