...my brother in law just rejecting his baby boy. My wife Mon's younger brother Uan got his young girlfriend Tik pregnant by accident just over 2 years ago and they had a beautiful baby boy, nicknamed Golf. Uan was never that close to his kid owing to him working long hours as a security guard at a hotel. Golf spent nearly all of his first 2 years in this house with his mum, grandparents, aunt and Mon and I. However, a few months ago his mum took him to stay with her at her parents' house a hundred kms away or so. His dad stayed here and worked and we all missed Golf greatly. Lately, his dad has been acting really strangely and for 3 or 4 days didn't come home and we had no idea where he was. Out of the blue little Golf came back here with his mum yesterday and it was such a joy to see him. He flung his arms around me and clung on to me like a koala bear. His dad, my brother in law, hardly ever shows him love and often shouts at him when he won't come to him for a cuddle. Today Uan finally came home and was completely indifferent towards his kid and his girlfriend. Golf is much closer to myself and his grandpa than he is to his father. Obviously he wants a father figure of some sort and he has attached himself more to me than his father. I feel bad when I see his father try to cuddle him and be ignored or rejected, but what can I do? I love this kid so much and I just want him to be surrounded by love. Everything points to Uan cheating on his girlfriend, in particular him not telling his girlfriend his new phone number, and the condoms in his wallet she found. I just want their boy to grow up in a good environment and can't stop loving him, but am I getting in the way of his relationship with his father by giving him so much attention and love? Uan's girlfriend is a nice enough girl, though very young and not as attractive as his previous girlfriends and I think he may well be cheating on her while she's at her parents' house. He's been in a weird place lately in his mind, I think, and today it all just came to a head. He doesn't want her or his boy around. I don't really know what to do. Mon and I just keep giving Golf love, take care of him, buy food for him, and have fun with him, but I just wish his father would start to show him more love and act like he wants him. What do you think I should do?

Here's Golf today playing in our room:

can you adopt him? what does Tik want to do?

ZombieKitten said:

Tik wants him. We wouldn't adopt him. His mum is not blameless in this though. After having the baby she stayed here and for the last years or two has basically been really lazy, not really taking care of Golf how she should, getting really fat, and even stealing money and stuff (mobile phones) from people in the house. Mon's father wanted to kick her out, but she stayed here and promised not to steal any more. We have always offered help and tried to make them see that they can come to us if things are really hard. Then she moved out with Golf and her boyfriend has begun acting weirdly. I think he's met someone else.

I paid for Golf's hospital fees, have given money, food and everything during the last couple of years. His father works hard but just doesn't seem to want the boy. His mum is lazy and frankly would drive me to look elsewhere for someone else to make me feel good if I were Uan. Apparenly now Golf will spend a month here with us and then a month with his mum at her parents' house. I don't know where this is all going to go, but it doesn't look good. He's the most precious little boy, so well behaved, and just deserves to be loved and not be surrounded by this drama.

poor thing. It would be nice for him to have someone constant in his life at such a young age.

just love him as much as you can.

be his father figure.

ZombieKitten said:

Before he did have constants. He had his mum here most of the time, myself, Mon, his grandparents. He was never without love. My mother in law has nothing at all and is physically less capable after having a stroke, but is the most remarkable woman I've ever met. She basically force feeds me all the time because she worries about me not eating enough, and likewise would never see Golf go without, even if it meant she would have to. Golf always got plenty of love, but not from his dad. Now he's pretty much moved away he doesn't get that, I think, as when he comes back here he's very skinny, and dark like he's been out in the sun too much. We'd all give him love but if he's not here we can't do that.

IrresistibleB1tch said:

Thank you. We'll do our best. I figure that no matter what happens we can't stop loving him. Mon's sister has bought all his clothes, we've paid his hospital fees, lent money to his parents that they've not been able to pay back, and Golf's mum has stolen money, food and mobile phones which she's pawned, but we've still tried to help them. I really hope they don't split but right now it doesn't look good at all. I have no idea what Uan is thinking, he seems preoccupied. He was never that close to Golf but it's just got worse. I don't want to take the role of his father, but how you stop giving love?

Fauxie said:

It must be absolutely heartbreaking to have no control over this situation and not have what's best for the child, which is so obvious to you because you love him

Fauxie...why don't you slap his ass around a bit...I have been known to slap sense in to people...lemme know if my services are needed there....

Heiress said:

We will, but how can I feel when his father goes to cuddle him and he pulls away? Golf runs into my arms and squeezes me tight. He understand my English as I've taught him many words. Mon and I sing 'I Can't Love U Anymore' and he laughs. I don't know how that started but it's something Mon sang to him as a baby and it's a connection we have with him that his father just doesn't have. It breaks my heart to see him turn away from his dad. It's like his dad just wasn't there from working so much and things got away from him, and now he's more likely to be resentful and raise his hand to the boy instead of trying to make things right. I think maybe he things it's hopeless now.

I agree with what else was said.....just continue to love the child...he needs that. One of my cousins is in a similar situation....she has a little girl who's 2 1/2 yr.s old by her ex-boyfriend who she doesn't talk to anymore. They didn't plan to have kids becasue they're too young and not ready for that. Her child looks exactly like the father, so she is constantly reminded of him daily. I remember how disappointed she seemed when she first had the baby and everyone was saying that the child was a carbon copy of her ex. She just doesn't seem proud of the child. I mean that's the vibe I get from her.

*he* (too early in the morning)
[Edited 6/8/06 5:47am]

pardonme4livin said:

Thai men are a strange bunch, truly. I couldn't explain, but they're not like anything I've encountered before, and I don't feel bad about possibly generalising. I can't empathise with Uan at all and it's hard to be his brother in law. He's very immature, despite being only a few months younger than me. He seems quite happy for his gf to go to her parents' house and take Golf with her. There's not much we can do about it, it seems. They'll always come back when they run out of money, though, as her parents' have even less than my wife's (and us of course).

AnckSuNamun said:

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm fortified by posts here to keep loving Golf and doing all I can for him. That has to be the most important thing, right? I just don't want to make things any harder for his father as far as being close to him. He and his gf were young too (he was 21, she was 18). She loves him, but I think maybe he's seeing greener pastures. I don't blame him, in some ways, but for the sake of the child I wish he'd at least make things a little clearer for them all and act like he wants to care for this child.

he looks happy in the pic.

oh goodness.



The little boy needs love from someone and for as natural as it seems to you, it's still wonderful to provide him with what you have been. I'm not sure what more you can do to make his father see his errors. Loving and nurturing a child (particularly one in your own family) is never, ever wrong.

CarrieMpls said:

I think you're right. We won't stop. This thread has strengthened my belief in that.

AnckSuNamun said:

I was playing Van Hunt, who he loves, and dancing like an idiot. That's why he's cracking up.

Fauxie said:

you know, that's his father's problem, one way or another... he's an adult, and he can work it out if he so desires. you are not responsible for his feelings or his life... the little one is helpless, not the dad. it's the kids we have to look after, ya know? at least he has a chance of not growing up like his dad... and for that matter, the dad's heart still has a chance to turn around.

Heiress said:

I know what you mean, but I feel sorry for him in the sense that after his child was born he was working hard and doing long hours to look after his girlfriend and kid and never really had enough time to see him and bond with him. His girlfriend, meanwhile, was pissing everyone off in the house by being lazy about cleaning up, helping out her mother in law, was stealing from us all, and generally not pulling her weight. Their room used to smell of urine when they were staying here, the area outside their room was just gross and I would clean it up, and she would often go out to buy squid or something expensive to eat yet Golf wouldn't have anything to eat. He would come in our room and gobble up bread like there was no tomorrow. He still does. In fact, he's here right now and my wife has just bought him some sausage to eat because he keeps going 'mum mum mum', which is what Thai children do when they're hungry. I feel for my brother in law because he's obviously thinking too much about the whole thing and needs a break, and yet he needs to try to turn this around, and fast.

Nick, when you choose to post serious topics and elaborate on the issue, I have to say, they are some of the best reads I see. You should do it more often. Don't accuse me of being gay now, that's Dan's spot.

Fauxie said:

Thai men are not all strange you ass.

Anyways, what Golf primarily needs is stability. Love is a wonderful thing, I wish that you two could shower him with it always, but what Gold needs beyond anything else is stability.
If Uan's gf living with her parents provides some form of stability--same house, same faces, some structure, it would suffice--though I am not sure what her parents would be like to the child.
I don't think there are any good options here outside of your adoption of the child, and even then--would that be what's best for the child?

I tend to be insanely active in the upbringing of my newphews, that that gawds, it's not for lack of my sister's or brother-in-laws attention to them. I couldn't imagine what I would do myself if I witness neglect.

jerseykrs said:

I dissagree completely. But I still like his writing style.

Imago said:

What the FUCK is up with your avatar?!?!

jerseykrs said:

Thanks. That means a lot coming from giant fuck up like yourself who posts serious threads once in a while.




But seriously, fuck up.

Imago said:

Dude, who are you to talk about Thai men? The only thing Thai about you is that you're inherently slightly gay.

But I agree with you about the rest of your post. I can't see the boy be unloved. I wouldn't know how to give less. I love him completely. He's not my blood but he's my family and I've been there since day one. I love him like he were my own, and he's been more than a typical nephew in the sense that he's lived with us for the first two years and we looked after him a lot of the time. And he likes Prince.

Whoops, I didn't actually read your entire post. We won't adopt him. When he's with his other grandparents he gets skinny and comes back blacker than the night like he's been running around in the sun all the time. I'm not sure what to do or say beyond loving him when he's here.

I love you somchai edit
[Edited 6/8/06 7:21am]

Fauxie said:

Fauxie...

I'm not gonna give advice because - as you're more aware than most - it's a very difficult situation. I'm sorry this is upsetting you.

All I know is that Golf is very, very lucky to have someone so thoughful and caring looking out for him. You don't have to feel this way and yet you do. I think that says a lot about you. You're a very nice guy.

I'm sure you and Mon just being there for them does more than you can imagine. I hope this manages to resolve itself soon and that you continue to have such a fantastic relationship with the little one.

Take care.

jerseykrs said:

I'd likely have said something really mushy and ever so slightly gay, but I'm trying to rescue the last vestiges of being mean. I admire you, but must confess I like you best when you have a black eye or are bitching about your ex and ghetto shit like that.

Fauxie said:

hahaha, this is the new and improved jersey. He doesn't give a shit about his ex anymore.