"Distilled from Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History by Charles M. Sevilla

These things were actually stated and recorded by court reporters."


Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.


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Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.


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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?


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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.


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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy."
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.


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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.


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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?


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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at the time?


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Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
Q: None.
A: Were there any girls?


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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


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Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?


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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


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Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.


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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Geezer, you've been a busy sparra' this mornin' ain't ya



This one had me,

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Counsel: And you are involved I take it in both aspects of pathology
here in your practice?
Witness: Yes. I am certified in both.
Counsel: Directing your attention to the 6th of November 1976, in the
evening hours, do you recall being up at Rose Chapel in Paradise?
Witness: Yes.
Counsel: Do you recall examining a person by the name of Rodney
Edgington at the funeral chapel?
Witness: Yes.
Counsel: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the
body of Mr. Edgington at the Rose Chapel?
Witness: It was the evening. The autopsy started at about 8:30 P.M.
Counsel: And Mr. Edgington was dead at that time, is that correct?
Witness: No, you dumb asshole. He was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy.

D.A.: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
Witness: It indicates intercourse.
D.A.: Male sperm?
Witness: That is the only kind I know.

Counsel: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Defense Counsel: So if I hit the prosecutor at this very moment and
he fell over the back of this railing, hit his head and a subdural
hematoma immediately began to form, the blood that was leaking into
the space would have essentially the same components as the blood
leaking into his teeny little brain?

The Court: In this case the request is made for the appointment of
the psychologist for the performance of an IQ test. The court does
not see the need for an IQ test since it appears to me that he is
dumber than a fencepost.
Counsel: Has the court started it in numerical terms?
The Court: His IQ is less than zero.

Counsel: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol
content?
Witness: I have a dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett-Packard
5710A with flame analyzation detectors.
The Court: Can you get that on mag wheels?
Witness: Only on the floor models.

Counsel: Now, in your report under "Foundation" you indicated that
there is a minimum of cracking and no signs of settling.
Witness: Yes.
Counsel: When you say there is a minimum of cracking, I take it that
you did find some cracking.
Witness: No. Because if I said there was no cracking, I would be in
court just like this answering some stupid lawyers' questions. So I
put minimum in there to cover myself, because somebody is going to
find a crack somewhere.
The Court: I could say I would like to shake your hand, but I won't.
Counsel: Move to strike --
The Court: No. We are not going to strike it.
Counsel: Move to strike the word "stupid," Your Honor.
The Court: The most appropriate word you want stricken? It is worth
the whole trial.

Defense counsel: The truth of the matter is that you are not an
unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the
fracas?
Witness: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the
naval.