...When I look back I'll be able to say
You didn't mean to be cruel
Somebody hurt you too

funny thing; life. even when you put forth the effort , it seems useless. You ask why?, how?, when?, where?...yet the answers never seem to come. How much more do we need to endure?

i began this year with a new job, a new attitude, a new vision and with what i felt was much promise. i had a profound feeling that finally the pieces would all fall into place. and that my exhausting attempts to grab that golden ring in life would finally pay off.

4 months into the job, after being promised management, a raise, and perhaps ownership, my 'boss' decides to show her true colour...the darkest shade of evil that makes Satan look like a childhood friend. for no other reason than to not pay me what i earned and am worth, or to grant me the medical benefits i deserved...she, in her own way 'put me on a leave'. with no reason or rhyme. shouldn't be a surprise, as i found out she had a history of this with every employee prior. i won't get into her remarks about every other race except her own, her pathetic need to self aggrandize. in the end, financially screwing me. which i am still dealing with. because i sort of saw it coming, i was not really shocked. but it was quite a blow to my bank account as i had just paid bills and had plans for this summer. all down the drain.

so i landed a job were i do about 1/4 the work i use to, get paid the same rate, a lot further (so gas prices don't help). there's already talk of a 'promotion' to another position. and benefits are offered. but again i must start over.

apparently God has a plan. but, what is it. what is this plan that i have been waiting for or trying to achieve on my own? why won't he answer me? i feel i always reach God's answering machine when i call.

so the struggle is greater yet i get up and on.
today, one of my sisters called around noon to let me know that not 1 but 2 of my great aunts have passed away. same day, within the same hour, yet both lived in 2 different areas. i remember them from when i was little,and they lived long lives. i believe one was 100+ years old and the other was driving well into her 90's. yes. driving a car. my father's aunts. his mother's sisters. so everyone except his niece and her 2 children are passed. i lost my grandmother and aunt (father's sis.) a few years ago. both two cancer. well one was believed to have passed because of neglect. but that's another story. my grandfather had past years ago as well. my mother has only a few siblings left. yet they're across the atlantic and we can't afford to see them, nor can they, us. her parents passed away way too young.

saddened yes..but not down.
hours later, she calls again to inform me that my father won't be attending the services because he is very ill. he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. we thought it was managed and things would be relatively ok. apparently not. it's back twice as bad. she said his face is emaciated. and has to go to the doctor's next week. but the sound of her voice was not promising this time.

i'm not sure what i am feeling. or why am i writing this. my father and i never really got along. just different people i guess. though instilling some really good values, it's hard to forget the physical abuse he did to my mother. (she's 4'11". he was in the military. you do the math.

and how he never allowed her to read or write.
the verbal and sometimes physical abuse done to me. needless to say, it had/has affected my life. many times i wished that he would've of never brought us to this country. that perhaps life would've been better, richer, happier. a smart man, a strong man, a 'war hero' a father. my worst enemy, my competitor, a killer of dreams, a father. i let that all go when i became an adult and felt it was up to him to make the changes in his life that he needed to, and that i felt he should. seeing him only a handful of times throughout my adulthood after my parents divorce. i always stuck with my mother. because i admire her strength, beauty, that force she carries within, even when her body is sore or feeling weak. how she raised children that never went hungry, not always angels, but never criminals or druggies. a woman who has worked everyday of her life from morning til night. a woman taken from her family and put through a hell worse than many could imagine and yet still gets up and goes about her day with the will of a raging bull and the grace of an angel. i think that's why i admire and respect women much more than i ever will a man. strong women. and they all seem to be short in stature. lol. but non the less strong women!

i don't know how soon it will be, or how i will feel or handle the time when my father is no longer on this earth. nor am i sure how i will support my family. maybe i am a failed man. maybe this is what i deserve. maybe just a big lesson.
who knows. my doctor said it's something i wouldn't have to worry about until i'm in my late 40's or 50's. if i reach that age. a bit fatalistic? maybe.. but i hope you'll give me that considering. and i wonder yet again if i will ever have the children i so terribly desire. would i be a good father?

so..life is funny. i sit her pondering my own fate. fearing illnesses and a demise that never happened. thinking my parents would outlast me. yet i am still here. loosing family, my best friend 2 years ago, financial ruin, if i'll have a home by the end of this month. i know there are less fortunate people in this world. but i also don't believe in comparing people' pains. we're all entitled to feel what we do when we do i suppose.

this is not a 'woe is me' story. yet more of a long question to God i guess.
why? what next? i've thought about death, even my death, every day of my life. not in a morbid sense, but as just that. a part of life. irony? so it's not a true fear...but the fear that i've accomplished nothing and i am still here.

not sure if any of this made sense to anyone but me. i just needed to let it out somewhere.





to my father.....




Madonna - "Oh Father"

It's funny that way, you can get used
To the tears and the pain
What a child will believe
You never loved me

You can't hurt me now
I got away from you, I never thought I would
You can't make me cry, you once had the power
I never felt so good about myself

Seems like yesterday
I lay down next to your boots and I prayed
For your anger to end
Oh Father I have sinned

Oh Father you never wanted to live that way
You never wanted to hurt me
Why am I running away

Maybe someday
When I look back I'll be able to say
You didn't mean to be cruel
Somebody hurt you too




thanks for reading.....i hope you've al ben well.

may God bless each and everyone one of you

[Edited 5/11/06 2:21am]

It makes perfect sense...

Some of what you wrote I can completely relate to...some of it I can't even imagine. The one thing that remains constant thru it all, I believe, is that faith always plays its powerful role, and that sincerity of word and deed help create a smoother path to wherever we desire to go.

We never know what's on the next page until we turn it...hang in there, my friend.

it's Natisse hon ...Chico I've not met you (yet ) but you are one of the most beautiful spirits I've had the honour of knowing here. you've been very, very missed I can promise you and whatever you've been through, are still or continue to go through both good and bad you know i'm here for you my friend

sending all the positive energy and love I can muster your way

Hey sweetie. i get what your saying

Chico, I've been trying to think of how I should respond to this and I can only echo what Byron and Nat have said already.

I think it does make perfect sense. And I don't think anyone will begrudge you for feeling this way at all. It sounds like you've gone through some difficult times lately. It's only natural that you'd ask questions of it.

I don't know if this will mean anything to you but, recently, Nat and I were talking and I said that - sometimes - I feel as if life is some big jigsaw puzzle that we're all trying to construct. In my case, I've sorted out all the edges and quickly making my way towards the middle. But, sometimes, I feel as if the picture that's appearing isn't quite what I was expecting. Or at least it doesn't resemble the one that was on the box. It can be confusing but it's just a case of adapting to it or putting more pieces together until it makes sense.

As Byron says, keep faith and stay strong. I think a lot of people will understand where you're coming from. And please don't burden yourself with this - we're all here to help.

Take care.

onenitealone said:

one piece at a time with the help of all the framily

I'm here if you want to talk about this, love.

I've been in a highly reflective mood lately also.

no advice, just admiring you for being strong enough to look at this so openly. remember, 'this too shall pass'

Upward, and onward, Chico.

God bless your Mother.

Chico,

my condolences to you. You seem to be as strong as your mother. Hang in there and keep your faith, he does answer. I'm sorry I'm not as articulate as everyone here, including yourself. But, I truly feel you and I'm sending out positive vibes to you and yours.

Miguel



p.s. You are going to be a great dad.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Chico. I know you are incredibly strong.

I still have my flower on my desk and am thinking abt you a lot. Stay strong and if you wanna talk you know how to find me

I'll have you in my prayers
[Edited 5/11/06 10:43am]

onenitealone said:

I was talking to a friend over the weekend and we were asking the "why's" and that movie Red Dawn popped into my head. And i thought life is exactly like that. One minute you're learning your school lessons and the next minute the Communists are landing in your schoolyard One minute you're just living your life, the next minute you are defending your life.

Chico, the things you are going through many can identify and relate. I have unresolved issues with my own father and that always seems to dominate my thoughts regarding my own healing. I'm sorry for the family who has passed and hope you can find peace within yourself. I admire you so much for the person you are. Loving, strong (yes, you are strong), independent and free. I have missed you very much. If you need to talk, I have open ears

chico things may feel a little crazy but when i read what you wrote i see a man who has taken control
and has a very balanced view of his reality. it is when we do not acknowledge the struggles we have faced that they gain power.

decide if your father were no longer alive if there were things that you had wanted to say.
i am guilty of not acting on this... there are a lot of things i would say to my parents but have not.
but the lyric you started your post with says so much.

i hope there was some catharsis in writing it all down. i would hazard to guess that you
have a lot of your strength from your mother... she sounds like an amazing soul.
as far as being a father i think those things come to us when we are ready for them
all we can do is keep our hearts open to the possibility.

i hope things go well in your new job and if not - that you find something even better

I have no idea what to say Chico...but

Chico

Sweetheart. . .

Oh, sweetie...

I've missed you.

Hang in there.

Chico, hang in there. You will make it through.

Chico...

It's horrible when life hands us so many horrible things to deal with at one time...but, you have to know that as quickly as they all happened...good things can happen too.

One thing at a time...and please don't give up hope...ever.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I've never seen that film but I completely relate to what you've said. And I especially relate to the father thing - something I'll never resolve, maybe.

Chico, you are much loved here so please don't feel alone. And I agree - you are a strong person; I've seen some of the things you've posted or used as signatures and they've completely blown me away. You may think people don't notice these things, but they do.

And as Emm says, I think you've taken control of this. Even if it doesn't feel like it. When life gets difficult sometimes, for me all it takes is the strength to control - and put into perspective - whatever it is that's troubling me. Is it me or is it the issue itself which is bigger? That's not to say that you're not facing very difficult and troubling issues but once you become bigger than the issue, you are in control of it. And I know you have the strength to overcome this.

Take care and please remember we're all here to listen.

I know you know... I love you, never lose sight of that in your

Julie

BeforeSunrise said:

BeforeSunrise said:

OMG -- Forgot that was u!

thank you very much for your kind words. they truly mean a lot to me.

CHIC0 said:

Your avatar is the cutest!