that was written all by myself. I'm actually quite proud of it and wanted to know every one's opinions of it. Please give me your honest opinions....Thanks

Here it is:

"The air is now calm and,

The trees are eloquently swaying due to the wind blowing so delicately over the wrinkled leaves and the healthy green grass.

There isn’t a marshmallow cloud in sight and the bright star-gazed Lily looks up in awe of how a peaceful high could be so natural.

The sky is radiant like a sweet smile, or a playful giggle.

The sun is lightly embracing its warm spirit over every living thing.

There is no stress, there is no pain, there is no worry and there is no sorrow.

You’d never know that not too long ago there was a great storm wreaking havoc all over the place.

The clouds slowly poured in like thick molasses, and the sky had become black like tar.

The wind sometimes twirled violently like a tornado, and other times made no movement at all, much like a dead calm.

The rain came blasting out of the skies like fireworks and the lightening struck with such a powerful force like a sharp pain in the back.

The sun abruptly left and it appeared that the storm would never break.

This storm was worst than any treacherous hurricane or an icy blizzard with snow topping 5 feet.

This storm tortured the precious Lily.

The petals started to crumble, due to all the rain that had poured.

And because of all of the fear from the wind, the pain from the lightening, and the distress caused by the constant rainfalls, the Lily found it hard to keep her stem up.

She often wondered if there would be a day where she would find a way to give her stem strength again, like she had done so many times in the past.

Unconsciously, that day finally came.

After a couple of months in agony, the Lily decided that she wasn’t going to let the agony keep eating away at her petals.

Instead of letting the rain hit her petals, she absorbed it for growth.

Instead of letting the lightening cause her pain and worry, she ignored it, and focused on how the other roses, tulips, mums and daffodils around her enjoyed her presence.

Instead of letting the wind give her fear, she embraced it, and recognized the beauty of being able to breathe clean air.

And all the while of changing her outlook of the storm, soon the rain began to let up, the wind had calmed down steadily, and the lightening disappeared into the heavens.

Before she knew it, the Lily’s stem was standing straight up and able to enjoy its natural nutrients that it needs to stay healthy.

She was ready for another sun to come out and grace her with its presence.

She found it important that it is not how bad the storm is, or trying to figure out how the storm began,

But to always realize what it is that you do to get past the storm is what makes your stem stronger.

Although, the storm had ended, she never forgot that the storm did exist, and through all of the tribulations that occurred during the storm, she learned from it and moved on.

The vibrant roses, the rainbow tulips, the pastel mums and the butterscotch daffodils glorified the Lily’s strength and they all respected her.

Eventually the sun came from out of hiding behind those big, bright, fluffy marshmallow clouds, and the triumphant Lily was shining on once again."

this could be a nice children's book if you found a good illustrator!

Anx said:

it really would!

Anx said:

but did you get like a positive vibe from the overall writing? like i just didn't want it to focus on the negative, but yet i did want the reader to feel the Lily's pain at the same time.

missfee said:

of course! that's why i think it would be a great children's book.

it's uplifting. like the serenity poem with a theme of nature

I like how you used imagery in it: "The clouds slowly poured in like thick molasses, and the sky had become black like tar." Very nice.

XxAxX said:

oh thank you!!!

psychodelicide said:

thanks, i like to try to describe it in a way the person can see it in their head crystal clear....

Anx said:

thanks for you're feedback....

it does kinda remind me of a native american or even a zen parable. it's very nice, with lots of imagery. lots of things for the imagination to latch on to.

missfee said:

You did a good job of it. I like it when a reader can picture visually in their head what the writer is talking about.

now i just have to figure out what to title this thing...

Anx said:

hmm whats a zen parable?

It's a very good job. If you want to make a book (but why only for children ?), I can draw.

missfee said:

i think they're also called koans...? just little stories meant to teach a lesson or tweak your perceptions a little bit.

Anx said:

That's what I thought when I read it,zen parable. I like it a lot.

virginie74 said:

A good children's book is usually loved by everyone, like The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein.

Anx said:

Or confuse the crap out of you.

I like it. Nice, simple message, put forward in a pleasant way. Almost death by imagery but I too have never met an adjective I didn't like. Doesn't necessarily have to be a story for children. I think we can all learn a lot from it, if only as a reminder of things we already know but often overlook. Just don't let Imago see this thread. He might be inspired to write 'The Little Balls That Could'.

Lovely, missfee.

Your writing style is very interesting. It's halfway between a poem and a narrative. Very James Joyce-esque.

thanks everyone for the feedback...i really appreciate it...

i use to write a lot when i was in middle school, and as i remember it, i use to make little magazines with my friends in 5th grade, and i assigned each person a few articles to write during the week, then on Friday's we would put them all together to see how they would fit in our magazine.... its quite interesting when i think about it now, we didn't see it as work back then, it was just something exciting to do. We would draw images and stuff, even commercial pages....

I would often listen to my mom talking on the phone with someone and get my stories from her and she didn't even know it.

And in middle school i use to draw a lot. By that time i had stopped the magazine thingy, because me and my friends were into watching a lot of NBA games. We use to make believe we were NBA wives and would write these little narratives about what we did with our "husbands" that weekend....

missfee said:

" B-Baller's Wives" Fox network would have paid you for that idea.

shellyevon said:

Oddly enough, in Europe, they hae a version of this concept on TV called "Footballer's Wives", for the wives of star soccer players...just as juicy as any past daytime or nightime soap you could ever want

Ottensen said:

We get it on BBC America, Missfee could have been first.

shellyevon said: