ok, i have to figure out what the hell is wrong with me

i KNOW this is going to sound incredibly silly to all of you, but it is really starting to distroy my life and put me in somewhat of a physical danger... something has to give


here goes... and i'll try to make this as easy to understand as i can (even though i know this is crazy).


i am afraid.... its getting worse..... and there is really nothing i can do to control these 'episodes' or at least get them under control in some way.


so, my mom was comming to town right ? this is a stressful time for me, i want the house to be perfect, i want the kids to be on their best behavior, i want the pets to look great, i want the kitchen stocked with foods that will be great for my family - as i am kinda in charge of meal planning and entertaining while my mother is in town. i put HOURS of thought into what meals will be the best, make the most food, make sure the kids will all enjoy it as well as make a hit with the grown folks.... then theres the money factor. im a single mother raising 2 kids - thats tough enough on its own, but when you take into account that since my diagnosis of the disease working has been more than difficult - so we are living on a VERY strict budget

so, you understand that i was stressed to begin with.

then, the weather has changed, its been quite a bit warmer - which aggrivates the skin disease and that adds to problems.... PLUS, the woman issues with it added the hormones to the situation.

anyway, that all added up to a severe breakout of the disease that decided to show up the day after my mother was in town


so, i call my doctor.. shes out ill so they refer me to the ER. not a huge deal.. i know that nothing can be done at this point because you cannot "see" any real evidence of the problem then, you can only feel it (this one showed up under my arm). k, so, im expecting antibiotics and pain meds until things get to the point where they can actually DO something.

put, when i show up at the hospital, they tell me now im running a fever and the situation is needing immediate help. the doctor needs to open up the area right away... so, in comes the guy to do the IV and start the pain meds and something for anxiety, since obviously i'm freaking out now. the guy gets closer to me and i FLIP THE FUCK OUT !!!!!

theres like no talking to me, or making me see that everything is going to be ok... its an immediate response to the situation at hand. i start sweating, shaking, difficulty breathing, thought i was going to throw up just a bad thing all the way around.....

so, i tell the man, im sorry, i dont want to do this. now, mind you, im not afraid of the 'pain' so much, im DEATHLY afraid of the drugs !!!!! i just KNOW that what they are giving me is going to kill me right away. this is just so silly, and i KNOW it makes no sense.... but somehow, being outside my mind like that is an incredible fear for me. i dont ever get high, i rarely drink... all because of this fear that i have so, anyway.... the doctor comes back in, she was very nice, and very understanding and tried explaining the situation to me in a way that i could just calm down.

my answer was for her to do it without the drugs. she looked at me like i had LOST MY DAMN MIND as did my mother !!! i said, look, i have a fear, i know it makes no sense but its very, very real... i believe if i do that i will die, so just cut the damn thing open without the drugs. now, mind you, i would have just gone home and done nothing, but they said that this could be a life threatening situation if i decided not to do anything at all. so, here i am, facing my worst fear on either side, do this and die, or do this and die, or let them cut you and hope for the best.....


anyway, she did the beginning part (put a huge needle in - and i do mean IN, about 2 inches IN - my armpit to see what happened. now, that shit hurt like nobody's business... so, she said, yes we have to cut this open and it is way to tender to do without the drugs.... so, we agreed to have her numb the area little by little and then cut it open.


the following day, i was to see a surgeon... he had to RECUT the area again as my body was alreay healing and nothing good was happening

they gave me 2 separate antibiotics to take... you know those papers that they send home with your drugs ???? well, one of them said something about "RARELY CAUSES SOMETHING THAT CAUSES DEATH" im sorry to say, i was to afraid to take the pills..... but, i have taken all of the others. my doctor would be soooo pissed if they knew that i had not taken it, my mother would be very angry as well, but i just CANT do it.



so, anyway, i dont know what the hell this is, some kinda panic disorder im sure. but i cannot seem to get a handle on it.


also, last last night we had a nasty storm, they were talking about tornadoes again and i felt the same thing happening... i was starting the cycle all over again.


now, this is causing serious problems in my life, i KNOW im not going to die, and i KNOW i need to take the drugs, and i KNOW that thousands of people take them everyday.... thats not the point, its a fear INSIDE me that i cannot figure out how to deal with and its making me crazy !!!!!


i am going back to the surgeon on friday, he is going to judge what has happened to make a decision as to what operation he needs to do i dont know what will happen, but i have to do something.... and fast !


i was perscribed valium awhile back, it worked great.... but, now my body has gotten adjusted to it, it doesnt work the same anymore so i quit taking it.

i hope someone understands what im trying to say....

nakedpianoplayer said:

I would see a mental health practitioner to help with your phobias/anxiety.

AnotherLoverToo said:

im thinking i have no other options left


but, i wanna know how i got this way - when did i become so scared of everything???? i just dont understand any of this - or how to get rid of it...


its extremely frustrating

Im so sorry to hear all that Nekkie

I wouldnt try to think too much about it - you might feel like theres no logical explanation for the way you now feel but that doesnt change the fact that you feel it. Sometimes theres nothing you can do about that. Im sure there must be some sort of counselling available to you, maybe you should look into that. Less formal than actually going to see a shrink, persay, and maybe a bit easier for you to handle to begin with?

It will probably pass and get easier in time

susannah said:

thanks sweetie


i sure hope it gets easier... its really hard to get people to understand how i feel and how serious the effects of this are on me

AnotherLoverToo said:

I think that would be a great opportunity for you! You'd be amazed how much better you feel just talking with someone who understands what you're feeling. I saw a counselor after the fire (I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder) and it helped SO much.

Oh honey... ... I'm so sorry. I hope you will be ok.... I love you and I think that you have more on your mind than just your health. You have to think about yourself too. Please feel better soon. and

Get help sweetie

applekisses said:

im glad that was able to help you


i guess i have no other options here i just feel so silly... the fear is TOTALLY stupid, i know it is, nothing is going to happen to me, nothing is going to go wrong, its all so damn stupid....

i mean, who in the hell is AFRAID of taking medicine that a doctor gives you ?????


thats just crazy

nakedpianoplayer said:

I get panic attacks sometimes, its not really that serious, but theres just no calming me down and I cant breathe or talk...sometimes patience is of more use than understanding...

Just take your time, do what YOU need. noone else. The answer will come to you. Dont stress yourself out with other thoughts.

Counsellors or mental health professionals will understand this and be able to explain it better too, though

madsex6969 said:

thanks sweetie

you have a very good point there there is much more going on.....




this SUCKS !

nakedpianoplayer said:

Might sound crazy but youd be amazed at how common it is I promise you, anyone you talk to wont think its stupid at all. Theyve heard of much more irrational fears!!

susannah said:

thanks

you know, the crazy thing was that when i was in the ER, and that guy and his helper were comming at me, just as the panic attack started.... when i was trying to tell them why we couldnt do this, they were walking towards me, their faces were actually changing.... hard to explain, but its like their faces looked like long tubes of some kind, the wall behind them got all blurry, their voices changed - like they were talking through a tube or something.... i kept thinking "i cant breathe" and i was getting hotter and hotter the closer they got.... my arms were so heavy....

it truely was like i was totally out of control - they only thing that got them to back off me was when i said im going to throw up. when they left, i was able to try and calm down a bit before the doctor came back in.... my poor mother was in shock, she had no idea i was that afraid of this ...

AndGodCreatedMe said:

thank you honey

nakedpianoplayer said:

Honey thats awful But you need to talk to someone about it, its totally psychological, and by what youre saying it doesnt seem that out of the ordinary either. They can make it go away and youll be fine Dont worry about it, just make the phone calls

susannah said:

thank you so much

youre so sweet, and your words are so comforting - i appreciate it

nakedpianoplayer said:

Honey, when things build up, there has to be a release. Panic and fear are your only outlet without proper treatment. I'm not very tolerant to lots of drugs, it's a body thing. But I know my body and what I can and cannot do. You should consult with a professional to see what kind of medications you can use, because it is very very rare that people die from medication. I believe you're much stronger than that

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

thanks honey

but, see, thats just it.... i know its crazy, i know that im not going to die... if you and i had this conversation in person, you would see that i am totally in control about it - RIGHT UP TO THE TIME when i have to do something medical thats out of the ordinary, or take some drugs im not formiliar with... and then i totally lose it

nakedpianoplayer said:

anytime darling, honestly. I mean every word I say

ask yourself why did everything have to be so perfect for your mother's visit..?...is she perfect?...does she expect her daughter to do perfect things in a non perfect world?....it all goes back to childhood honey...let's start there. I have mondays and thursdays open..lets pick a time and pull up a couch

PurpleRein said:

lol....

nakedpianoplayer said:

That's why you need to know yourself, your limitations and expectations and communicate that to your doctor. You know yourself the best

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

nakedpianoplayer said:

http://www.prince.org/msg/100/186612

nakedpianoplayer said:

Believe me honey, I know what you're going through and I don't think it's entirely unreasonable.

When I had surgery for appendicitis, the nurse came with a gigantic syringe full of demorol. That shit is supposed to be strong enough to knock out an elephant. So I told her to please only give me half as I'm sensitive to medications and drugs. She gave me half the shot and left.

In a few minutes I was ringing that bell calling for the nurse to come and see me. She asked what was the matter and I told her that I felt very very strange and needed someone to sit with me for a minute. So she checks my stats and puts that blood pressure thingee on my arm and takes my pulse. Before I had the shot, my resting heartrate was 65 beats per minute. When she took my pulse after that shot it was 140 bpm, which is more than double the resting heartrate. And that was supposed to knock me right out!

I suffered from panic attacks for 5 years when I had recurring appendicitis and it feels like the impossible to overcome the panic. But there are things you can do and facing your fear and communicating it can go a long way in alleviating you of your stress

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