Spats said:

How is a woman suppose to "turn you on" . are you talking about sex?

I never did like the ole "you don't make me happy anymore", because if you had/have to depend on somebody to make you "happy", you never really know/knew happiness. Happiness comes from within you, a quality you own and preserve. Self Happiness.

If one is making you UN-Happy and trying to take away your self happiness, this is a danger zone. Because even if somebody is not happy, and if they love you, they still want to see you happy. Seeing others happy is good for you and your spirit. But sometimes, misery wants company and you gotta be careful.

I like to be happy. I can be happy by myself or with somebody. It's when somebody is trying to take away that happiness that gets to me.
I like a happy person and together we share our happiness. Sure, shit happens and life and relationships are not always a bowl of cherries, but as long as you preserve your self happiness, all in positive prevails. No matter IF that somebody is not happy and maybe it could be for a time being, you can still find your or own your ownhappiness. And I don't mean happiness as in having sex with somebody else, I mean having peace in your life and KNOWING everything will eventually be okay.

typos.. it's to early

Rebeccas said:

I get what you are saying and it is true- sometimes the dynamics of two ppl together create an unhappy life together because of how you interact together. Some ppl need to be loved and be with another person to help complete their happiness, some do not need that. I guess it all depends on what you want out of a relationship and what your needs are and if they are being met.
I am not in a physically abusive relationship so some say- it is safe so stay... I cannot base my happiness in a relationship on safety- I need more.
I have stayed in this for 10 yrs because it was safe and we get along good together and never fight...
I also worry about him if I leave- I cannot live my life worrying about someone else's happiness. It is killing me inside...

shanti0608 said:

Thats because you love this person and you don't want to see them hurt is why you worry about them, right?. But, seems you know or think that you two would be "happy" with somebody else? Is this correct?

I understand what you are saying about "staying" in the relationship because it's "safe".
It's kinda like allowing somebody to neglect you because they are not abusing you, physically, right?

I hear you about the Love. .. totally understand!

Rebeccas said:

you could both be out there really happy wth other people

charlottegelin said:

See, to me, thats the easy way out. Because when things get going and they do with ALL couples, what? We just dump them and go find happiness with somebody else? Because ALL relationships will take a downfall. ALL! Eventually!

If anything is going to work, it takes time and patience and work. If somebody is worth it they are worth the time and wait and work.

I believe when the OTHER person neglects you, KNOWING how you feel and they don't do anything to change it, this means they don't love you. And being unloved is a reason to move on.


. But, if you have children, I say you need to second think you actions and put love and priority first.
[Edited 4/12/06 5:01am]

Rebeccas said:

sorry I misread your quote

Rebeccas said:

Thanks! I get what you are saying also!

Rebeccas said:

Luckily we do not have any children and I have spent the 10 yrs thinking I never wanted any and now through my therapy and lots of thought and work I am realizing that I might want a family of my own- just not with him...
I have expressed my needs and desires and he says he is just not that way. We have gone to therapy and tried to work on some things but .. It is not working.
I am his first and only love (physically and emotionally- I have been carrying that burden). He does not look at love the same way I do- we have been friends, room mates... something but we have not been true partners in a loving intimate sense in a very long time, if ever - now that look back...
Anyways- thanks for your opinions - both of you!!

shanti0608 said:

Well, don't allow yourself to be another person crutch. If somebody is neglecting your feelings they don't care for them. And you can't make somebody love you.

Don't waste your life!

Hope all works out for you shanti. But remember, when somebody loves you they want you to be happy. And they will notice your unhappiness, if it is indeed them making you feel this way. And again, neglecting to do anything about it is a reason to move on.

And you never know, they may be having the same feelings in the relationship only afraid also to hurt you. Communication is so important. I would rather fight and scream, than be silent.


.
[Edited 4/12/06 5:21am]

..
[Edited 4/12/06 5:21am]

Rebeccas said:

Me too! We have never had a real fight and we lack the communication- I have tried time & again and he shuts down on me...
We discussed all of this and he says he is content living like this with mo intimacy and sex... just so we do not have to give up our life together (house, dogs...). he think's that is how he is supposed to show me that he loves me- that is all that he has to give I suppose.
I am left to figure out if it is enough for me...

shanti0608 said:

A relationship and love is about give and take. Keeping feelings even and alive. And for feelings to grow they must be stimulated. Loving and fighting will do this. Fighting is not bad, fighting unfair is.

Sounds to me like you two have not grown apart. Seems you never grew at all, together.

He sounds materialistic, maybe the material things in life make him happy.

Shanti0608, maybe I'm not qualified to give advice on this, as I'm only recently married, but the way our rabbi explained it to us is that your husband/wife is like your limb. You wouldn't say, 'there's not much fun in it anymore' or 'it doesn't excite me' or 'it doesn't understand me' about a part of your body, it just simply is part of you. Sometimes it can bring you joy, like when dancing,or pain, when injured or broken. But you would never want to chop it off unless it is so infected that it threatens your life.

If he can't move towards you maybe you need to move towards him and be more understanding of him. He is after all, your family, and no one divorces their family.

That said I obviously don't know anything about what's really going on between you and your husband. But I hope you'll have happiness, contentment and true love!

Rebeccas said:

What i mean by "turning me On", i mean sexually. If she does not make you pop a boner anymore or if her looks don't attract you anymore to the point of not being excited about doing them then it's time to move on.

Spats said:

LOL.. ur funny!

Spats said:

@ POP A BONER. I haven't heard that in a while. This is not a dis, just an observation.


M

bizarre said:

What if one has tried and tried but the other does not budge? There are men who get their "love" and fullfillment from their families and a wife is JUST THERE!?

There is no way you can use your body as an example of your love or that of a mans love for you as an example. The bible says if your hand causes you to sin, to cut if off

..
[Edited 4/12/06 9:36am]

Rebeccas said:

I actually think the body is an excellent example. What I'm trying to get at the root of is why marriage is different than a regular relationship.

I don't really get how that biblical quote is relevant in this situation? Has Shanti's husband caused her to sin? Remember, Husband and Wife become one flesh..

Ok- I am hearing a lot of talk about body parts being removed... Yikes!
I did take a vow 5 almost 5 yrs ago to my husband and I get that.
My question is do you stay together if you do not compliment one another and encourage one another to grow and be stronger. My husband does not communicate well and I have been the one to do it for 10 yrs. I have encouraged it, we ahve gone to counceling about it... nothing- he is who he is and that is the fact. I do not want someone to change for me or become something they are not.
I know I made a serious mistake when I let this go to marriage. We seperated once before we married and got back together but we never worked on the issues that caused me to leave.
It is complicated, I have done a lot of soul searching and we have done therapy. I do not know what else to do.
Either I stay and feel dead inside and have someone who will never show me love or communicate or I move on...
[Edited 4/12/06 10:27am]

You said he is happy without sex? Then it's time to move on. There has to be sex in a relationship.

shanti0608 said:

I'm so sorry to hear that! It's definately very important to encourage one another to grow within a marriage. It's also important to have understanding and try to meet your partner's needs as much as possible.

Do you think he loves you?

Do you love him? (leaving the emotions of frustration with his behaivor aside for a minute)

Why don't you want him to change? It seems like the only way you can keep your marriage together. After all, he will only be changing his behavior. It's not possible to change HIM.

Does he want you to change in any way?

shanti0608 said:

But in a theoretically committed, lifelong relationship and union as a marriage, change is not only inevitable, it is essential...for both the good of the individuals involved, and for them as a couple.

And I think one of the best aspects of any relationship is that both parties are (hopefully) interested in one another's welfare, and that each can help the other to change when it is necessary or desired - to bring out each's potential, and to help one another become the best person they are capable of being. Like bizarre already said, your husband - if he were to change so as to help improve your marriage - he wouldn't be becoming a 'different' person..he'd be becoming a better version of who he already is.

That said, from what you've written here on this thread your husband does not sound open to wanting to change his ways at this time. My best to you. I hope you and he both find what you need to be your happiest selves.