i am so mixed up....i need some advice because i cant get a straight thought going in my head anymore...i left my relationship of 13 years four months ago because of the lack of intimacy between myself and my partner (i always wanted far more than she did and eventually, it drove me into a breakdown 3 years ago after years of struggling with this) we had tried counselling and everything like that but the basic problem of me having different needs from her drove us to splitting up.
i had also met another women six months before the split who, i admit, i fell in love with and was having an affair with, she made me feel everything that my partner didnt, wanted, loved and the sex was fantastic. i couldnt stop myself seeing her and ,eventually , my partner found out and i moved into a flat...
.....this woman i had fallen for is going through a nasty divorce herself from a violent ex partner who she had to put a restraining
court order on because he continues to threaten her almost daily!.....
.....but she is a lovely women and everything i always wanted and i have been seeing her since i left my partner...
.....the problem i face is the daily battle i have with myself about my wee boy???...i do see him most days for a wee while but i still miss not being there all the time for him...the guilt i feel about leaving him is tearing me apart...i know my relationship with his mother doesnt really work but i sometimes feel i want to go back for him, we just dont work as a man and women....i am scared that my wee boy will be so damaged by the break up that i will not be able to live with myself...i dont know what to do???

.....my lover as asked me to move in with her and which i am considering but i cant deny that her pyscho ex husband makes me wonder whether we will get any peace ?...and my ex partner is now threatening my new partner because she has 'destoryed everything' in her mind!and is telling me that if i move in with my lover, i will need to go through the courts to see my wee boy!!!

.....its a mess and i dont know what to do?...move in with the woman i love and have to put up with her mad ex and not seeing my wee boy or go back to a quiet life with a woman i dont love and cuddle my wee boy and be a proper daddy to him and give up the love of my life???....i dont know
[Edited 3/16/06 2:05am]
[Edited 3/16/06 2:07am]
[Edited 3/16/06 2:33am]
[Edited 4/4/06 3:19am]

Stop worrying about everyone else and do what makes YOU happy. You can't please or live your life for everybody.

Sounds to me like you are considering it a little bit for yourself and not really for him. Maybe you are confused/emotional over the added complexities of moving in with somebody else’s child? Let the dust settle from one big change before you go making another.

I can't speak from experience but it is likely to be more damaging to the wee man going in and out of a doomed relationship. If it were me I would foster a better relationship in the current situation. That way your boy will know he has two parents who love him very much but just don't live together anymore.

All the best anyway mate, however you go with this.

does your job have an employee assistance program? seriously, you should contact them and look into finding someone to talk to. you're in the middle of some big decisions, and you could use someone professional to talk to about all this. you're not going to figure it out overnight nor will you figure it out on here. find a good therapist.

PREDOMINANT said:

very well put!

Speaking as someone who has thought the exact same thing, I have to say don't do it. My therapist taught me that you have to be happy above all else, or everything else suffers. As hard as it may seem, you have to walk away.

jerseykrs said:

i want to be happy...but can i be happy without my wee boy?....she is telling me i wont see him if i move in with this woman and i believe she will stop me seeing him...i really dont know if i can cope with that...thanks for all your help, my friends

you do realise rob that it is quite natural for the sex to become less frequent in a long term relationship and the attention you give each other in the early stages becomes less too especially when there are children to take care of, i know there are other factors in the breakdown of your previous relationship, but in my experience that inital high you get when you fall in love with someone does wear off,what you should hopefully then be left with is a mutual respect for each other and a strong sense of security and tolerance,well that's in my opinion anyway.
as always
love to you
xx

You will ruin your kid's outlook on life and relationships if you force him to witness a unhappy one.

Spats said:

I agree

blackbob said:

I'm not sure where you are located, but in the States an ex-partner cannot keep you from seeing your children....you have legal visitation rights as a parent.
I agree that to expose your child to a marriage without love is a tragedy...it is better to have him know two parents who both love him immensely instead of having him ultimately realize he is the only reason you are together and therefore the burden and guilt of that falls on his shoulders - that is unfair to a child.

Being together for the sake of the kids is really only right if you and she are happy together. You should not be held hostage in your own life.

You can be separate, and still be in your sons life, although it sounds like she wants to turn your son into a weapon, which unfortunately many women do, but you can live separately and happily and still love your children and be involved with them in every way.

I agree, talk to someone professional and get a lawyer. You only get one life and living in a loveless marriage is a waste of everyone's time. The children always know something is up

You have some tough decisions to make and are bound to experience some pain along the way. Happiness is such a treasure in this life. But also, be careful about your new girls ex.

I wish you all the best bb

.
[Edited 3/28/06 11:21am]

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Amen!

The one thing that concerns me is you living with this new woman..

Find your own place, somewhere nuetral from her ex, and your ex. Somewhere where your son has his space with you, alone.

sag10 said:

Absolutely There is all the time in the world for relationships. If she loves you, she can live with the fact that you need your own space for right now If that is something she cannot deal with, you might not be with the right woman.

You're already gone. If you go back now you'll be even more miserable (now that she has guilt to hold over your head) & you'll leave again, damaging the kid twice as much. You're gonna have to make peace w/ the fact that you're still his dad even though the family structure is not ideal.

No thoughts on the new relationship, sounds totally fucking chaotic. But since your ex is the type to threaten the new chick, maybe you're used to a certain amount of chaos anyway?

But don't go back to an unhappy marriage just to eventually make the same decision to leave - if you wanted to work on it more you guys should have done all you could before the cheating/getting caught/split happened. I know you went to counseling & you tried but now you've got 50 people involved instead of just you 3, it's pretty messy & will likely continue to be so for a while. Make a decision you can really live with, not one out of guilt...

blackbob,
I'm so sorry for you. I wish you would try to work out your relationship with your wife...true love takes a lot of self sacrifice and the willingness to put one's own happiness aside to ensure the happiness of others. (But that only works if both partners are doing this.) I think you feel true love in terms of your love for your little boy and that's a beautiful thing.

My only advice to you is to try to salvage some sort of relationship with your wife (or ex wife i'm not sure) because your little boy will be living with her.
My own parents divorced when I was very young and it put many feelings of sadness and bitterness into me to hear them talking negatively about each other to me.

I hope you'll discover a true soul mate, instead of just a great sex mate in this new woman you've met.

Good luck, hope this helps just a bit..

He can't hang his hopes on the fantasy of a "soul mate". That rarely ever happens.

Bob, don't listen to anyone who tells you you need to work things out for the sake of your "marriage" or "vows". That is a load of shit, especially since you've already tried the counceling bit and your needs still remained different. Don't allow yourself to be hostage to other peoples expectations. Follow your heart....wherever that leads you

bizarre said:

I would like to point out that my parents divorced when I was 4 and when my mom would wax nostalgic about our not being a family unit, I have pointed out how it would not have been good for us to grow up watching her be abused. And bizarre, your parents being in the same household unhappy together would have surely reflected in the household itself. Many people can attest to this. Bob, do what you want to do and nobody else.

Find out what your rights are as far as visitation or sharing custody of your son. I don't know how it is where you are, but fathers have rights, and much more important your boy has a right to be with his father.
This will probably be easier if you're living on your own. I'm not saying don't have a relationship with someone, just don't include them in your son's life until you are no longer confused. Your current girl friend is probably a transitioal relationship and they don't often last. You don't want to put the kids through 2 back to back breakups.
Take your time with the women, but see a lawyer about your father's rights NOW.

cammille said:

i know this, helen, but i never felt with my first partner what i feel for this woman...it is so strong and i know it gets lesser as time goes on but this is something i have never felt before...it needed to be overwelming for me to have done what i did with my wee boy. take care, babe

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

thanks for for wise words as always , supa, it means a lot to me

blackbob, no matter what, be there for your boy. Sometimes a misunderstanding or indeed misinformation can cause a child to believe that his parent doesn't love him anymore - your ex may tell him that even, to get back at you. Show him you love him, keep your nose clean and keep in constant contact, if you don't it will be used against you in the courts if it comes to that. This is the most important thing. It is what you will be torturing yourself over later if your son becomes a stranger to you.
I would die rather than be separated from my boys

charlottegelin said:

my wee boy said to her the other week..."daddy wasnt happy here, mum, but he still loves me"...i would do anything for him.....

blackbob said:

that is wonderful, tell him you love him EVERY day. How old is he?

charlottegelin said:

he is seven...he is such a lovely boy..here is a picture of him...

my eldest will soon be 6. Such a gorgeous age.
Break-ups are so rough on the dads

blackbob said:

Hes a wee heartbreaker Bob! I hope everything works out for you in the long run. Im glad he knows it doesnt reflect on how you feel about him, thats very important. Good luck

I think the worst thing u can do is go back to ur wife for the sake of ur child, if ur not happy in that relationship it will just F*** him up more when he is older. My mum has stayed with my step dad for the sake of me and my brother and all the arguments etc and lack of love between them really effects how u see relationships urself.

Maybe im just a hopeless romantic but it sounds like u have a very special relationship with the other women which is very rare so if it was me i would fight to keep that. Hope u get to still c ur wee boy.x