Sadness is such an overpowering emotion.

Do you ever wonder why things happen the way that they do?

From time to time, our lives seem superhuman, yet, the human emotion can render a person as fragile as a brittle panel of glass. In essence, the human emotion of sadness and humiliation is like kryptonite to Superman.

Let me ask you something.

To you guys and girls who are in touch with your emotions.....

Many women out there say there is a "thing" about some guys that makes them crazy. This "thing" they talk about seems to be a universal thing that a majority of women can sense, and makes women do some crazy stuff like be dependent and lose theirself. Some women have that "thing" over their guys also. This "thing" could be described as a raw, sexual attraction and yet an emotion of love all rolled into one big raw attraction for a person, regardless of how the person looks. Some really goofy looking people have that "thing" but they attract so many people. Look at couples like Chris Knight and Adrienne Curry- Chris has the "thing". Look at Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler. Travis has the "thing". Aside from the fact that these people have money, they do have a raw attraction about them.

What if your partner of a long period of time had told you that their ex-partners had this "thing", and told you that you had it too, but then later on in your relationship, they came out and told you that you didn't have it?

How would that make you feel?

To me, it is truly devastating.

Z7

The "thing" might me just the right mix of humility and self-confidence.

Alone?...Constantly.

Unloved?...No. *smile*...I have an amazing family that gives me an infinite amount of love, and a daughter that is truly a gift.

I do understand how much you must hurt, though ...you always want to be able to go back and relive the words said to you in a past relationship, and believe them to be sincere, and real. Finding out later that they weren't??...*sigh*..I've been on both ends...

You're bringin' us down Zeta....dayum.....


Have and a smile for goodness sakes.....

I go through immense gulfs of that sad feeling, but then have peaks of just the opposite.... but I am still not sharing my life with someone and starting my own family, so I am alone... and getting old!

I am alone most of the time, I've never had a proper relationship in my life, but I don't know if that has anything to do with possessing "the thing" or not. Some people are just better at it than others I'd figure.

Byron said:

Well, the love that one's children has for a parent is different. Yes, I feel loved by my kids, but the love that you receive from a spouse or partner is completely different, and should be given in truth. I cannot understand how someone could be with somebody who they don't have that "thing" for. I have felt that "thing" for every person that I have ever been attracted to. Maybe there isn't a clear line of distinction for me. I don't know.

I've always been a loner, so it doesn't really bother me as much. If I'm hanging around with friends, and there's more than 3 or 4 of us, I start feeling like the caboose on the back of a train.

Last time I broke up with someone, I was thinking to myself I should be sad or something, but for whatever reason, I was more like *phew*.

i've felt alone but never unloved. that "thing" that some guys have is what has gotten me in trouble in the past. i dunno zeta. for awhile i've enjoyed being alone. its best to take your time and not move too fast because of a fear of being alone.












wrong name edit
[Edited 2/16/06 10:26am]

Byron said:

of course, those words might have been sincere and real at the time, but the person's feelings might have changed over time. people change. it's natural. what you need today you may not need next year. or you may need the same thing, but in a different way. life is fluid. our minds and hearts and souls aren't frozen.

Anx said:

your a smart dude

Byron said:

HUGE cosign to all that

Anx said:

Yeah, but she wasn't referring to people's feelings changing...she was referring to finding out later that they didn't really mean what they said at the time.

Plus, the amount of time that passes in between when something's said and when it's contradicted by other words or actions will determine the level of sincerity that should be attached...

For example, if I say "I'll never love anyone other than you for as long as I live", then the following week break up with that person and say I'm in love with someone else, then I don't think it's enough to simply say "Well, at the time I meant it"...lol...It's more realistic to realize that what I said was not based in anything deeper than the emotion of the moment. Sometimes that's enough ("I've never seen you look more beautiful than you do tonight")...sometimes, though, it's not.

Byron said:

exactly. it was the truth then. to decide someone else didn't mean what they said is certainly a valid option, but in so doing, you're taking it upon yourself to make a decision on what the truth of the matter may have been.

regardless: over's over. once the sting wears off, it won't really matter either way.

alone? like byron said, constantly

unloved...never.

Alone and unloved...the first 19 years of my life.

I'm seriously lucky I made it past the 18th year.

seeing other people hurt themselves is far more painful to me than when someone tries to hurt me. just how i am.

TMPletz said:

Word? (that's slang for real)

Well, at times, I've felt alone...but that was by choice. Sometimes your alone becasue youy just want to meet the right female and not feel like you're settling. But, I have always felt loved.

I never feel alone or unloved until I am actively ignored by others. If people are just ambivalent towards me, I couldn't care less but if they make a concerted effort to ignore me, then I feel alone.

Anx said:

Like I said...the length of time in between when something's said and when it's contradicted by other words or actions will dictate the level of sincerity you should attach to the words that were said. I think it's reasonable to expect people to attach more truth and sincerity to words said by another beyond the 15 seconds it took to say them. Can you imagine being in a relationship where your partner kept contradicting themselves over and over again, on a daily basis...especially when it came to how they felt about you and viewed you? After awhile, you'd stop listening...telling yourself to just wait, they'll be saying the opposite an hour from now, so what they're saying now is irrelevant.

Their words to you wouldn't be based in you, but rather in something else. While I was married, there were times when I felt I loved my wife as a husband should...but those moments were rooted in something other than her. They were rooted in the feelings around being on our honeymoon, they were rooted around the feelings associated with having my first child, around the feelings of being on a vacation together...and sometimes on a feeling of whatever emotional "thing" or phase I was going through at the time. Yet during those times, I told her I loved her in a way that conveyed that it was not transitory, and was not based in anything other than who she was and how I saw her as a woman. And those times were far, far outweighed by the times when I barely considered her more than a really good friend...and that latter feeling was the real underlying truth I should have been conveying, because it's the one that has lasted, that has been constant...the one that was the most sincere. She thought I would be with her forever...because I emphasized those rare times when I thought that I actually could be.

As our marriage ended, I refused to disrespect her or her feelings by saying "Well, at the time I meant it"...it seemed like a cop out. Instead I apologized. Words of true, sincere, passionate love are too important to say haphazardly...or to say because you were "in a mood" that night and felt it momentarily. We underestimate the effect those words have on others when we do that. They should be rooted in something far more significant and permanent. If they are, then evidence of your sincerity will last longer than "the moment"...and even when your overall feelings for that person end up changing for some reason, they'll still experience the reality and sincerity of those amazing words being said to them...because you won't be contradicting them anytime soon. I will never use words like "forever" or "always" when it comes to my feelings unless it's rooted in something very much real and alive within my soul..not just my body.

Byron said:

Now, THAT is REAL. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Now, for those who choose to live moment to moment in life, it is okay for them to share those individual moments as what they consider to be "truth" in emotion. But for people like me, who are in what they thought to be a long-term marriage with long-term commitment, they should be honest in their long-term projection of emotion and try to build and maintain those feelings as truth for the sake of their bond. If not, there was no point in a long-term relationship other than fairy tale speculation.

Byron said:

yeah, i get that, but i also feel that if a person doesn't understand their feelings for me enough to tack some stability to their convictions, then it says more about them and what's going on in their head than it does about how much i am absolutely worth to that person. and that doesn't make them a bad person...just not a person who is ready to commit to something that would involve any significant chunk of the future.

it's difficult to be in the position you were in with your wife. on the one hand, if you told you you were out of love with her when you felt it, then you'd be thought of as an ass who's rejecting the mother of his child. on the other hand, if you go through the motions and give her what she wants in a relationship until you can't do it anymore, then you're an ass because you're a liar.

UPDATE:

I discussed the issue with my significant other, and she says that I do/did have that "thing", but she lost some of it after we went through a big spat a few years ago. She says that she still has some of it, but she needs to regain the rest, and since we have resolved the conflict, she says she will regain it fully over time.

But, that "universal" thing, I can tell, I don't have it. I'm not exactly Blair Underwood.

Zeta, I'm sorry things aren't going well with your partner at the moment.

The only thing I can say is that the 'thing' you refer to is something which is totally subjective. I'm not even sure that there is a universal 'thing'. You could pick someone whom most people find attractive but there'll always be someone for whom that person doesn't float their boat. It's the way of the world, a chemistry thing - there's no real way of explaining it.

As obvious as that sounds, the reason I say that is because - to someone - you will have that 'thing'. It might be hard to believe at the moment and you may feel a little battered and bruised emotionally but, as time goes on, hopefully you'll start feeling better and you'll regain that 'thing' you may think - but won't have - lost. And then you can do your 'thing'!

Take care and I wish you all the best.

onenitealone said:

Thank you so much, ONA! The people of the Org are great- you guys are real comforters!

Zeta said:

honestly everyone has that "thing" but its different from someelse's "thing", you just gotta find someone whose "thing" clicks with your "thing" 'tis all. there's a dude i really like, not my usual type but he has that "thing" that makes me like him (he knows who he is). don't know why i just do. but thats another story

Growing up, there were a few times I felt incredibly alone. I questioned if I was adopted as I felt isolated and felt I wasn't understood. It's sad but I think a lot of people go through this unfortunate phase of feelin like the outcast and no one can understand ou. Hopefully you get through it without sinking to deep emotionally and possibly hurting yourself or others, but sadly you can't or won't believe that things will get better but they do.
Prince's music definitely helped me through a few rough times, It's why I love "Annastesia" so much.

he told me I did not have the same thing as his ex, but then he realised he was WRONG!

Zeta said:

All the time.



No one escapes loneliness. It seems to me (for what it's worth) that there is some part of every person that will be incomprehensible to everyone else, and also some part of every person that cannot completely fulfill or satisfy the needs of another person. So that means sometimes people will leave us alone, or vice versa.

Now sadness and humiliation can come from many sources. Are you talking in the context of a romantic relationship? Or a relationship with the divine? Familial relationships or friendships? It's painful in whatever context, but especially so when you're talking about romantic relationships. Heartbreak or rejection is never fun.




The "thing" could also be love, which is the hardest of all to truly recognize and describe. And maybe (maybe) that's what you're getting at. All of those things could be symptoms of love, but not love itself. The problem is, it's so random. The person that is the absolute worst for you is the one that occupies your thoughts and stokes your fire. The person that is the best for you, you may love and care for, but wouldn't "be" with them if she were the last person on earth. Finding a perfect balance of both in one person is rare. Finding enough of both in one person is possible.



And here we get to it. It sounds like this partner is still running from the rejection by or breakup with this ex-partner. But he told you "had it" (that (s)he loved you) and he either meant it at the time or he was lying to both of you.

I'll venture a guess. This partner had not healed from his ex-partner such that he could judge you on your own merits. You happened to be the one to pay the consequences.

If the topic is about you, here's what I'd suggest: Do not run from what you're feeling. Let it run its course, on your own timetable, but with the idea that you will get through it. Hopefully, there is redemption on the other side: happiness, someone who truly loves you, etc.

But I know your pain.