The Homosexual Agenda
8:00 a.m. Wake up. Wonder where you are.

8:01 a.m. Realize you are lying on 100 percent cotton sheets of at least a 300 count, so don't panic; you're not slumming.


8:02 a.m. Realize you are actually in your own bed for a change. Wake stranger next to you and tell them you are late for work so won't be able to cook breakfast for them. Mutter "sorry" as you help him look for his far-flung underwear. You find out that you tore his boxers while ripping them off him last night, so you "loan" him a pair of boxer-briefs, but not the new ones because you never intend to see him again.


8:05 a.m. Tell the stranger, whose name eludes you, "It was fun. I'll give you a call," as you usher him out the door, avoiding his egregious morning-breath.


8:06 a.m. Crumple and dispose of the piece of paper with his telephone number on it when you get to the kitchen.


8:07 a.m. Make a high protein breakfast while watching the Today show. Wonder if the stories you've heard about Matt Lauer are true. Decide they must be.


8:30 a.m. Italian or domestic? Decide to go with three-button Italian and the only shirt that is clean.


8:45 a.m. Climb into red Z4 and try not to look too much like Barbie driving one of her accessories as you pull out of your underground parking. Revos or Armanis? Go with Revos.


9:35 a.m. Stroll into office.


9:36 a.m. Close door to office and call best friend and laugh about the guy who spent the night at your condo. Point out something annoying about best friend's boyfriend but quickly add "It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, just as long as you love him."


10:15 a.m. Leave office, telling your secretary you are "meeting with a client." Pretend not to notice her insubordinate roll of her eyes (or the cloying "poem" she has tacked to her cubicle wall).


10:30 a.m. Hair appointment for lowlights and cut. Purchase of Aveda anti-humectant pomade.


11:30 a.m. Run into personal trainer at gym. Pester him about getting you Human Growth Hormone. Spend 30 minutes talking to friends on your cell phone while using Hammer Strength machines, preparing a mental-matrix of which circuit parties everyone is going to and which are now passe.


12:00pm Tan. Schedule back-waxing in time for Saturday party where you know you will end up shirtless.


12:30 p.m. Pay trainer for anabolic steroids and schedule a workout. Shower, taking ten minutes to knot your tie while you check-out your best friend's boyfriend undress with the calculation of someone used to wearing a t-back and having dollars stuffed in their crotch.


1:00 p.m. Meet someone for whom you only know his waist, chest and penis size from AOL M4M chat for lunch at a hot, new restaurant. Because the maître d' recognizes you from a gay bar, you are whisked past the Christian heterosexual couples who have been waiting patiently for a table since 12:30.


2:30 p.m. "Dessert at your place." Find out, once again, people lie on AOL.


3:33 p.m. Assume complete control of the U.S., state, and local governments (in addition to other nations' governments); destroy all healthy Christian marriages; recruit all children grades Kindergarten through 12 into your amoral, filthy lifestyle; secure complete control of the media, starting with sitcoms; molest innocent children; give AIDS to as many people as you can; host a pornographic "art" exhibit at your local art museum; and turn people away from Jesus, causing them to burn forever in Hell.


4:10 p.m. Time permitting, bring about the general decline of Western Civilization and look like you are having way too much fun doing it.


4:30 p.m. Take a disco-nap to prevent facial wrinkles from the stress of world conquest and being so terribly witty.


6:00 p.m. Open a fabulous new bottle of Malbec.


6:47 P.M. Bake Ketamine for weekend. Test recipe.

7:00 P.M. Go to Abercrombie & Fitch and announce in a loud voice, "Over!"

7:40 P.M. Stop looking at the photographic displays at Abercrombie & Fitch and go to a cool store to begin shopping.

8:30 p.m. Light dinner with catty homosexual friends at a restaurant you will be "over" by the time it gets its first review in the local paper.


10:30 p.m. Cocktails at a debauched gay bar, trying to avoid alcoholic queens who can't navigate a crowd with a lit cigarette in one hand and a Stoli in a cheap plastic cup in the other. Make audible remark about how "trashy" people who still think smoking is acceptable are.


12:00 a.m. "Nightcap at your place." Find out that people lie in bars, too

This thread's not actually that gay. I wish AB were here. He'd bring the real gay!

Fauxie said:

What is the real gay? Is this like a down to earth gay, or someone who hangs on street corners?

Reads like a Bret Easton Ellis novel. Is this the gay Patrick Bateman's life?

ehuffnsd said:

DynamicSavior said:

That was kick ass.
[Edited 1/30/06 20:26pm]

Ahnold said:

JESUS CHRIST!! Ya'll need to REALLY calm down. But now you see things from a gay man's perspective. Every day I wake up and all I see is "STRAIGHT this or STRAIGHT that" beat into my subconscious. So excuse me if I tend to remind myself and everyone around me about teh ghey. I'm sure if everything was reversed you breeders would do the SAME thing. And I don't need to go get any ass, JUST because I'm gay. And you have violated tips #8 and #9. Just thought I'd point that out to you. Have a nice gay!!!!!
Damn. Where's the fucking Mafia to back me up.

DynamicSavior said:

Well, the original Gay Mafia IS on this thread, but we just don't agree with you.



Not all of us, at least. Glamour Queens might actually agree with you.

I guess yer young, but it is so sad to see young kids so obsessed and single mindedly with the world around them as hostile.

Instead of focusing on others, zone in on your own crappy attitude. Woohoo! YOU are what makes your world go 'round and YOU decide what brings you down or not.

So, grow up!






Of course, don't take ANYTHING I just typed serious....

thesexofit said:

THAT was funny.

Anx said:

HamsterHuey said:

But you do like it when a friend offers you a hairy leg of their hubbie's, don't you

Anx said:

Same thing happens to single people above 30, friends always trying to find them dates (never works).

HamsterHuey said:

Ya'll just mad cuz I don't like Madonna.
Anyway...
I made this thread with HUMOR. You know, that "ha ha" stuff? Yeah, that. I don't know why ya'll are making this a big deal when it's not. I wish ya'll would stop reading all my threads/posts/comments as me just saying "WOOHOO LOOK AT ME I'M GAY!!" because that's not what I'm all about. By the way, please refer to hint #10.

Anx said:

you know you'd just submerge in my shadow.....

DynamicSavior said:

okay, now that's funny!!!!

JediMaster said:

That's not funny at all. Please stick to your Star Wars threads. Thank You.

people are people, all different and all alike, stop these useless discusions.
Make love, not war!!!!!

Whateva said:

this is one of the funniest threads in days, and DynamicSavior is not really gay....he's our comic relief, which we badly needed!

abierman said:

RIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHTTTTT.....

abierman said:

I was refering to all the comments sweets. Sorry for not being clear about that

abierman said:

That means he is big boned.

HamsterHuey said:

abierman said:

That's what happens when I see Anx too! Every time!

abierman said:

we are talking about the power of gay here, not the pull of your mass.

Anx said:

DynamicSavior said:

No SOME heterosexuals leave you no choice

Kiss MY heterosexual ass

mdiver said:

Can't I just rim it?

mdiver said:

i certainly hope you apply astringents and moisturizers to the area, or else my lips aren't going anywhere near that mess.

Novabreaker said:

I have other feelings for women.
I like to see

you forgot a most important tip, savior:

straight fellas, when you're out clubbing or what-not and a woman you hit on tells you that she's full-out gay, DO NOT try out the "i bet i can make you straight" routine/pick-up line on 'em. the chances of making her go straight are around the same chances that a fella would make you go gay.

kthx.