I'm generally a very optimistic person. I like to see the good in people and my glass is usually full almost to the top (none of this half-full business for me!)

However, I have been very unwell over the past few years and last year was the worst. I really didn't get out and about much at all and have not been in good health generally. Things are starting to get on top of me and I'm sure that if I felt better physically I would be able to deal with everything better emotionally.

Towards the end of last year my sister-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer. It's serious and the type of cancer she has is rarely survivable.

A month later my brother-in-law was diagnosed with bowel cancer. He's just had to have an op to remove part of his bowel and isn't too well at all right now.

Both my sister-in-law and brother-in-law were very ill over Christmas. It hasn't been good.

My husband's other sister has had breast cancer issues. She is very private so we don't really know the current situation, but a lump was removed two years ago and we have both been concerned that she may not be too well right now.

Two weeks ago I took my mother-in-law to hospital for a routine eye check. We had a good time and were laughing and chatting (she is 86 and not in good health so the rest of the family have decided to keep her in the dark about what's going on). A few days ago she was confined to bed and it now looks very grim. She has developed dementia, almost overnight it seems, and her mind is wandering. She keeps thinking she's in another house and doesn't realise she's in bed. She's very frail so I don't think she will be with us for long.

All this has been stuff I've dealt with and, of course, my priority has been trying to remain strong for the family and my husband, who is faced with all of his close relatives being ill or dying right now.

But a few minutes ago I got an email from my best friend. Her mother had serious depression a few years ago and tried to commit suicide. She has recovered well but last week she spiralled back down and has now had to be admitted to a psychiatric unit once again.

I feel at a loss. My husband is stressed, so we are not getting on as well as we should. I also know he's not feeling good himself but he has refused to go to a doctor. I tell him how worried I am about him but it just causes friction, so I have decided not to mention it anymore.

I'm not really looking for advice, or even hugs and stuff. I know I'm not alone and that we all have problems. I just didn't expect to see half my family wiped out in one year, and it's looking increasingly likely.

Is this just a bad time for me and my family, or are there others who sometimes feel that everything's just getting too much to deal with?

I'm very sorry to hear about all this, Kiren.

Problems rarely travel alone. They have their whole family with them and then when they find a victim they jump on him or her everybody all at once. The victim gets pushed down in the dirt and when she feels like she's as far down as she could possibly be, then the whole damn group of problems start jumping up and down to break her back and finish her off.

The good thing is that they rarely accomplish their task. The whole "after rain comes sunshine" and "it's always darkest before the dawn" blah is actually very true.

Of course we are almost bound to lose the battles against terminal illness and most certainly against old age, but life usually has a way of compensating for the bad with good in other areas. The fact that a whole family, as is the case on your husband's side, sometimes seems to get the whole serving of bad is of course deeply unfair though. All I can say is that I hope you will be able to convert the negative energy into strength. It's a tough process, but it can be done.

Let me know if you need to talk.

First of all,

I am also generally optimistic, and though I wont go into detail there has definititely been the chance to fall apart on many occasions. But you just have to remind yourself that it WILL get better. Im quite religious, and somewhere along the way I started telling myself its all just a test. I do still beleive that, and it does help. I have bad days, even bad months (like this December ) where I think maybe it wont get better after all, but you come out the other side stronger.

Im so sorry theres been a lot of illness in your family, and I hope you have less to deal with soon. I also hope your husband is ok, men are notorious for not delaing with things like this I guess, but there must be a way to help him. Have faith in whatever it is you believe - God, the Universe, whatever - that this is just a bad patch and you must muddle on through. Everyone does have bad times, its just the way life works. I dont really know what else to say, but remember we're all friends here, its real and we mean what we say

Like Retina said, those things never come alone. I've been going through these kind of things (health-problems, death of friends and family, divorce of my parents) for two years and it hasn't calmed down yet. Luckily, no one really close has died. My grandmother died, and two friends, but none of them were really really close, rather just 'there'.

I think the best advice is to stay true to yourself. If you need time on your own, you better take it without feeling guilty. To be strong is to be able to be weak at times, in my opinion. Same thing goes for a relationship. If the other one doesn't want to talk, try to leave it as it is. You shouldn't create distance, but enough space for every one's emotions. In that way, you're most likely to overcome hard times and go through mourning-processes together.

All nice talk of course, but I know it isn't that simple. You said you're not asking for a hug, well, lemme say I'm just offering you one.

there's all kinds of stuff on top of me right now, and my only options are to deal with it a day at a time or allow myself to go completely insane. i truly feel those are my only two options...since i'm already completely nuts, i've decided to take things a day at a time.

Anx said:

Good advice, but its like one of those quotes charlottegelin posted the other day -
"I try to take things a day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once"

susannah said:

that's when you get out the whip and the chair and you tame that shit down. you can only do so much.

Anx said:

Wise man. You'll pull through this. I don't know many people as gifted, loved and blessed as you. Use those 3 things and you're golden.

susannah said:

I would love to add some words of wisdom I may have but this says it all for me. I'm not a religious person, but sometimes the only way I've managed to overcome certain obstacles is to remember that life does get better. It may take 6 months, 12 months, however long... no-one can say. But no matter how tough life may seem at the moment, I promise you, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Right now, you may be feeling at your lowest ebb. But please don't feel alone. I hope you've got the love and support of those you care about around you - your friends, your family, fellow Orgers. Please don't keep this to yourself and if you need help, don't be afraid to ask for it. That's what true friends are for.

Take care, Kiren, and we're all here if you need someone to listen.

such difficult times you are dealing with

im sorry sweetie... stay strong

i don't know if you're a religious person or not, but for me prayer always helps. and some scriptures i find particularly encouraging are 2 Cor. 4:13, 16: “We too exercise faith . . . Therefore we do not give up, but even if the man we are outside (our physical body) is wasting away, certainly the man we are inside is being renewed (or given fresh strength) from day to day” and Ps. 34:18: “Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.” just take things on a day to day basis. handle what you can, when you can. if it seems too big, just remember this funny saying: how do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time!

i work around the general public all day, and that in itself usually puts me in a foul mood. unfortunately, there are people in my life (family, friends) who act like some of the neediest, attention-craving people on the face of the earth. everything is a crisis for them. so i say all this to say, yeah i get overwhelmed sometimes and i just have to take a deep breath and keep on pushing. i find that a few hours of solitude with my 2 dogs and a nap pretty much calms me down.
hope things will get better for you

wow. Thank you all for your kind words. I'm very touched by the things you've all said and would like to respond to each of you individually as some of you have shared some very personal thoughts with me.

Love to you all
xxx

retina said

This is totally on my level. Everything is energy to me. I will try to obtain strength from mine as you suggest. Thankyou.

susannah said

Yes, I do believe in God and, like you, I believe that life is full of tests. I guess I'm different to a lot of people in that I believe that we sign up for these tests before we come here so in that respect I try to keep a perspective which says that (a) I'm not going to get thrown anything I can't deal with, and (b) Whatever happens in life, it happens for a reason and will help me to grow.

It frustrates me that my husband won't deal with his own health issues but I can't make him unfortunately. I think sometimes men can be like ostriches and put their heads in the sand a little rather than face difficult issues. It's comforting to know that we have all made real connections here on the Org. Thankyou.

MarieLouise said

I'm sorry for your losses also MarieLouise . This is very good advice and I will try to follow it. I think I do need to give my partner a little space rather than expect him to deal with things as I (a woman) would.

Anx said

You wouldn't believe how much it helps to know I'm not alone in going through bad times at the moment. I was beginning to feel a little isolated, and isolating myself also. I'm here if you ever want to talk/orgnote. (We can be depressed together)

Tron said

... and he was right

IrresistibleB1tch said

I've found it really cathartic to be able to write down what I have been feeling. I typed it up and there were no replies initially, so I left my PC but felt better. More able to cope. Simply by writing a few words down.

The replies on this thread have really touched me and brought me to the verge of tears. Perhaps that's what I need - to get some of the stress out.

And it's true - the family is MUCH closer than it was this time last year. C's two sisters never got on - they have always scored points off one another and one in particular has been quite nasty about the other. This spate of illness has brought them, and as a result, the whole family together. Ironically, for the first time in the 20 years I've been with C, they are talking, visiting one another, and caring for one another. What time they've wasted in the past

If this experience has taught me one thing, it's that life is too short for petty arguments and feuds, particularly within families. Kiss and make up as soon as you can because everything can be taken away from you in an instant, and your perspectives can change overnight.

Thanks Martina. I'm so happy I know you

onenightalone said

Thankyou I may start another thread soon on my religious beliefs and how I came to believing in God. I find it helps to have "something" to believe in also. Thankyou for your lovely words. Apart from everything else that's happening, sharing my experiences has been good in that I'm discovering how many wonderful people are here to offer help and support. Thankyou.

nakedpianoplayer said

girl and thankyou.

fantasyislander gave

Thankyou Prayer does help, I agree and meditation, which I haven't done enough of lately. I shall look up the scriptures you mention. Thankyou so much for looking them up for me.

meltwithu said

Thankyou. It's good to know that we're not alone, and we all get down at times. I think that's partly where I've found it difficult. Generally I'm optimistic and I hate to think I'm getting sad and/or making others unhappy through being self-obsessed about things. I so agree that dogs are good stress busters! Please pass on my virtual hugs to them!

I'm so sorry that you have to go thru this you will be in my prayers

I'm not very articulate so all I can say is that last year I went through so much myself. I felt like I was trying to get out of my own skin. All I know is that I came out of it a little bit stronger. I know you will too.


M

Im glad you see where Im coming from. Ive never thought of us signing up to tests beforehand but it does make sense, as I too believe that we wouldnt be given anything we cant handle.

Men DO stick their heads in the sand! Theres not a lot we can do but try to be there if and when they surface I suppose.

We're all here for each other, Im glad you can seek solace in that Take care xx

Kiren, It will get better, I know it seems overwhelming and some battles we win and others we lose but through it all never lose faith in yourself. Stay strong and remember that these times will pass, you will overcome them.

I believe in you.

Kiren Looking at your worries mine seem petty, even though my depression/seasonal mood disorder isn't easy to handle. For SURE we really need to speak on the phone soon, dump it all on each other's shoulders. Speak before the week's out?

My mum and family went through a similar kind of thing a couple of years ago , everything came at once , many relatives sick and lost 4 in 1 month , divorce, and to many things to mention.Like the others have said these things always come at once.
I on the outside i looked strong for everyone else but on the inside it was different.
Its good to talk to other outside people sometimes because you cant shoulder it on your own you can only do so much .


my thoughts are with you

.
[Edited 1/23/06 10:01am]

Thankyou AndGodCreatedMe - I would welcome it if you could include my mother-in-law in your prayers. She is really suffering at the moment and both my husband and I would like for her transition into the next world to be smoother. It's horrible seeing a loved one suffer.

Miguel - thankyou. I'm so sorry you have also had bad times. I hope I will emerge stronger too.

Llee - gosh, you have no idea what those four little words "I believe in you" meant to me. I feel like I'm failing everyone at the moment. Perhaps I should also believe in me a bit more. Thankyou.

Jen - I don't usually have worries as such. But I think I've bottled everything up and now I'm like a tight spring, ready to explode. Strangely, since I typed up the original post on this thread, I've felt a lot better - "released" in some way. It would still be good to talk.

Nichola - I'm sorry to hear about your family ... I don't know why it happens like. In 2005 we had a similar thing but with my side of the family. A close friend, my grandmother and one of my uncles all died within 2 months. We all got through that so I know we will get through this. I think the difference now is that I feel helpless and, like I said to Llee above, I feel like I've lost my ability to cope, or believe I can cope right now. I hope things are better for you, your mum and your family.

Mach - Thankyou.


I really appreciate everyones comments. I'm sorry if this thread seems self-indulgent but it's been healthy for me to brain dump everything here I think. And your stories and well-wishes have helped me to see things in perspective.

Thankyou everyone.

This seems to be a bad time for a lot of people. It's great to have this network of friends that will be there for you in time of need. You and your extended family have my prayers as well, Kiren.

Reincarnate said:

Here is the perfect place! when you can't burden someone close to you because they are just too close, come dump it on us. We are always here to listen and be positive.
My thoughts are with you.

And now for my humorous post as a response to the original question:

No, usually I'm on top and she's on the bottom, but we both kinda like it better that way.





Don't lose your sense of humour in rough times. Sometimes it can make a lot of difference when things seem to be at their worst.

I am so sorry u are going through all this hun....try to stay positive...my thoughts will be with u

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this...even individually these things are devistating, but to face them all at one time must be horrible.

You know...it seems to often happen this way...that things all happen in clusters. The best thing is that no matter what happens you WILL get though this and time does heal all wounds.



Hang in there, honey...if you need to talk...I'm here

Have a good day today.

sending you really big s and lots of thoughts and prayers!

I'm so sorry you're going through so much right now. I've heard a quote "'God only gives you as much as He thinks you can handle'...I wish He didn't trust me so much"

Kiren!

One breath at a time