My father came to visit me today to tell me he's going to (re)marry.

I feel a bit strange. To me it's not a great deal in itself, marrying or not, but the situation is strange.

He's sixty and still not in peace with the divorce he went through. My parents went through a painful divorce two years ago and made my sis and I go through a very difficult time. Right now, they haven't been speaking to each other for a very long time, and if I hadn't talked with both lawyers, my mother would have tried to destroy my father...financially, emotionally,...

His girlfriend, the one he started to live with when my mother threw him out, is very sweet and independent. She's a bit too bossy sometimes, but mainly he could have chosen someone far worse. Not the awful stepmother, not at all.

So my emotions are rather mixed and as I am very straightforward, my father saw this and I told him.

Is this wrong? Should I just try to be happy?

People get very lonely. Especially that your dad was married to your mom for a very long time, he is use to NOT being alone. If she (his girlfriend) is good to your dad and he truely cares for her, I would not worry if I were you. Seems like both you and your sister, well, all of you have been through a rough time last couple years. Focus on the positive and that happiness that can be salvaged and run with that

Hope all is well with you and your family.

Oh and Marie, I know it sounds easier said than done, divorce is almost like a death. An end! And it does take time to heal and move on.

Thank you, CatWoman. It's not that I don't want him to marry... she loves him very much and he, above all, needs a woman to take care of him. They're both aware of this disbalance and seem to find a way to cope with it. I love the fact she a very energetic woman, not negative at all...

It's just the mess it will bring. My mum will persist even more in her bitterness, my sis and I will turn out to be the ones bringing messages and soothing the hurt 'adult' ones.

It's not like two young hopeful people of my age tell me they're going to get married. Those are two people with a difficult past, a shared past in a way. This marriage won't make the situation easier.

But on the emotional level, he should do whatever he chooes. They may have another twenty years of life together, then this may as well be a married life.

your path and all that goes with it is yours ... there is no right or wrong


your dads path is his ...

you should not try to fake being happy

but you should always own your own emotions and allow others to own theirs

good luck, i know it's tough

Sad! Really, I totally hear where you are coming from, @ bitterness. It may be hard for your mother to realize and accept the fact that your dad's life is moving on. Some people want to be mourned or maybe feel the other partner did not mourn the loss of the marriage long enough. If I were you, if you have a good healthy relationship with your mother, maybe sit down and have a really good talk with her. Let her know how you feel.

MarieLouise said:

oh hon it's hard ...I've had my parents split when I was 5 they both found someone else. My Dad and my Stepmum are still very much together... when my Mum passed on in 1998 my stepdad and I stayed close and he's since remarried an amazing woman who's like a second Mum to me (closer to me than my stepmum, really) I've been lucky enough to have, like, 5 parents lol but nothing worthwhile comes easy and there were bumpy roads no doubt

hang in there and be there for him Marie... but on the flipside to that I can totally see where you're coming from

Change is sometimes very difficult to deal with, as is fear of the unknown.

You are naturally concerned for your father and your relationship with him but you seem to like your father's new partner, which is a wonderful start.

I think you should accept that your feelings and emotions right now are natural and see what happens over time. Your family has gone through a lot of change over the past couple of years and it's been very unsettling. Perhaps the family needs the stability that this new relationship will bring. Perhaps, also, you have found a friend in your new stepmother, who will support and love you over time, and who you will learn to love for the love she brings to your father and your family.

I hope it all works out as I think it will. I think you just all need some time to adjust.

Mach said:

great advice.


for MarieLouise

TheCatWoman said:

That's very sweet advice, but the situation is far more complicated. To trace down the problems my mum and I have, you should go back to World War II, or even earlier. Just saying.

No one is able to communicate with my mum, except for an illegal immigrant who is living with her, in the house I grew up in.

I needed to go to the psychologist, for one year, to realize I shouldn't talk to my mother. After I realized this, things started to go better. She's the child, and I should not try to find a comforting attitude in her, since she's totally unable to give me that, or others.

Anyway, complicated story. Just needed to say something about it. Thanks for your kindness, both of you.

Marie, sounds like your mother has her life already. From what I gather in your last post. Be happy for your dad And, most importantly, focus on your life and how to make it happy and peaceful. There comes a time when we have to accept people for the way they are and focus now on ourselves. Because if you/we don't, who else will? Live and Learn.

I didn't approve of my dad's second marriage. It was a very complicated situation he was getting into. But he's an adult, and if he doesn't ask my advice, I'm not going to give it (unless they're getting involved in something actually dangerous). My life is enough to manage.

I worried about my mom, but she's an adult, too, and she's since found herself a boyfriend without my help (though my sister did recommend Match.com, which is where she met him!).

It's not easy, but if the marriage failed, it failed for a reason, and everyone needs to move forward and try to find some happiness.

Excuse me for posting this in dutch


Lieve Marie
Ik voel met je mee.Mijn ouders zijn gescheiden toen ik 7 was en mijn vader was, als ik je begrijp, een beetje zoals jouw moeder. Ook ik heb, toen ik veel jonger was, geprobeerd met hem te praten en tot hem door te dringen maar de bitterheid had zo de overhand genomen op zijn persoonlijkheid, daar kwam ik niet meer doorheen. Toen ik 18 jaar was zag ik hem op straat lopen, nadat ik hem al 6 jaar niet meer had gezien. Ik ben op hem afgestapt en probeerde weer die connectie met hem te krijgen..dat lukte niet..nog steeds die bitterheid vanwege alle dingen die hem overkomen waren. Na 6 maanden verongelukte hij in de haven.
Uiteindelijk heb ook ik 2 jaar therapie nodig had (niet alleen hiervoor maar ook voor andere dingen die in die tijd zijn gebeurd)
Meisje om een lang verhaal kort te houden...volg je eigen pad (like Mach said)
Probeer je niet verantwoordelijk te voelen voor het geluk van je ouders.

Hou je taai meis

AndGodCreatedMe said:

That's hot

it sounds like you are kinda happy about your dad...it's just you know what this will bring (headaches) from your mom. So no, it's not wrong at all. I guess you'll just have to brace yourself for your mom's reaction...or distance yourself (wouldn't be my choice but I'm going on no detail) Maybe talk to the illegal immigrant?

good luck.

Thanks everyone for your sweet comments and advice. Very much appreciated!

After all, whatever this will turn out to be in the far-away future, it will be one thing in September/October: a party

to all of ya.