A couple people have already said this, but get the "legal stuff" in order first. I see first hand on a regular basis what happens when this is not taken care of, and it can be very problematic. As superspaceboy, endo and Ace have already said, Powers of Attorney - particularly financial Power of Attorney - is a good thing to do and soon. I'm not sure what sort of health your parental type is in now, but a will and living will (called a health care directive) is also very essential. No matter how tight knit your family may or may not be, those things are absolutely critical to ensure that your parent's wishes are followed.

It's a lot of work to tackle all at once, but the sooner you get those handled, the better off you'll be. I know this is very basic human nature, but do your best to make the parent not feel like a burden. It's likely that you're going to drive each other crazy during this process, so you'll have to lean to let a lot of stuff just roll off. On top of all this care, you've got to come to grips with the fact that this person you're caring for is your parent - your flesh and blood. It can be daunting. I hope all goes well with this.

I have met your parent and I love you both.

Start contacting social agencies to find the right person to come in from time to time. You may want to check out some assisted living places, too.


Let me know if there is anything I can do and you can always call me to vent.

RipHer2Shreds said:

I would recommend taking care of both kinds ASAP.

It's only worse when u have siblings that aint even worth mentioning by name.

Ace said:

i'm really stupid with this kind of thing, and i know my parent - even in the "mentally present" days - was really naive about finances, too. so sorry if i'm a little thick: what exactly does power of attorney do?

Anxiety said:

It gives you the legal right to make decisions on this person's behalf. There are two kinds: one that gives you power over their finances and another that gives you authority to make decisions regarding their healthcare (e.g deciding whether they should continue to be left on life support, etc.). At least that's the way it works here.
[Edited 12/6/05 13:54pm]

Incidentally, this was one of the issues I had to deal with in putting together my will and I encourage everyone here to draw-up one up, as well. You want someone you trust to be making these decisions in the event of emergency.

Ace said:

from what you know, is there kind of a halfway point between total power of attorney and just kind of a next-of-kin/advisor kind of thing? sorry if that's a dumb question.

RipHer2Shreds said:

they are VERY DAUNTING first steps. But once it's all in motion, soon it will be second hand to you.

Anxiety said:

Not a dumb question at all. Sounds like you're referring to what is in my will: P.O.A. only goes into effect if I cannot make these decisions myself. But it sounds like this may be a rapidly deteriorating situation and you might want to get everything signed now, just in case. Probably best to consult a lawyer.

A lot of this may be taken care of through a Living Trust. I don't know at what stage your parent is but it would be good to set one up.


M

Anxiety said:

As far as I know you can have power of attorney and not excercise that power. My uncle is signatory on my grandma's finances now even though she is in 100% control of everything. It's just a "if something does happen" situation.

And sooooo ditto what endo said about your created family

Anxiety said:

Regardless of your relationship with your other parent, you should make them aware of the situation.

An aunt of mine is currently in the hospital, about to die, and she has been estranged from her son for years. My father called him to let him know what was going on in case he wanted to come by to pay his last respects and he did. In situations like this, people will often put their grudges aside and do what is right.

I feel for you. My mother has Alzheimer's and my father has a laundry list of ailments. So far they are able to live at home with the help of my sisters and I, but as my mother worsens it's becoming a strain on my father. They are both dead set again ever going to a nursing facility, but we wouldn’t have a choice if one should pass away leaving the other. Fortunately, I do have a power of attorney, but I pray every day I won't have to use it.

My best advice is to just take things a day at a time. Get familiar with all your mothers business; health information, insurance, accounts, etc. Then go to the doctor with her when you can to find out how she’s really doing. (The most I get from my parents after a doctor’s visit is “I’m fine.”) Just take things a day at a time.

Some good advice here.

I know you feel alone, Anxy, but you don't have to be. As some others have pointed out, there are some support groups and resources out there that you can get connected to via Geriatric Programs. I'd also go to a doctor's appointment with your parent and get a social worker referral from the doctor's office or hospital--they are specifically trained (or SHOULD be) to help you with this.

It's an incredibly hard thing!! I'm watching my mom go through it now w/ her mother - my sister & I are bracing ourselves for going through it with our mom. There has to be resources out there that can help - you might feel alone in it but you're not. Do a little research, there has to be something you can put in place.

The 3 people I recommend in orgnotes that Anxy should contact, showed up in this thread!

Endorphin74
MiguelGomez
Anotherlovertoo

All I can suggest is talk to the doctor involved and see what your options are.

Anxiety said:

I'm sorry Anxiety

I hope you find the support you need.

I went through this with my Dad and soon will have to do something about my mother, she fell the other day and we had to force her to get x-rays. We had to place my father in a nursing home because he had Alzheimers and Parkinson's diease. Best thing we could have done. He lived a longer, happier life because he got the 24 hour care we couldn't provide.

There probably is senior day care in your area.That might be an option for you .

I'm really sorry you are going through that Anxiety. When I found out my 83 year old father was diagnosed with terminal cancer in 1998, I made the decision to take leave from work and I moved down to Florida to take care of him until he died. That was in Jan.1998 and he died in July 1998. I was 29 when I went down there. It was one of the most difficult and rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. There are definitely stages that people go through - for both the ill and the caregivers. All of them are normal. Please org note me if you would like to talk more about this in depth. I am here for you. Or if you post questions, I would be happy to answer for you. I can probably help you find support resources in your area.

Soulsista

Just picked this thread up...

Unfortunately, I can't give any advice but I'm sorry to hear this Anxiety. I had to watch my grandmother go through something similar. As many have said, if you want to get something off your chest/vent/moan/whatever, please feel free. Please don't feel alone in this. A lot of people will be willing to listen.

Take care.

My mom's physical condition has changed in the last few years. She's always been off her rocker though.

She hasn't gotten ill or anything--just somewhat "old". So I've been thinking about it alot. My siser and Brother in law want to take care of her, but the reality of the situation is that I'm the only one with enough space to take her in.

My sister and I insist on ensuring she live with one of us in her last years. In asian families, it's inconcievable that your parents not live with the family during that phase of their lives.

It's completely stressing me out knowing it will happen within this decade or during the early part of the next decade. But I'm phycologically preparing myself.

Imago777 said:

yeah, my parent got 'old' over the past decade or so. they went from the person i recognized from growing up to this kinda slow, quiet, non-confrontational person who didn't bear a whole lot of resemblance to the person i knew. and it's just been getting worse as their condition deteriorates. it's really heartbreaking to see someone you know disappear even though they still exist. it's really difficult to experience on a lot of levels.

Peace. I was working on an academic project a few years ago about caregiving which really opened my eyes and got me thinking about the situation. Most people I know who came forward and really took up the reins of responsibility talk about how fulfilling the experience was to care for someone in the right way. The issues that come up are universal, so you have plenty of company.

My parents are relatively fine, but they're in their mid-sixties and won't be fine forever. I can identify with your situation because I'm an only child as well and my parents are divorced. Not only that, I live thousands of miles away across the country from both of them and they live thousands of miles away from each other. I also have no financial means to support them. I have faith that I will find the means to care and maintain balance in my own life as well. Help comes when we need it.