Has anyone else had to deal with the deterioration of a parent's physical and mental health to the extent that you realize you need to step in and start figuring out how to care and provide for them?

Over the past month, I've been hit hard with this reality. One of my parents is in rapidly declining condition physically, and in addition, their ability to think clearly is fading fast.

Thing is, I have no friggin' idea what to do about it.

What's worse - I have no siblings, and my parents are divorced and I'm about 96% estranged from my other parent.

The only 'close' family we have is my grandmother, who's in equally poor health and has always been mad as a hatter.

In other words - as support systems go, I'm pretty much screwed. I'm on my own.

I don't want a situation where I have to live with my parent or where my parent has to live with me. I'm hoping I can help come up with a situation where we can get a drop-in assistant or someone to check in and help with groceries and housecleaning and just make sure my parent's okay from time to time. I don't think it's so bad that live-in help is necessary...but a regular watch/check-in is probably in order, even if by phone.

This is scary stuff. I've know it's been a problem for a couple of years, but recently it's turned into the white elephant in the living room (or however that cliche goes). It's something I can't ignore anymore cuz it's right there in my face, no matter where I try to look.

Sorry for the heavy post/thread today, but it's pretty much front and center in my concsiousness right now. If I'm a bit erratic lately, it's because I'm a little wigged out trying to figure out what to do about this.

Any ideas/stories/resources are greatly appreciated.

Anx, I have no solutions or advise, I'm sorry to say. Never had to deal with this situation before. However, I wanted to just let you know I am here for whatever support I can give, even if it's only lending an ear. I wish you all the strength to deal with this and pray that you find a solution that is best for everyone involved.

Me and you could be family twins since I am in that situation now with my Grandmother, both parents are deceased and I cared for them too. It is a lil easier since I live in home with my Grandmother. Pay bills, work, cook, clean, dr. appts I have to do it all.

Caretenders something like that is fine for meals, bathing and the like. Also a senior citizens caregivers support group is nice too. They offer emitional support and also have nice network of how to get stuff done for your Mother. I have had adult responsibilites since I was 12 so I am used to it. It may also be why I demand so much from a man, because I dont have time to babysit. Orgnote me and we can exchange phone numbers and talk in more detail.

Maybe this is a weird question, and I don't want to offend you, but why don't you say, 'my father' or 'dad' instead of 'parent'?

As to answer your question, I really really don't know what to do in such situation. I wish you lots of strength in finding a solution...

my parents are pretty self sufficient at the moment but the day is gonna come sooner than later, specially where my mom is concerned. you are right in the scary stuff department. there are many strings attached to being put here on the planet at this is one of the big ones. i keep thinking that she will go on forever cause she has always projected the aura that she is much younger than she is. also, my siblings, some of them would be the last people you would want to turn to in times of need sorry to say.

sounds to me however like your sence of responsibility will triumph in the end
just a hunch

A couple years ago I made the decision to move in and look after my grandmother. Right thing to do etc, ugh. Those who know me personally from this site will know the hell and comedy of the situation, but the comedy is what keeps me here. On Earth, really. Fair play to anyone who looks after someone.

Oh, sweetie.

Dealing with this is never easy, but with no siblings to understand where you're coming from...that's hard.

There should be an Elder Services agency in your area and in my experience they're generally awesome. Well, awesome considering that they're usually overburdened and financially strapped thanks to our fine system. Your parent doesn't necessarily have to be a senior citizen, either. They serve seniors and adults with disabilities/dementia/other difficulties.

I'm dealing with a similar situation with my grandmother (father's mother). My only brother is away in the service, and my father is her only surviving child (his brother, my godfather, passed away several years ago). My dad is an addict and is in no shape to take care of himself, let alone her. The Elder Services program assigned us a caseworker who helps us coordinate services like meals, nurse's aides and homemakers, all of whom come to the house. I hope you're able to access this kind of service.

Love and hugs to you, honey. Your parent is lucky to have you.

Anxiety said:

it's hard having to face looking after a parent no matter how long for...I've got no solution hon but lots of and support ok? any time

Anxiety said:

I went from being a husband to a parent so I kinda know what you mean. But for us this is temporary. I guess we all will one day be faced with this. My experience is limited but I'm here for you. Get yourself some pills- like Xanax or Valium. It will take the edge off, give you more patience and let you think and breathe eaiser.

Number23 said:

You are an angel.

When my grandmothers health deteriorated to a point she needed daily help, she asked me to move in with her, or rather her social worker did. Due to my circumstances at the time, it was not a feasible solution for me, and to this day I've regretted that decision. I still feel guilty.


As for you, Anx, I'm so sorry to hear of this. Unfortunately, I've got no good advice. Hang in there.

rachel3 said:

Anx...
This is a really difficult thing. I went through it with my dad and I'm going through it with my mom...BUT...the difference is that I have a huge family and everyone does their share.
My suggestion would be to see if your parent would be willing to move into a senior apartment...something that is assisted living, but also offers independence. These places are a LONG way from a nursing home...hell...I would like to live in one!
Another alternative would be to have a nurse or housekeeper come by a few times a week. The downside to this is that some older folks don't like strangers coming into their homes...it makes them feel vunerable.
If you need to talk, I'm here...ok?

that's a really hard situation. elder services should be able to help.

MarieLouise said:

because, even though you and/or everyone else on this site will probably not meet my parent, i still want to give them the dignity of not being identified as "anxy's crazy parent". plus, i don't exactly come from a traditional family. "parent" is as good a word as any to use.

Anxiety said:

i would love to know what your name is?

shausler said:

Anxypoo

i just keep reminding myself that all is finite
what ever care you give or arange to and for your folks
down the line you will be grateful withyouself for you
selfless actions

Check this. Maybe you can start here.

http://egov.cityofchicago...=536880021


I had help with my mother. We had a nurse for her and my dad would help also. Fortunately we had lots of pull since my dad worked in a hospital. He was a janitor and they still helped him. We were lucky.

I am an only child. My dad is 74. I may also have to deal with that issue myself.

I wish you luck and hope you can find support. Keep me updated when you find the time.

Miguel

Anxiety said:

My mother had to deal with this situation with my grandmother. In the end, she went into a home. Is this an option here?

It sounds like you are coming to terms with this...that's the first step. It will be when you decide to take care of them, which is really where this is headed. No need to hem and haw, they are going to need your care sooner than later. And no need to move in with each other, though that may need to happen eventually. If they are getting along ok and it's just the mental thing, that may not be too bad.

I'll tell you this, you will probably have to move them closer to you..as I cannot see you going back and forth. You don't have to, but it may not be a bad idea. You ought to look into assisted health care too. Maybe move mom and grandma into the same place and get care for both. Though Grandma may be an issue. You are just gonna have to take charge and make a plan.

First things first, sit down with them and discuss this adn discuss financials (if you don't know already), you're gonna have to become their caregiver and be on all bank accounts and medical records. A decision doesn't have to happen right away...in the meantime, start putting together a folder with all of thier vital info in it. Doctor records, tax crap, bank statements. etc. This will at least keep you busy until you make you decision. It will also gather everything you need "just in case" in one place...AND you have an assessment as to how much help they are going to need.

I am currently taking care of my Mother who has Alzheimers. this past August it came to the point where she could not longer live alone.. So I know just how weird and hard it can be at times I have tons of advice and suggestion, too many to list here org note me (if you wish) and I'd be happy to help in any way i can.
[Edited 12/6/05 12:40pm]

superspaceboy said:

yup...all of that


huge s Anx! I am so sorry this is happening

You've been given loads of good advice already. I will second the encouragement to call "elder care" or your local "senior linkage line" to talk things through with an expert who can give you some beginning info on resources and what not. Depending on the finanicial situation and insurance there may be a lot of community/health care resources to help keep your parent rather independent but safe.

superspaceboy said:

this is VERY good advice...

I work at a day care for folks with Alzheimer's.

Contact a professional (like a social worker for some kind of elder center) so they can go over options with you--in home care, placement, day care (a very cost effective way to go), etc. also legal necessities.

Get involved in a support group. Lots of good info, and it helps to share experiences.

endorphin74 said:

Yes, you should probably have them sign-off on power of attorney to you before it's too late. And round-up all of their investment information.

thanks for all the comments and advice, folks. it's all very comforting.

i think i'll definitely be contacting an elder care program soon, and the support group idea doesn't sound half bad either. i think the most intense part of all this is the feeling that i'm completely on my own in all this....the person who would have given me the best advice is the exact person who is now the problem.

Anxiety said:

You are not alone, kitty. Your bio-family may be small but your created family is all around the world and there to support you.

Anxiety said:

It can be a scary situation, but you've got lots of friends here to help you through. I don't know how much specific advice I can offer, because the system here in Canada is different, but don't hesitate to ask.

asisted living facilities some at least are designed with the intent to preseve the individuals integrity for as long as possible