04/12/93

At the start of all this,
i thought
or perhaps just hoped that
Sophie Entz' great son had
kissed my childish dreams goodbye
and found me a solace
a living, breathing solace
in the image of you



02/12/95

Rule # 1

a promise = a promise
until something better comes along.

i miss you *i already forgot you -who?*
AND HERE COMES
blonde avenger -i'm stuck in Thomas'
belly

Thomas' fluorescent belly filled
with demi-gods
and thick air
confusing me, making me forget
THE MINOTAUR
and my promise that was not
a promise as such

i'm tired, very tired
dreamt a 15 hour dream
and found more sleep at the end of it



03/12/99

i've been talking to myself again
the voice is still the same
though perhaps a little older
a little more disappointed
i still lie to myself
but i'm doing it
for different reasons now



03/12/04

12 years 12 years 12 years 12 years 12 years 12 years
12 years 12 years 12 years 12 years 12 years 12 years

i've been waiting for 12 years
and nothing happened
so ask yourself
-was it worth it?-
~on the off chance that it
could have just worked out?

YES (!!) it was it most certainly was worth it
...on the off chance that it might have worked

but how can you be certain?
~i can't, i've stopped trusting myself
a long long time ago


04/12/05

my kidneys ache again
-probably tired
from tryin to filter
the resentment from my body

I shall wear mittens
and a scarf of misinterpreted
religious beliefs
I shall wear them proudly
as i wait another dozen years
on this narrow ledge
you've cut for me
above the masses
in those days when i still
woke up with your voice
deep in my mind
burning - like an ember

each night i'll meditate
hovering above the sea
and try, try, try....


PS:

in Paris, quite by accident
i ran into the MINOTAUR
he seemed pre-occupied
but so was i
and so ,i think, were you

wherever you were at that particular moment











it's been 12 years. obviously and i'm a realist
in fact, when it comes to emotions i can suppress 'em
so good it scares me sometimes.

yet this has been gnawing at me for 12 years, the only
time i've really been in love. really really in love..

it's like the memory of the first hit, of the best drug
e.v.e.r. and it completely fucks me up.

there are still days when i wake up and feel as if i'm
suffocating.

it's not like i think about acting on those feelings n
i know that it's a lost cause so i won't even bother.

yet, the feeling is still as intense as it was on the
very first day.



[Edited 12/4/05 13:31pm]

mooi

Natisse said:

hey tisse

i've found some sorts of love again, no worries, but i don't know,
there's love, there's lurrrrrve and then there is thát love.

if anything it gives me hope for the future, that there might still be an
other love like that waiting. if so, than life is fucking brilliant

Dewrede said:

thanks!

i'll probably regret having posted it tomorrow morning though



but what the heck, it's good to get these kind of things off
your chest once in a while.

IstenSzek said:

I know what you mean... I've felt something very much like THAT love since feeling it the first and only time but nothing compares to the real thing

I know it's hard but remember that feeling and be thankful because there are people who weren't fortunate enough to ever have felt that euphoria of loving someone so much you could look into thier eyes and see the future

No..I'm going through this horrible pain right now...I never...never thought that....I would feel like this.

BucketOfBouncyBalls said:

TMPletz said:

I miss him

i still think of my first love. a lot. if you are the one that fucked up (as in my case) then my answer is no...i don't think i'll ever get over him completely. we have been broken up for 14 years and i have not felt love like that since.

still dream about her

I still think about her once in a while. She still lives in our hometown, and we're still good friends, so I get to see her once in a while. But after seeing her the last time and realizing just how much we have in common, I couldn't help but wonder about what could have been.

I feel like crying now

BucketOfBouncyBalls said:

TMPletz said:

:sniff:

The first girl i was with was the best. I have never had anything as good as that since. I have been involved with some good ones but not as good. Not as pretty, etc. But i have got over it. To make myself feel better i just picture her fat with three or 4 kids.

It is possible - and vital - for you to "get over" your first love...but it's nearly impossible to "forget" her/him.

Not if you marry her. Then you never get over it.

Fauxie said:

NO...then after 10 years when the honeymoon is finally over for good, that image of the mythical goddess frpm your youth is replaced by a nagging wench who's letting herself go and won't let you buy that giant flatscreen TV.

PurpleJedi said:

Apart from the giant flat screen TV you're bang on!

And it didn't take 10 years edit
[Edited 12/4/05 17:25pm]

20 years ago I was SO in love with this guy (it was really just a crush). He told me he "loved" me, but nothing ever came of it except my pining away for him!
Anyway, he is the manager of the Safeway store in my old home town and if I walk in there and see the photo of him at the front my heart just pounds! Just like 20 years ago.

He is a complete fantasy guy, I never really got to know him and see the real him. I have met him in the street a few times since then, even took him home once, but we were both so tongue-tied it was ridiculous

PurpleJedi said:

Ah ha! It's all about the TV, isn't it?!

Fauxie said:

I love my flat screen TV too

charlottegelin said:

TMPletz said:

get your mind out of the gutter!!
I met him at the supermarket buying cat food, and I gave him a lift home via my parents house for a coffee. He loved cats and we had 2 very nice ones I wanted to show him. He's been married twice now, still looking for someone like me I expect

charlottegelin said:

I would have another comment, but...

TMPletz said:

i believe one may not actually get over their first real love because of the depths of the emotions experienced, and in most cases one can never go back to that space and time and experience those deep feelings with someone new. remember "first love" usually means first "everything".
. but then how does one truly define "getting over", "letting go" or "true healing from the hurt". in most cases our emotional need to survive will not allow us to fall that hard again.
love can (in some cases) be like trusting someone and caring for them so much until you feel as though you literally open your chest and hand them your heart...and the controls to your very breath.
however i can revisit the good times, the fun times and the passions shared and feel no regret. "it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all".

charlottegelin said:

Where do you expect our minds to be when you're posting about bras you bought and asking for suggestions about halter neck tops?