1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

Seen this before, it is funny.

God, I need this thread. Working for cretins can be soul-destroying, sometimes.

onenitealone said:

hope you're ok hon

luv4u said:

I've seen it too, it's very funny. My fave is "Yes I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial"

onenitealone said:

I feel ya!

Natisse said:

Awww, thanks lovely. I'm ok thanks. It's just work that's a bit of a nightmare at the moment.

I feel a Big Night Out coming on!

susannah said:

Right back at you, sweetheart! I owe you an Orgnote! xxx

onenitealone said:

don't i know it.

I'm a computer instructor, and one of the things I'd LOVE to say at work is this:

"No, you dumb motherfucker, when I said 'take the mouse and point at the Internet icon,' I did not in fact mean 'take the mouse and physically stick it on the motherfucking screen.' How in the fuck do you survive on a daily basis without putting your eye out, you goddamn cretin?"

...instead of smiling sweetly and gently correcting the individual with supportive, non-judgmental language.

Anxiety said:

I'm just glad I'm not alone in this!

FunkMistress said:

You make the org a better place

onenitealone said:

heavens no. though i try my best to make them think i'm the stupid one. keeps the pressure to a minimum.

noonblueapples said:

You make olives taste better.

Anxiety said:

See? Now that's where I'm going wrong. I think that one time I called one of my bosses a "corporate cretin" (honest ) didn't really go down too well either.

Thanks for the advice!

onenitealone said:

another tip - don't call 'em DRONES, either. they like to think they possess free will.

Anxiety said:

God forbid they think for themselves.

I've reached a point where I realise:

~ treating people with respect
~ working hard
~ doing the job you're supposed to
~ using common-sense (i.e. sniffing bullshit - or seeing a problem - a mile off)

doesn't get you anywhere in a large corporation.

I need to be a ruthless, blinkered, selfish, emotionless android.



Nah, that's not me.

onenitealone said:

Plead insanity - that's what I did. After a heated argument with the Departmental Manager, I emailed about 30 people (including her), calling her a "motherfucker"; ripped my phone out of it's socket in the floor; threw the phone in the wastepaper basket and slammed the double-doors behind me as I stormed out of the open-plan office.

I went straight to the doctor, said I was "stressed" and got a sick-note for a month. God bless the union... She couldn't sack me, because my outburst was "a work-related illness".

That was about five years ago. I think my last outburst was standing on my desk a few months ago - but it was more of a silent protest.

BinaryJustin said:

Well, I'm not that bad (and I have a love/hate relationship with the person I said it to; we're quite honest with each other) but work is the least of my priorities. My life exists outside of these four walls, unlike some of my colleagues.

But, yes, it would be nice to have a job that I actually enjoy doing!
[Edited 11/9/05 11:36am]

what i would LOVE to say right now:

"since i've done about three times as much work as everyone else today, can i go home early so you all can catch up?"

BinaryJustin said:

oh my!!

The worse I've done is swear at my boss in what was supposed to be a private meeting, but really we were in our huge cafeteria. I raised my voice quite a bit too, so it's quite possible it looked like I was cussing her out pretty badly. For those that know me, it takes a LOT to get me to that point of anger in a work setting. It was pretty bad.

i don't think i've ever flipped my lid at work...i've had the on-the-spot "take this job and shove it" incident before, but i think i handled it fairly gracefully. i just calmly walked up to my boss, extended a hand, and said "i just wanted to let you know it's been a pleasure working with you, and that i can't work here anymore."

ah, to be 24 again and with no sense of financial obligation....

At work I'd like to say.


"Sure, you borrowed the shirt they found the drugs in."
"Sure, this is the first time that you've been under the influence."
"Sure, you were on the way to take the cd's and t-shirts back when you were arrested."


Ugh. The lies people tell me. I know some are truths but come on.....


:IWILLNOTBECOMEJADEDIWILLNOTBECOMEJADEDIWILLNOTBECOMEJADED:


M

cabo said:

I sooooo need this one!! (she sprays it at her damn desk 10 feet from me...3x a day!)

FunkMistress said:

Anxiety said:

I've flipped a my co-worker once, but never my bosses. I did have a similar "graceful exit" however...I had given my 2 weeks notice @ a job I LOATHED (fast food) and the manager promptly started telling everyone she had fired me (then why was I still there) I called her on it. I calmly asked her why she was telling everyone she fired me and she screamed "if you really believe that I would do something like that then go ahead and leave right now" It was my AUNT that told me what the mgr was saying...a woman who doesn't have a dishonest bone in her body and no reason to lie to me. I walked out...on the day after Thanksgiving, the busiest day of the year at the mall where the place was. Such a happy memory

Oh yes, I've had some chances to have said a few things to the retards I work with. Unfortunately there a little thing called H.R. that kinda hinders me. However I have put people in thier place when they either don't understand what I am telling them after the 5th time, or if they have tried to tell me how to do my godamned job! I mean wtf!? How do these people arrive to work in one piece? Anyhow, glad I was able to provide a well deserved chuckle to my pals. Have a great (freak-free) day...

FunkMistress said:

LMAO - oh good, that was toooo funny.