I undertook this interview with some trepidation. Here was a villain that tormented my childhood and threatened to destroy my way of life. He was kept in the highest security wing of a federal prison located near Miami. His cell is next to that of his slightly lower profile neighbor Manuel Noriega.

I was given what must be a standard warning given the bored tone of the guard. Do not give him any personal information. Do not approach him. Do not accept anything from him. And no matter how politely he asks, do not give him any lotion.

But when I entered his cell, I was surprised to discover how small he was. He was no more than 5'8" and very slightly built. Hardly the type to inspire an army of fanatical followers.

Or so I thought.


Where did it all begin?

It all started back in the early 80's. I just finished a run in an off-Broadway show and was looking through the trades for my next gig. I saw an ad seeking an actor for a multi-year job. It said "must be willing to relocate." I thought it sounded fun. I was looking for an adventure.

I flew to D.C. for the audition. When I told my cab driver where it was, he looked at me sideways. I didn't realize why until we got to the Pentagon. My interview was with Caspar Weinberger!

The Secretary of Defense under Reagan.

That's right. They had a master plan to spend the Soviets out of existence, which ultimately worked. But that was only part of their plan. The defense contractors were getting fat and rich off of the arms race. Weinberger knew that they were getting used to the money. That money in turn came back in campaign donations. So after the Cold War, the US needed a new reason to justify its high defense costs.

Is that where GI Joe came in?

Exactly. The plan was to create a new military branch with high-tech weaponry and vehicles. It would be staffed with soldiers with cool individual uniforms and code names to get the kids interested in the military.

Obviously, GI Joe needed a reason for its existence.

Right. At the same time it created GI Joe, the government also created COBRA.

That's amazing.

We had access to the same hi-tech weaponry and had our own troops. It was reverse PR. After I got the part, I looked up my old friends in the theatre and got them jobs.

Like Destro?

Yes. He was supposed to be a Scottish arms dealer. But you could tell from the voice that he was a black guy from Philly. He choreographed a show I was in in 1980. He stopped trying to do the character's Scottish brogue. Kind of how Halle Berry stopped trying to act with an African accent when she played Storm in X-Men 2.


So Major Bludd, the Baroness, and Zartan were all actors?

Not the Baroness. She was really a dominatrix who was really popular with the Congressmen. She knew where too many bodies were hidden, so to speak. They gave her the part to keep her quiet.

So all your battles were staged?

Didn't you think it was a little odd that despite all the wars we fought with all that high-tech weaponry that no one ever got killed or seriously hurt? Neither side could hit the broad side of a barn.

Well, now that you mention it...

That was part of the plan. We could pretty much blow-up whatever we wanted, planes, tanks, you name it. As long as the people inside escaped first. There was so much money being thrown around that no one cared. But there was no blood allowed. It would hurt recruiting efforts. They wanted kids to think that war was fun and ultimately harmless. We came up with wacky schemes like trying to control the weather. Nothing serious though. Not like today.



You were replaced as head of COBRA for awhile. What happened?

Well, some of the more religious elements in the administration felt that I was a little too effeminate to be an effective villain. My lisp certainly didn't help matters.

Enter Serpentor.

Right. He was a big burly man. They gave him a costume with a huge snake headed cowl. I mean, can you get more phallic than that?

He didn't last long though.

No. There was a scandal. Rumors started leaking that before he was discovered, he worked as a male escort. No one wanted to kill the PR golden goose, so they got rid of him.

Which gave you the opportunity to come back.

Not immediately. Remember, they turned me into a snake at this time. I got better though.

Any hard feelings?

Well that's showbiz, you know? They turned me back into a human. The only side effect was that my skin is still pretty dry and scaly. You wouldn't happen to have any lotion on you?

Uh...no.

Pity. Anyway, my agent got me a nice pay bump.

So why are you telling your story now?

They've kept me locked away for so long. Once they had a real enemy, I was an embarassment. I've been kept here for years. They've still yet to charge me with anything. I've tried to reach Amnesty International and the ACLU, but no one seems interested. I wanted to get the truth out. So now you know.

And knowing's half the battle, right?

This interview's over! Guards!

This was great!

Didn't he just make a guest apperance in Family Guy this week?

CarrieLee said:

as the head of the FCC