The Mistress is sad today, and that just won't do. She has a reputation to keep, you know.

So tell me a funny joke.

Short, long, stupid, high-brow, low-brow, Li'l Bow Wow, whatever, you know?

Here's one that just made me laugh:

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."


"i blew the punctuation" edit
[Edited 10/21/05 9:20am]

Jesus is sitting in a square in Nazareth, when a crowd approaches. They throw a woman, bound and beaten, at his feet. A man at the front says to Jesus, "Rabbi, this woman was found in the very act of adultery, and under the law of Moses such women are to be stoned. What say you to this?"

Jesus replies, "That the one among you who is without sin may cast the first stone."

A rock flies from the back of the crowd, striking the woman square in the forehead, killing her instantly.

Jesus stands, looks over the mob, and says, "Mom, sometimes you really piss me off!"

Answering machine messages


You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.


Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.


Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.


Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day.

Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of shirts. We'll get back to you if we like the color.

..
[Edited 10/21/05 10:14am]

Okay, this one just made me absolutely fucking CRY with laughter. Please don't ask me why.



Q. Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

A. Because they're ugly and they stink.

A father buys his little girl a snack to eat while he gets his hair cut

She stands close by him while the barber is cutting

The barber says "honey, your gonna get hair on your twinkie"

The girl replys: "yes and I'm going to grow boobs too"

what comes before the letter h?
































....preparation.

paintsprayer said:

paintsprayer said:

:hairyvespa:?

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

FunkMistress said:

Why don't lesbians wear makeup when they diet???





































Because it's hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

...but I had fun trying!

FunkMistress said:

2 old ladies were driving down the street and rushed right through a red light. To herself, Wilma thought...I think we just ran a red light. But she wasn't really paying attention anyway so couldn't be sure.

They come up on another light, this one also red, and they speed right through. Now she is positive that the light was red but figured Blache must have had a good reson for running it.

They come on a third red light and sure enough, they run it. Now she's frightened for their safety. Turning to Madge she says "I'm sure you have a good reason for doing so, but can you tell me why we keep running the red lights?"

Blanche says "Oh! Am I driving?!

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Wait - who the hell is Madge? I'm so confused!!

My aunt has a bad habit of forwarding me inappropriate jokes via e-mail. Sometimes they're funny, sometimes not so much. This one gave me a giggle.

A guy wakes up in the morning and immediately calls his supervisor to explain that he won't be coming in to work.
"What's the matter?" his boss asks.
"I have a terrible case of anal glaucoma today," he explains, weakly.
"Anal glaucoma? I've never heard of that. What the hell is it?"
"I just can't see my ass coming into work today."

FunkMistress said:

Me too.

RipHer2Shreds said:

FunkMistress said:

Wilma's confused too!

I said make me laugh.

What are blondes with a running nose?















Full...

FunkMistress said:

SpcMs said:

huh?