Dear Abby... I mean Org,

I have changed so much in the last 6 years. I hadn't any experience as a single person as I married young and all. A man can't walk by without my taking note. However I am not a competitive sort and seek to find what is mine to have or the long term. I have always been a strong woman's advocate and equally close to woman as men. As of late, I am vastly disappointed in the female species and find myself distancing myself in many ways. I don't think I ever noted how intensely competitive woman are with each other. I have always thought it overstated by men until recently.
In two separate unrelated incidence I have received undesirable results with females I am close to. In both cases each knew very much about me and used it in a manor I can only describe as completive, hurtful and unkind. Over time two males I am close to made it clear to me I was being discussed although neither wanted to directly comment on it but to indicate to me what it was done...but were curious enough to say something about it at all. Long to short it amounts to betrayal by the female friend. If it were done in my best interest or concern it would be one thing but it comes from a different spirit. One I can only think to describe as competitive and somehow damaged. I am rather shocked how many females run around with the conquest of needing to be wanted in mind. Like it is some form of validation from males they seek. A need to be "wanted" by males they really don't want for themselves anyway.
I have decided to distance myself from woman who behave that way. I don't feel I owe them any explanation either. That has been very hard for me. In many cases I know why they behave the way they do. I see some form of self issues related to upbringing. I love both dearly but find I am scorned and have chosen just to move on. Both come off as solid woman that see you as an amazing woman as well until you are receiving more attention than them and in both cases I was shocked to hear odd remarks from them at that point. I suppose they both thought me stupid as not to see it? Or more then likely knew my kindness would cause me to hold my forked tongue in my head. I think I have decided these are toxic relationships to be set aside from my life so I can move on. I suppose my true concern is, are females in general this way in the single community? Is betrayal a way of life?

Signed,
Confused in California

Girl Power Sucks.


I mean really. YOU KNOW Ginger and Scary SPice are both trying to get a peace of Beckham and they'll stop at nothing to do it.


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[Edited 10/9/05 21:15pm]

ImagoMind777 said:

The greater point is the man will gravitate towards what he wants to either end! More then likely neither ultimately so this is not the point. It is that the woman stoop to divisive nature.

I don't understand women at all...

But you're right, insecurities and perhaps social conditioning plays a huge role in why a friend would feel the need to build themselves up by trying to tear you down. When sincerity of heart and thought is the motivation behind the actions, they come to you, not to the ones to which you're growing closer. They express their thoughts, concerns and issues, you have a respectful talk about it all, hug afterwards and continue being the way you've always been. You understand their motives and motivations, and that overrides everything else...if anything, you're thankful for having friends like that in your life. But when sincerity of heart and thought is absent, it's done in secret...

Sometimes things occur for perhaps no better reason than to help us experience the realness and depth of friendships and relationships we're in...I would maybe talk to them both first before deciding to sever ties. I've never known an instance where talking was worse than not talking.

Distracted said:

Actually several odd comments were made to me at a time when I was busy with greater tasks. They were made through out the night....

As for your talking it out thoughts... I see your point but to what greater gain to remain involved with someone who had done such? Is it not courting with further disaster? I think more shocking to me is it can be someone who is viewed by those around me as so solid and uplifting. I would expect the persons to laugh it off and certainly not own up to it.... ???

if these are "true" friends then i havent read anything that leads me to think they have truely betrayed your friendship.

the first thing i would try to do is discuss the matter in a non-confrontational fashion..get to understand what their motives were....

or forget about them....even if you do talk to them and feel their motives revolved around hatred then let em go.....

in either case, dont let them get to you..its wasted energy. trying to rationalize their actions isnt going to do you any good.

the only thing in life you control is your own actions..so either listen to them and accept and forgive..or move on.....and by moving on i mean not second guessing your actions or contemplating their motives.

i seriously dont see this as a gender issue..its an issue of trust and friendship. men can be just as cunty.


smooches

DeactivatedMUSE said:

My own personal philosphy on life??...Every instance is a valuable opportunity to be our better selves...to give us one in an infinte number of moments to "do the right thing", to listen to our higher selves and not to our fears, hurts, or insecurities. I guess that's why I tend to favor talking over not talking...non-talking seems more a desire to avoid than anything else. And one of my favorite sayings is "Reality denied always comes back to haunt." I guess I see avoiding as the same thing as denying. In whatever ways and forms it may take, those things avoided/denied will "haunt" us, often in ways we're not even aware of.

Whatever you do, though, don't forget about foregiveness...don't ever overlook that undeniable asset to the health of our soul, heart and mind. I guess I also feel that avoiding talking makes it harder to truly forgive...although for the life of me I can't explain why right now..lol

WOW!

Over the past six years, your friends have also changed and grown a bit too. They may have become more manipulitive and cunning without even knowing it. Being "alone" and "unwanted" especially for periods of time can have an effect on your friends that neither of you are aware of. As we get older, some of us get more desperate at our attempts to "find" a mate...or even worse...make sure that our friends don't find one before we do. We do this conscoiusly Unconscious..unaware of how we really are even we know what we are doing.

I think that you are right in distancing yourself from the other 2 women. If they are really close and notice and wonder why...then it's time to have a lil one on one and lay it out. Their actions and your interpretations of those actions...and more importantly what you will accept from the friendship and what will not be tolerated. Be honest. Better that than passive aggressive.

Muse, you are a beautiful person and you don't need that crap in your life. Life's too short for any kind of drama other than Desperate Housewives.

Natisse said:

Thank you! I miss Toni so bad! We planned as little space between visits as our schedules would allow. ( Jons are more flexable then ours at the moment!) I am jealous that you can see her anytime you wish but thankful you were there during her rough times!

superspaceboy said:

Good stuff! Thank you!

I'm sorry you had to deal with that . I do know how you feel and have had that happen to me and still happening to me. I went years with out having any real close friendships with women. Then I give a few a chance to prove that women weren't really like that. I was so wrong and now I am back to keeping women at a distance when it comes to having a close friendship. But the part about being single, I have to say it doesn't matter if you are single or married women are out for themselves. But then it again I chose to trust these people so I guess the blame lies with me not them. Anyway, I'm sorry you had to deal with a situation like that Karen.
Steph(eversolesa)

HollowellSA said:

Oh I don't know if we are to blame for the people we choose... and then again I am seeing a pattern. Or a prototype so to speak. They often tend to be beautiful woman who seem to have it all together. Yet on closer look they are woman who aren't convinced of that fact at all. The cues are there.... "He says I am beautiful" Well of course you are, didn't you know that?

at first i thought all women were like that.i went through alot of bitchiness from women toward me and decided to just write 'em off-fuck 'em. but i've met a lot of women who were not like that and i've met men who were toxic. i've come to realize that its the person. maybe they dont like themselves and don't like to see you happy 'cause their shit is messed up or whatever, some people just don't like to see another smile. i say just keep them outta your life (and personal business!) and move on. as far as other people you can't go the rest of your life not trusting-it stops you from growing and seeing what you can learn from someone new. just learn from your mistakes and move on.

Muse2NOPharaoh said:

aww I bet you do miss her very much I know she misses you too hon... as far as seeing her whenever I wish that's true for now and I'm SO thankful for that (although I still don't get to see her nearly as much as I'd like to) there will come a time when I'm on the other side of the world from her once again and that I'm absolutely dreading but for now I'm trying to see as much of her as I can