Have you always taken into account your opinion of your own attractiveness when looking for a partner? Is it true that most of the time we know our 'league' physically and we tend to look within that range for potential partners, then find someone in that range whose other characteristics are desirable to us?

I posit that we are therefore, on the whole, pretty superficial beings, and despite our best efforts to champion the cause for inner beauty, outer beauty still holds the most sway.

I think there's truth in the fact that we consider ourselves physically too attractive for some and not attractive enough for others and that this dictates to some extent how we find a partner.

It's all well and good to say that people have different tastes and find different people physically attractive, but ultimately there is a basic level of agreement among people about what is attractive in people and what is not. Does this mean, therefore, that all but the very attractive have, to some extent, to settle for less than they'd desire?

But would we freely admit this? I think we may well try to claim that our partner is the most attractive to us physically, but is that really true? If given a choice between our partner as they are and basically the same person but physically more attractive, who would we pick?

Are we just comfortable with how the whole thing works and do we just accept it as a fact of life? Are you someone who has taken this into account when dating? Or are you someone who takes issue with this idea, instead gravitating towards people who you find attractive regardless of your own physical self-image?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

If my partner was more good looking than he is, I guess I'd worry he was only with me until something better came along.
To be honest, I've never "desired" someone I knew personally that was extremely good looking. I have not given this a thought applied to my own partners, although I have been aware of the theory all along, I've always kind of followed my heart and not my mind.

Nomad said:

So how likely would you be to approach them if you were interested? Is your own self-image something you'll consider if you're attracted to someone and thinking about making advances?

Fauxie said:

yes... I would never approach anyone I thought was out of my league UNLESS there were signs that the feeling was reciprocated in which case I'd swallowed my pride and gone out on a limb. I won't be doing that in a hurry again as I've done that twice now with very very bad results

Nomad said:

Crashed and burned huh Mav?

I have dated a full cross section of ladies but I would say that they generally became better looking as my confidence with women grew. You allude to an interesting point in human nature but I think my wife is WAY above my league. My advice now to people who ask is always aim for what you find attractive don't think you aren’t good enough, just go for it, they can only say no!

charlottegelin said:

So do you think we subconsciously filter out people above and below a realistic spectrum? Or do you think it's more of a conscious thing? I wonder at what age we pick this up.

JimmyNothing said:

yes

Fauxie said:

I must, I reckon. I would never dream of going out with you for example, male model that you are Even if I look back on my high school crushes, they were not the cutest in school or anything, my cuter friends would not have given these guys a second look. Funny isn't it. It is inbuilt so we don't all want the same person, this way there is someone for everyone.

Men are generally more responsive to beauty than women according to some theories. Whereas women consider other factors as more important. honestly, there have been studies!

PREDOMINANT said:

Interesting! Of course, we all know that the other factors besides physical appearance are a large part of finding a partner and building a relationship with someone that will last over time and make both people happy. Here we're addressing the initial physical aspect of attraction, as early as simply seeing the other person and determining whether we'd find them suitable as a partner from that point of view. Your confidence in this respect has obviously eroded this seemingly built-in affliction (yes, I'd call it that, though that's not to say it's not entirely natural).

charlottegelin said:

@ 'male model'.

I find it fascinating. Interesting thoughts in your final sentence. I hadn't thought of that!

Dating outside your "league"

LleeLlee said:

Interesting and convincingly elaborated.








I actually had trouble looking you in your avatar as I typed this response as I think you're out of my league.

MartyMcFly said:

Fauxie said:

I think you're a handsome fella and you know you are Fauxie.

I usually gravitate towards personality, yes looks come into it, I think they do for everyone, but I would go for an interesting intelligent person rather than a beautiful air head.

i think that there has got to be attraction at first but that alone is not enough for a long term relationship...i think even the most shallow of people would get sick of being with someone who was good looking but annoyed the hell out of you or had nothing in common.....
i think that there has to be good sex as the foundation of a good relationship....you can build from good foundations but if the sex aint any good or just not there....it will affect every part of the relationship after time (and i say this from experience) and it will struggle to survive.
[Edited 9/27/05 4:00am]

That is not to say attractive people cant be intelligent/interesting, if you manage to find both in one person than you're lucky. There is nobody on earth who wouldnt want this combination.

But if a person had one or the other I'd look beyond the looks as good looks alone can become very boring after a while.

LleeLlee said:

[Flame bait snip - luv4u]

Fauxie said:

I see what you mean, drawing a distinction between what we find attractive and what we find attainable which is in someway subconscious.

I remember reading or watching a report on a study done with men and women. They lined up group of women and asked a group of men to write down who they found most attractive in the group of women. Then they switched and the women made a note of their favourites from the male group.

The women chose a cross section of the guys as they saw as attractive whereas the men almost always chose the same single woman. It would be interesting to repeat the experiment asking them who they would most like to date/chat to?

I would guess, much of this has to do with how we believe we are perceived by others.

Supposedly how attractive someone is - ie. facial symmetry etc - tells a potential mate about good genes and absence of disease, so theoretically whilst all agree such and such a model is beautiful and desirable, our choice in mate often tells a different story, so Llee Llee is correct in saying other factors come to play such as ability to provide - if you think this sounds like you, demand a paternity test

PREDOMINANT said:

what women find attractive varies throughout their menstrual cycle - I think around ovulation we become fussier (or is it less fussy? ) I did see a doco on this but memory is hazy.
[Edited 9/27/05 4:11am]

charlottegelin said:

It that what the conclusion was?

Great so women mid cycle prefer great big meaty animals of men and then at the end of the cycle the small caring type

Typical!



Didn’t they go on to get them to smell underwear as well, to see if the smell they prefer matched the visual preference?

LleeLlee said:

See that's the thing, I don't. I have a poor self-image and always have. I never had a gf in school, dated, or anything. I was shy and had a poor self-image, as I said, and I think that's the reason I would hang around the girls I found most attractive who were the most sought after and would chat with them, as I guess I thought I didn't stand a chance so there was no harm to be done to me there. I've only just realised this through thinking about this thread. Interesting!

I wholeheartedly agree with you regards an interesting intelligent person over a beautiful air head, but I don't think that negates my original point. I'm thinking about the very first stages, when seeing someone, or indeed not seeing them if indeed we do filter people out.

PREDOMINANT said:

eeww!
I think those who were with the caring provider types, cheated during ovulation with good gene specimens (read: hunks) to produce healthy offspring.

Fauxie said:

I am quoting a list of bullshit recollections today but I recall a model or film actress in an interview (or maybe it was a friend of a friend) who said she had never had a serious relationship because she was always approached by total airhead bimbo males, and wished that a “nice guy” would try to chat her up.

charlottegelin said:

Healthy, beefy, but stupid offspring

Fauxie said:

I used to be really good friends in high school with all the cutest boys (without being attracted to them) and found out years later that a couple of them would've gone out with me but thought I was not that kind of girl so never asked me out . I wonder if I'd known it at the time, would I have acted on their advances? or had I too already unconsciously filtered them out?

Personality =

Looks =