I've only just got out of bed and it's a quarter-to six in the evening here.

I woke up this morning realising I have no-one whom I can depend on. I've severely outgrown my friends.

I was with some friends yesterday evening. One of my friends had brought two of his friends who I'm not really close to and don't know too well. Last year, one of these friends-of-friends had a housewarming party and instructed other people in my circle not to tell me about it. I later found out that I was disinvited because a bloke named Ian would be in attendance and "he doesn't like queers".

In addition to this, the same friend-of-a-friend had a barbecue in his backyard about two years ago. At about half-past midnight when only a few of us were left, his female middle-aged neighbour was discussing immigration and said "I think Hitler had the right idea". I blew up at her, calling her an ignorant cunt etcetera, but I was told to leave because I'd upset her. I was amazed that anybody would even think that Hitler had the "right idea" about anything.

After a few beers last night, both incidents came up in conversation. I don't know whom brought it up and don't particularly care anyway. I ended up wiping my hand across the table, knocking glasses off and stormed out of the pub. I'm probably barred from the pub now. I don't know. If the glasses had hit anybody, I could have gotten into trouble. I know it was a stupid thing to do, but I was so angry.

On top of all this, snide comments about my sexuality were made at me all night. One friend repeatedly asked me what semen tastes like. I told them the truth, just to shock them into shutting up: Campbell's Condensed Mushroom Soup. It didn't work. Somebody nipped out the corner-shop and put a can of the stuff in my place whilst I'd gone to the bar. Another friend's girlfriend constantly made references to my recdeding hair and at one point, put a glob of hair-gel on my head, whilst stood behind me. Everybody was laughing at me all night and I was the punchline to every joke they made.

I told one of the friends-of-friends that I thought his name was Polish and he took offence and called me a racist (???). I don't think he was truly offended at all and his mock-indignation at my querying his family name was just to wind me up further.

I was just sat there, completely miserable and trying to put a brave face on the situation until I lost it.

I've known these people for 15 years. I'm 33 now and I feel too old to approach people and ask them to be my friend.

I've been crying all day.

I phoned one of the friends this morning and told him how I felt, but I broke down on the phone and probably didn't make much sense.

I have no-one.

BinaryJustin said:

I'll orgnote you. Not about the soup, I promise.

don't cry over these people justin it's an opportunity to shed the past and move on to bigger and brighter things

there was a time where i thought how could i have so little in common with these people i have called friends my whole life. We grow. some don't.

so i need to expand my horizons as well... and at 32 i damn well hope i am never too old to make new friends. common interests and like minded people will never give you the pain and anguish that these people have.

do it... you won't be sorry
[Edited 9/25/05 10:13am]

im sorry to hear that.

it happens to a lot of people i out grew my friends too, it got to a point where we had nothing in common at all.
you will meet new people who deserve your friendship

INSATIABLE said:

Done.

sorry to hear it, but perhaps it will make you realize the problem is not you, but your crap friends and that maybe it's time to venture away form them and get new ones.

Thanks for your replies. I've signed up to a website to meet new people. I guess things can only get better. I'm going to avoid all those people in future.

BinaryJustin said:

it happens. i was best friends with a guy for 12 years before i realized how incredibly toxic the friendship had become, and hhow horribly he treated me and how abusive the whole thing was, and how much i hated who i became around him.

cborgman said:

That's exactly what's been bothering me. I've been complicit with their behaviour. I've let them do this to me.

BinaryJustin said:

but now you are concious of it, and will do something to change it, that's what counts

They sound like typical pub hooligans, if you ask me. How do your friends react when their friends behave like this? I'd be very disappointed if they said nothing.

It's never too late to find new friends. How about trying to connect with women? Some of my best friends have been female, despite the possibility of sexual tension and the likes to mess things up. For you, that stuff wouldn't even be an issue.

The website idea doesn't sound too good, in my opinion. I think you'll end up with freaks or at the very least equally depressed people.

retina said:

There were three friends there. One girlfriend of a friend and two friends-in-law. One friend just really didn't say anything all night. I think he may have been embarrassed. I don't know.

retina said:

Do you think so? The site seems respectable enough, it's nowhere near as pervy as Gaydar. http://www.outeverywhere.com/
[Edited 9/28/05 3:36am]

Woah there..... Listen I am no expert but I have a little experience in this thing called life. I too changed my whole life up in the last few years as many here can tell you. Well, I have shifted it several times. Many times I have felt somewhat isolated and lonely. Its part of the change in progress. I can only promise you that with effort on your part this state is temporary and will yield beautiful results if you just breathe and make peace with the path itself. I spent a lot of energy just hating the path with such passion that it slowed me down incredibly. I have learned not to hate it but get on with it. I have met some incredible people in the process. Life is good again though I still have days like you are having but am learning what to do with them a lot more. My girlfriend Chris says, Karen, just cry then.. Don't fight it..... Except its a shit day and let it out. Tomorrow will yield better results.

I am not trying to sound well thought out or concise here as the path varies for each of us. I am saying HEY accept you are in the moment right now but NEVER forget that it is only a moment. Often we get lost in the moment itself and loose track of the big picture creating a sense of despair.

...move on, dont look back.. and you'll meet new people and form friendships with people that are on your wavelength.

Also dont worry about spending some time alone while you get your confidence back.

This truly is a hard place to be. Everyone has given you really good advice.It's time for a change . Who knows? You might find the love of your life out there.

Justin, good to see you here again! I have said this before, but I say this again: get your butt on a plane to Amsterdam and I'll meet you in a bar.....we'll talk, we'll drink, you're gay, I'm straight.....what the fuck? Life can be hard on both sides. Be selective about the people you're with... I know you sometimes think I'm a jerk, but I think we could have a good time at a bar and maybe learn from one another! Do it!

Move to the States, I'll be your friend!

look how many people care about you! I'm truly sorry that you had to suffer through such pain. Not all adults are grown-ups. There was no excuse for their behavior. But it also sounds like you may need to figure how to handle your anger without blowing up, which only causes you more pain/trouble. I hate when people gang up on others. Obviously those assholes are no longer your friends. Take the time to lick your wounds and know that for whatever it's worth there are people in the world (us and others) that care about you. It's not very easy making new friends as an adult, but as a gay male you've surely been up against social barriers before. This too shall pass.

And screw those insensitive, jack-ass morons. They envy your fabulousness.

cborgman said:

exactamundo. those cats are pretty fuckin low, tossing around "jokes" like that.

Hanging around the wrong people can skew your view of everyone else out there. In other words, if your so used to hearing all the ignorant remarks they make to you, it can imply everyone feels that way about you.

Maybe just get out of the loop, avoid the social scene for a while, change your number, and spend some time with yourself.

BinaryJustin said:

I'm so sorry 4 u...

I think that the main problem is that u've been knowing these folks 4 15 years: it often happens that people who don't evolve like a "perfectly normal folk" have problems like this with their teenage-era friends... It happened 2 me at a time, when i decided 2 b an artist & 2 live what was a freak's life in the eyes of some of my "normal" old friends.
These people took one direction & u took another one, it's just time u move 4ward & meet new friends, cuz these people don't seem 2 b any kind of a friend 4 u anyway... I don't know where u live & what u do, but i'm sure that u can find a way 2 meet people who have no problem with "queers" & don't praise Hiltler. Maybe meeting gay people would allow u 2 meet gay-friendly hetero people. Anyway u just have 2 accept that lotsa people r so damn afraid of whoever's different that they behave like shit! It's the way things r, thanx heaven there r also lotsa people who just happen 2 love other people, no matter if they r gay or black or freaky or whatever as long as they behave with respect towards other people. I sincerly wish u'll meet some of'em very soon. Take care.
[Edited 9/25/05 14:42pm]

Don't be depressed, be happy that you've grown, and are grown enough to know what's good for you and what's not.

Get up tomorrow morning and start a new life.

Do something new, and meet new people.

You'll be great kid, I know it.

i've read the replies and i must say ur an incredible group of people.

BinaryJustin, don't take there insults and cruelty personal. I know that statement sounds ridiculously difficult but it honestly isn't about u. What it is about is their insecurities. Adults simply do not behave this way. If things r said or done that r regreted then they r handled and mature individuals go on. Sounds 2 me these folx r stuck in a high school mode of complete pettiness and u don't need that type of negativity invading ur spirit. Do urself a favor and don't dwell on their comments another moment. Instead focus on what u have learned from the situation and use it 2 grow and move on.

u'll be fine everyone goes thru dayz when the clouds seem heavy, it's what makes the sun feel so wonderful when it shines thru.

(((BinaryJustin )))

XX.

Holy shit.....

With friends like those.....ya know what I mean?


Fuck em. I have outgrown many friends, in many ways. But my little circle of best friends are there, thick and thin. I don't think you need much more than that. I'm fairly homophobic in real life, but would never insult someone, especially a so called "friend.

Here's a net

Those "friends" are dickheads. You're better than them and deserve better than that.

I went through a sort of sublimation of toxic friendships phase about 4 years ago. It took about 2 years, but it’s finally over. I’ve pretty much dismissed all my bad influences. Have I replaced them? No, not really. But there is a satisfaction in knowing that I was able to move beyond the “bad vibes” and emotional luggage some people tend to dump on you.

The fact of the matter, Justin, is that nobody has a right to make you feel like you’re the ass of the world, just because of who you are. And if they are so superficial and careless about the way they treat you, there opinions are not worth taking stock in. As a matter of fact, their opinions are shit. You are not the problem, they are.

As twisted as my advise is going to sound, I recommend you turn your hurtful feelings and sadness into anger. You deserve to be angry as hell at them. And find ways to channel that anger towards improving your life. Being in your thirties does not mean it’s impossible to meet new friends. Yes, it’s difficult. But not impossible.

I’m going some personal issues of my own right now, but I’m working my way out of it, and I can tell you—there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And whether those assholes are at the other end of it or not, at this point should not matter to you. Find happiness. If you really want it, you’ll find it. You deserve better.

I've only just realised that one of them must have been messing with my mobile phone too. They've deleted a ringtone I'd paid for and changed the name of the phone's profile to "Wanker".

I forgot to say, but when I stormed out of the pub, the can of soup was thrown at my head by one of them. It missed and fell on the ground in front of me. I do feel angry about it all. I won't accept apologies and I'm unwilling to apologise for my (admittedly) dramatic exit.

Thanks to everybody who's replied.

BinaryJustin said:

U're welcome. Take care & stay away from these insane bastards !!!

Those people r not friends, they r not even people.

U have NOTHING 2 b ashamed of.
U have EVERYTHING 2 b proud of.

Don't try 2 hard 2 find friendships.
These things happen. They will come, n time...

love