AzureStarr said:

That's nice to hear. Thank you.

DexMSR said:

I tried different configurations, from free-couple where i didn't give a damn about them going with others, 2 more serious stuff where i got hurt a lot by some cheating. Now i know that, though the free-couple thing was cool, it ain't what i'm looking 4 anymore. So then comes a deal of trusting each other. With it comes the possibility of beying betrayed. With it comes the possibility of suffering.

I tried 2 4give, i tried 2 4get, precisely because my love was so deep, all that... but in the end i never really could & it always came back between us some way or another. Now i know that, should it happen again in my life, i'll go away as soon as i know it. Even if i have 2 cry on my own 4 leaving. No matter how deep is my love. Might seem 2 b radical, but as a dream recently told me : "the heart never 4gets". I know that i always trust my partners, i ain't the jealous kind... until one gives me a reason 2 b afraid. Then i become a paranoid MF, which of course doesn't behave like a macho jerk, but silently suffers inside from his fears. So if some future girlfriend wanna cheat on me, she better not tell me about it, or she'll lose me. No matter how hard & painful it is 4 me 2 leave.

...
[Edited 8/22/05 17:46pm]
[Edited 8/22/05 17:48pm]

luv4u said:

Just a thought.

What if you discovered, after some serious soul searching, that it was really you (behavior, attitude or whatever) that drove your partner to make this decision.

Would you feel the same way?


tA
France countdown - T-Minus 3 days and counting.

Tribal Disorder

http://www.soundclick.com...rmusic.htm

theAudience said:

I don't see how one can drive a person to cheat on them, no one can make you do anything you don't want to do. The cheater made the decision to cheat. If the person really cared about his/her partner that thought would not have entered their minds about cheating.

luv4u said:

Understood.

I only aimed the question at you because when I read your response I flashed back to when the movie The Bridges of Madison County was out. The commentary from 99.9% of women boiled down to "It was so romantic." If the question of her infidelity was brought up, the common response was that her husband, "Drove her to it."

I'm willing to bet that if the genders had been reversed, and it was a married man committing the adultry, they wouldn't have felt the same way.

tA
France countdown - T-Minus 3 days and counting.

Tribal Disorder

http://www.soundclick.com...rmusic.htm

I think that infidelity has different reasons for man and women. I think for men it is more a physical thing as they are caught up in the moment after a few beers or something and I think women cheat on their partner when there is an emotional aspect missing in the relationship. However, I think in both cases it could have an emotional aspect as well, because if the partner makes the other one feel special and loved and attractive, they don't need to find "confirmation" with some1 else.

Personally I feel that the "innocence" of the relationship will die the minute infidelity comes into play. The intense feeling of being a solid "we" will suffer serious damage, which (for me) is one of the most important feelings I need to be and stay committed to the relationship. Communication is and will always be the most important factor so as one of the partners in this solid relationship feel that there is something lacking, and they talk about it, they should be able to solve this issue before hand.

If that is not possible, then I don't think that "working things out afterwards" will be easier, since the "together we are one"-feeling is suffering such damage already. However, if I think about the dept of my love for my man righnow, I would probably not leave him, should it have already happened. Because I want to raise a family and grow old with him. Leaving him will not make that possible. People make mistakes. We'd all be God if we didn't. I think the pain of feeling cheated on will take a while to heal and the trust will have to be built up again, but that pain would never be as unbearable than the pain I will feel when I am separated from him.

What missfee says though. I have lived by this "moto" throughout my life: "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me". I've experienced infidelity in my past and I sincerely hope I will never have to go through that again. It just causes unnecessary drama and stress in the relationship and that one orgasm really isn't worth it. Especially when there are children into play. That is the mother or father of your children you are cheating on. Surely that one pussy cannot have more value than that precious bond you share through your wife and kids. My dad once said: "When your focus and commitment is on and with your family you wouldn't even find yourself in situations where adultery could happen. And should you find yourself in such a situation: just think about your partner and kids and leave. That is what makes a man a gentleman."

"That's all I have to say about that"

shaomi said:

I agree with that. I wouldn't want to know and I wouldn't want to see the "signs" of it in my relationship either, like him not coming home for a whole night after going out.

However: with the HIV in the world these days, I think cheating is like Russian Roulette. Your faithfull partner will risk having HIV due to your own "spur of the moment actions" so I would really hope at least a condom was used. The cheating will not cause the most damage. The trust that is broken and the fear of the other that he or she will be cheated on again, will come into play every time a night out is planned, which is the main reason stress is built up in the relationship. So I'd rather not know either.

DexMSR said:

I wouldnt either

We had had many many talks ... if it's something he ( we ) want we have the understanding and respect for each other to talk about it 1st

and yes, this works
and yes we have had these "talks"
and yes we still love

and HELL NO i wouldnt throw our life down the drain over a basic human instinct or desire



Whap baby !!

Dex, I would probably take my ex back. That is the gods honest truth. It's always nice to hear someone say what you said, it gives the hopeless like me hope.

AzureStarr said:

as do i

jerseykrs said:

Brotha...I am contacting alot of my committed friends and family members on alot of aspects of their relationships and must admit that most of the women in these relationships "didn't" wish to know. And they (well most) did say that they understood the lack of emotional attachment their husbands had in their wayward desires and chose to stay in the marriage as they knew what they had when they said "I do" or whatever.

I have another friend who is away on business and I asked his wife what she thinks about him being away so much, and she told me "we speak about this aspect of our lives quite often and juggling two high powered careers with the kids schedules as well, there is little time for our own affections and if he chose to bed someone while away or out, then I tell him before he goes anywhere to "Have fun, and Be Careful". She also went on to say...."I never question his trust in us or anything when he is going away. We are building and establishing a great future with each other and I will love this man for what he is as this is the person I have given my heart fully to." "I am not going to change him, and I love him for exactly who he is."

Great Thread contributions people.....

retina said:

retina said:

nevermind.
[Edited 8/23/05 16:43pm]

I don't see the sex with another person all in itself what's bad. For instance, I know Face had sex with various women before me, and after me, and then again with me. The idea he's put his Jimmy in another woman's mouth/vagina/ass whatever isn't that big of a deal. The sex is the most unimportant part of it.

What it gets right down to is this: Were my significant other to SNEAK off and fuck some other woman and not say a word about it, it would be the TRUST that would be an issue. Trust and respect are important, and how can I trust anyone who would betray me in such a way and lie?

Were I to know beforehand, well now... that's a horse of a different color, innit?

Nero said:

U play "point-counterpoint" really well....HOW IS YOUR MASTURBATION TECHNIQUE?

DexMSR said:

Excellent, thankfully.

Well, I've been in this situation and I really rather not go there again. I thought I would be so progressive that I could just view the infidelity as "Just sex". I'm definitely someone who understands that sex and love are different BUT should they always be separated? No. At some point, we have to get out of this notion that we are like animals and we just gotta have it whenever we want it and that we should just blow off infidelity as just being sex. I dont buy into that as much as I use to.

And even in an open relationship, it all comes down to trust, as Nero has said.


At the end of the day, if you're committed to the relationship, yes, stay and work it out. Make it work. If it happens again.....cut his dick off.

retina said:[quote]

todd305 said:

My apologies for the confusion. I wasn't commenting on the full extent of my relationship situations. I merely put forth an example which demonstrated that love and sex do not necessarily coexist, despite one's best efforts (there was sex in the first relationship mentioned, just not vaginal (or anal, thank you very much ). My experiences have prompted me to look at the question that was initially posted in a different way. A few years ago, I would not have forgiven a physical indiscretion under any circumstances. I don't see it as such a black-and-white issue anymore.

Rhondab said:

"The Diary of a .....

I was sitting here listening to Todd Rundgren's...



...Nearly Human

When I heard a tune that reminded me of this thread.

Fidelity
I've been hurt
I've never been so hurt
Yes, and only you know why
But I would be far more hurt if we had to say good bye

When I think that it's all or nothing
I tell myself

True love does not demand fidelity
If there's one sacred place always in your heart for me

Time has come
I knew the time would come
When someone would want to be more than friends
But we had a love so sweet
I thought the dream would never end

If my love could not withstand this jealousy
I'd remember the day I threw away our eternity

Has no plan, things will happen we don't understand
One day the glove is on the other hand
And when you think that it's all or nothing
Just tell yourself

If our love could not withstand this jealousy
We'd remember the day we threw away our eternity

If it's true love, it does not demand fidelity
Oh it hurt me so bad
But I can't help but love you for eternity
I know we got a true love


Beautiful tune from a beautiful record.


tA

Tribal Disorder

http://www.soundclick.com...dID=182431

If she cheated i would be kicking her ass to the curb. She would not know what hit her. Because all i would be able to see everytime i looked at her would be her screwing someone else. See ya sister.

He would never cheat, he'd ask permission first





typo edit
[Edited 9/3/05 9:47am]

if i ever find a/my soulmate i wouldn't make it so cut and dry as "that's it, u cheated get the fuck out." if it were a mere 'lay' and not an emotionally intense thang it would be easier 2 handle tho. i would feel more betrayed if my man had 2 go 2 another woman 4 his emotional needs... but then again i would never put him in the position 2 have that need filled somewhere else so it's a moot point.
[Edited 9/3/05 15:42pm]

I have new found respect for DEX.

The love of my life constantly cheated on me and was honest about it after each time it happened. It was tough but I would forgive him. BUT after 8 years I got tired of it so I broke up with him. I still consider him the love of my life.


M
[Edited 9/3/05 15:57pm]

MIGUELGOMEZ said:

Good for you!!

I don't think I'd put up with it- maybe once, but the relationship would never be the same. Were you faithful to him?

CynthiasSocks said:

I actually was. At one point he had the nerve to say "Why don't we do it this way. I get to see other people and you don't. And that's because you're not like me." I was pissed. I told him that I was as horny as he was and I could go and mess around too, it's just that I didn't want to because I was in a relationship.


M

MIGUELGOMEZ said:

I see- much better without him, but you know that!


What a pig! And I've loved a few too!

CynthiasSocks said:

Of course NOW, after I helped him go to cosmetology school, he has been a hairdresser for over 10 years and make about $150,000 a year. Oh yeah, he's boyfriend, that he has been with for about 6 years is reaping the benefits. Bitter? Yes....


M

MIGUELGOMEZ said:

He's new boyfriend is spending his money and fucking behind his back. Don't be bitter- what goes around comes around!

CynthiasSocks said:

Get this. They had an "open relationship" from day one. BUT my ex has gained weight so he doesn't go out to get some anymore but his boyfriend does. I feel bad because he has really grown up. I think open relationships are fine if it works for the couple. I don't know if I could do it though.


M