Just days ago, your sweetie was holding you in his arms, telling you how special you are, and how much he loves you. Now three days have gone by and he hasn’t even called! You may even share the same bed and yet you feel like he doesn’t even know that you’re there! Why does it seem like he has you up on a pedestal one moment, and at other times, you feel like you’re last on his list? Sometimes it feels like feast or famine when it comes to getting his attention… Is this some version of male PMS?

Absolutely not; although it really can feel like it! This is actually a very normal process that most men go through in intimate relationships. Called the “rubber band” or the male intimacy cycle, it’s when a man vacillates between being close to his partner and pulling away. Men do this for many reasons. The most important reason is to connect with their more masculine side and to focus on the activities that make them a good provider and partner. While this is a normal, and natural, part of all healthy relationships, it is also very confusing to women. In fact, according to the women who visit MarsVenus.com, it is the biggest source of frustration and pain in their relationships.

Why do men need to pull away?
After experiencing the closeness and intimacy of a partnership, the “we” state, men need to regain their sense of self with the “me” state. After that relationship pause he is ready to experience more intimacy. For most men, intimacy is like an all-you-can-eat buffet. They experience it, enjoy it and then become full. They need time and space to feel hungry again.
In healthy relationships, men do not pull away out of anger or frustration about their relationship. If your partner is pulling away out of anger, or is simply avoiding you, there is likely something else going on. Also, rubber banding does not happen when a couple is newly in a relationship. This cycle evolves over time. If he is pulling away early on in the relationship, there are likely other issues affecting his interest that may or may not be related to you.

Reactions by women that may push men away further:
Unfortunately, this cycle can be quite upsetting to a woman. They wonder, "Is it me? Did I do something wrong? Does he still love me?" These painful thoughts often cause women to chase their partner demanding an explanation,“Why haven’t you called me?” or “What’s wrong?” When a woman reacts to the rubber band by chasing, it can cause a man to pull away even more- perhaps stretching until the rubber band breaks. He may feel pressured by concerns that his partner doesn’t trust him, or even that he is incapable of making her happy.

Other times, women convince themselves that it's “wrong” to contact their partner; that they must refrain from even talking, and that whoever talks first loses. Of course, while they are determined not to fold, they are also waiting by the phone, checking their voice mail, checking their e-mail or checking that lump in bed lying beside them for signs of life.



Any thoughts?

Interesting

It explains a lot about one guy I know although my partner isn't like this (but I do give him a lot of space to see his friends and do his own thing, so maybe he doesn't feel the need to "rubberband").

Thanks for posting it elusive.

No problem reincarnate.

"Other times, women convince themselves that it's “wrong” to contact their partner; that they must refrain from even talking, and that whoever talks first loses. Of course, while they are determined not to fold, they are also waiting by the phone, checking their voice mail, checking their e-mail or checking that lump in bed lying beside them for signs of life."
Im kind of going through this right now. Although we aren't a couple..just someone Im lusting over

Reincarnate said:

Thats good that you give your partner plenty of space. I think it's so easy to lose yourself when you are involved with someone. Both people need their own space and not be up in each others face 24/7.

This sounds like a description of my ex girlfriend.

I wish I had someone to give any affection to honestly.

elusivefatale said:

Thankyou. I think it's mainly due to us being together for such a long time. I've always believed that you need to retain your identity in any relationship but have to admit I did used to get a little jealous if he went out with girls and stuff. Now it really doesn't worry me. I take the view that if he's going to be unfaithful, he'll do it whether or not I complain about it

We each have space (sometimes too much actually) to persue our own interests and friendships.

The other guy I mentioned is definately a rubberband type of guy. He gets space, but often recoils if feelings or "love" is mentioned. Chalk and cheese.