So here's the deal in a nut shell. My best friend just started dating this guy I know. I've known him since I was 16 and here is his "track" record:

Alcoholic
has pancreatitis (sp?) because of his alcoholism
Still drinks heavily
Ex-heroin addict
has Hepatitis C
35 lives at home with mommy and daddy
smells bad and is pretty much a disgusting person all around

Next week we're all going away on vacation, every year I rent a home in Martha's Vineyard. We all split the cost and she wants him to come for a night or two. I do not want him there, neither does my boyfriend, or her sister or her sister's boyfriend.

Am I wrong to say he can't come? I told her already that if he *must* come then I will make arrangements to go out for the whole day so I don't have to see him. I refuse to hang out with them when he is around and she knows this. But what happens if she asks if he can stay the night? We just changed the car reservation to her truck because it's bigger, I wish I hadn't but I did and I don't want to get burned at the last minute.

Please give me your honest opinion.

Tell her to stop dating Althom.

Byron said:

Does she understand why you dont like him, and why you dont want him to be around

My honest opinion ...

I think if you want to keep your best friend, you need to accommodate him in some way. You're placing her in a position where she has to choose between you and her new boyfriend and it may cost you a friendship.

Unfortunately, she wants to spend time with him at the moment and you getting in the way of this may mean that you take the fall and end up being the bad guy.

If you can, set the ground rules before the vacation so that the situation does not arise where he ends up staying and/or drinking to excess and spoiling your holiday.

ella731 said:

That's the problem, when it comes to guys she doesn't care. Everything goes in one ear and out the other. This guy is the worst one yet. The other day he was bragging about doing 4 shots of vodka before getting on his motorcycle and going to her house. And then whips out a bottle of gatorade mixed with vodka. He used to shoot heroin, has Hep C and still drinks heavily...how much more do you need to know to determine he's a scum bag?

CarrieLee said:

Straight answer from Byron: maybe all of you should voice your concerns together, and not just you. His presence is effecting the entire experience of everyone from how you voiced it...she should realize what her desires are causing in others, especially when money's involved.

Reincarnate said:

I'm at the point where I just can't deal with this shit anymore. She knows I have been very stressed with issues of my own and then she expects me to welcome this guy into the house that *I* arrange to have every year? What if he gets out of control and then I lose this deal?

CarrieLee said:

Just tell her that, and make sure the rest of you taht are going, tell her the same thing at the same time, so you dont look to be the bad guy.
[Edited 8/15/05 10:10am]

CarrieLee said:

I think you can only be honest with her on this. Unfortunately, honesty when it comes to best friend's boyfriends does not always turn out good

Good luck girl

Byron said:

Her sister is going to talk to her this week. My Rubes is going to talk to her when we're there. I have already told her what I think.

It's not a whole lot of money we're talking about. I get a really good deal because I know the people who rent the house to me. I don't want this guy to screw it up because he decides to be a moron.

I don't know who is worse. A guy who is actually like that or the woman who finds him attractive. I think your girlfriend has major issues as well. Tell her you don't want him there.

Knowing you Carrie, you have already expressed to her your opinion.

Don't compromise yourself..

She doesn't have to choose, she just has to know how uncomfortable it feels to be around him... And quite honestly, he can't be trusted.

Be straight forward with her and tell her nobody in the group wants him there to spoil their vacation (the point of going on vacation is to relax and enjoy yourselves). If you begrudgedly agree that he can visit you will still be resentful about it and it will spoil your time away,

Also, consider inviting a single male friend that you do approve of to introduce her to so that she doesn't feel like an oddball amongst all the couples. It kinda seems like she has self-esteem issues if she will settle for the guy you just described. Maybe she just needs to know that she is deserving of someone better - and to focus on acheiving that.

Reincarnate said:

I have been nothing BUT honest with her. I look like the bad guy right now, and I told her that I already know this. She will see my side when it doesn't work out, and it won't work out.

I've spoken to people I work with and they say I have every right to tell her he can't come. I just didn't want it to come to this. I think I will tell her he isn't allowed in the house, and she can have the car for the day to do whatever she wants with him. I hate this shit.

MuaPetahl said:

She won't be the only single one there. We've dealt with these issues many times. She's dated a crack head before and I was on her ass all the time about that. I asked her what happened in her life that she has to date these awful men. She's just desperate and pathetic when it comes to dating. She is a beautiful girl but has no self esteem. I have tried to fix her up with nice guys and she wants nothing to do with them. They are boring to her.

It's your best friend, Carrie! Just freaking tell her he's not wanted.
She'll get mad at you, get into a fight with you and in a couple of days/weeks/months she'll realize you were right. If she's that good a friend, you just have to get through it.

Get her to open her eyes. :grrr:

AlfofMelmak said:

I do tell her, all the time. It really makes me so sad

He's not even good looking, if he were then at least there would be one reason to be attracted to him. His face looks like road kill.

.
[Edited 8/15/05 10:22am]

Does she simply block out everyone's past objections? You'd think that she would reach this conclusion on her own at some point.

orgnote

yikes! so is your friend paying her share of the rental?
hmm, either way I think the fact that you know the people who rent you the house at a good rate should be the reason you can say...NO, he can't come here, sorry. It's just too big a risk for you to take. He's a liability.
I think you should say no, flat out no. cause I'm thinking that if you give them an inch...they will take a mile, one or 2 days will turn in to most or all of the week....and it would be worse for him to come there, spend the day with her and then be told, no you can't come in..actually I don't think she'd tell him that...I think they come on in at the end of the day ready to get their drink on with you guys!
oh lord..good luck with that!

Honestly, you have to make sure she knows how you feel, which I gather she knows.

But just as a different side to this situation. My friends did this to me when I started dating Chris.

My friends and many other people i associate with told me how bad of a person he was, and got in my face, to the point where they dont talk to me, and I dont talk to them anymore.

Sadly to them, Chris and I are still together HAPPILY in fact.

ella731 said:

If you don't mind me asking, what were their objections to Chris??...

Byron said:

hah

Ok

He is a recovering alcoholic, he has been clean almost 12 years
he has been married twice first one was when he was still drinking, which was an awful mess, and the second was when he was starting his first 5 years
and lets say his attitude towards things have in the past been less than desirable

ella731 said:

I think that when you're several years removed from the "questionable" issues, the objections tend to lose their importance...if it's been only months, though, you look for signs that the issues are still there. Which is a good thing...it's hard to gage sincerity when it comes to personal change and growth.

Byron said:

again we are talking a large difference, but I also live in a very small community, and he has just newly moved back in the past two years, the only thing people will ever remember around here is that when he was 23 he was an extremely mean young man, that would fight at the drop of the hat, male or female.

but he also now is 35 years old.
clean
sober
and has great support and love from his family.


I have NEVER had anyone treat me with so much respect and actually listen to what I say and my opinions, and not just staring at my physical attributes




Oh shit carrie, i didnt mean to jack


I hope everything works out, and try not to let it upset you so taht it ruins your vacation



[Edited 8/15/05 11:13am]

ella731 said:

Beautiful... I love hearing women say that about the men they're involved with...too large a percentage of my male brethren need help in the "Respect" department when it comes to women. And yeah, 12 years is a long time to give to true change...and it should be acknowledged, and valued.

Reincarnate said:

i disagree.

if carrie is the one who has traditionally been the hostess for these gatherings, and if her pal already knew the new boyfriend isn't carrie's favorite, then it is her PAL who hurled the first 'rock of rudeness' by even suggesting that new boyfriend be included.

btw i'd cancel the whole thing and re-schedule for another time rather than let a guy like that potentially fuck up my holiday. he sounds like an arrest waiting to happen. just my 2c
[Edited 8/15/05 11:22am]

tell her how you exactly feel and how you don't want to jeopardize your relationship with her and that you understand she cares for him but there has to be some limits. Tell her that there will be no drinking in excess...set ground rules and tell her everyone is going to follow them in order to have a great time. Hell I would tell her like that if shes your friend hse should understand too and not be so inconsiderate.

Byron said:

Ya you'd think, right? But not with her. She always has to have a man in her life, it's like she's so ridiculously desperate she'll take the first one that show's any interest in her. It's like her motto is "If you're not a loser I don't want you"