the best zingers:

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
[edit]
Austin Powers
My god, Vanessa's got a fabulous body... and I bet she shags like a minx. Uh-oh. It appears that I've lost the ability to control my inner monologue.
Allow myself to introduce..... myself. My name is Richie Cunningham and this is my lovely wife Oprah.
Austin Powers... danger's my middle name.
Groovy, baby!
Let me ask you a question, and be honest - do I make you horny?
Yeah, baby, yeah!
Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later? How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? You know, top and tails... whore's bath? Personally before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how's-your-father!
Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich.
I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working.
That ain't no woman! It's a man, baby!
Well, no offense, but if that is a woman it looks like she was beaten with an ugly stick!
She's the village bicycle! Everybody's had a ride.
[filling out a form] Name? Austin Danger Powers. Sex? Yes please!
[entering the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swingers' Club] This is my happening and it freaks me out!
Au contraire baby, you can't resist me.
That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!
Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby, yeah, do I?
[to Vanessa] I think you're shagedelic, baby! You're switched on! You're smashing! You're shagadelic, baby!
It's freedom, baby, yeah!
Smashing, baby!
Wait Vanessa, I can explain. You see, I was looking for Dr. Evil when the Fembots came out and smoke started coming out of their jumblies. So I started to work my mojo, to counter their mojo; we got cross-mojulation, and their heads started exploding.
Pardon me for being rude. It was not me, it was my food. It just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down below.
It's time to swing, baby.
[Austin tries to resist to Fembots] Baseball, cold showers, baseball, cold showers. [One of the fembots stands over him and opens her legs] Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!
[Austin Powers sees a man sitting in the corner of the restroom] Excuse me, but you didn't happen to see... [Austin looks at the man and sees that he is blind] ...anything at all.
[]
Doctor Evil
That's Doctor Evil. I didn't spend six years in evil medical school to be called "Mister" thank you very much.
Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?
Throw me a frickin' bone here!
The details of my life are quite inconsequential.... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with a low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I suggest you try it.
Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes Mr. Powers? I designed them myself.
That makes me angry, and when Dr. Evil gets angry Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, people DIE!
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins.
I like to see girls of that... caliber. [pause] By "caliber," of course, I refer to both the size of their gun barrels and the high quality of their characters... Two meanings... caliber... it's a homonym... Forget it.
Finally, we come to my number two man. His name? Number Two.
There's nothing quite as pathetic as an aging hipster.
I demand the sum... OF 1 MILLION DOLLARS.
[edit]
Others
Scott Evil: Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don't speak English there, so Jay got into a fight and he's all, "Hey quit hasslin' me cuz' I don't speak French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I'm like, "Just back off!" And they're all, "Get out!" And we're like, "Make me!" It was cool.
Paddy O'Brien: They're always after me lucky charms. [Dr. Evil and Frau Farbissina laugh] What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They ARE after me lucky charms!
Cowboy: [Looking at the man that Austin Powers had drowned and left in the toilet] Jesus Christ, boy! What did you eat?
Frau Farbissina: Send in the FEMBOTS!
[edit]
Dialogue
Alotta Fagina: Some sake, Mr. Cunningham?
Austin Powers: Sake it to me baby!

-----

Scott Evil: Want me to kill him for you?
Dr. Evil: Sh!
'Scott Evil: It's no hassle...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: But...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: All I'm say...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: There gonna get a...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm just...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: Would...
Dr. Evil: Sh!... Knock-knock.
Scott Evil: Who's there?
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: But...
Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.

-----

Vanessa Kensington: Mr. Powers, I would never have sex with you, ever! If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.
Austin Powers: What's your point, Vanessa?

-----

Austin Powers: That's Dr. Evil's cat!
Vanessa Kensington: How can you tell?
Austin Powers: I never forget a pussy... cat.

-----

Quartermaster Clerk: [returning Austin's personal property after reanimating him] One Swedish-made penis enlarger.
Austin Powers: [to Vanessa] That's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
Quartermaster Clerk: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Austin Powers.

-----

Vanessa Kensington: Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about Miss Fagina. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry.
Austin Powers: No, don't be sorry, baby. You're right to be suspicious. I shagged her.
Vanessa Kensington: What?
Austin Powers: I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!
Vanessa Kensington: Did you at least use protection ?
Austin Powers: Of course. I had my 9mm automatic.
Vanessa Kensington: You know I meant, did you use a condom?
Austin Powers: No, only sailors wear condoms baby.
Vanessa Kensington: Not in the '90s Austin.
Austin Powers: Well they should, those filthy beggars. They go from port to port.

-----

Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers
Scott Evil: What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?
Dr. Evil: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.

-----

Dr. Evil: All right guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.
[guard starts dipping mechanism]
Dr. Evil: Close the tank!
Scott Evil: Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away!
Dr. Evil: No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?
Scott Evil: I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out!
Dr. Evil: Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.

-----

Scott Evil: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet.
Dr. Evil: An evil vet?
Scott Evil: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo.
Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo?
Scott Evil: You always do that!

-----

Scott Evil: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.
Therapist: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.
Dr. Evil: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man.

-----

[Austin and Vanessa see a man decapitated]
Austin Powers: Not the time to lose one's head.
Vanessa Kensington: No.
Austin Powers: That's not the way to get ahead in life.
Vanessa Kensington: No.
Austin Powers: It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.
Vanessa Kensington: Hmm.
Austin Powers: He'll never be the head of a major corporation.
Vanessa Kensington: Okay, that'll do.
Austin Powers: Okay.

-----

Vanessa Kensington: That's you in a nutshell.
Austin Powers: No, this is me in a nutshell: "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? What kind of shell has a nut like this?"

-----

Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?
Number Two: Sea Bass.
Dr. Evil: [pause] Right.
Number Two: They're mutated sea bass.
Dr. Evil: Are they ill tempered?
Number Two: Absolutely.
Dr. Evil: Oh well, that's a start.

-----

Alotta Fagina: In Japan, men come first and women come second.
Austin Powers: Or sometimes not at all.

-----

Scott Evil: I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab!
Dr. Evil: Scott, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly.

-----

Basil Exposition: Austin, the Cold War is over!
Austin Powers: Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh comrades? Eh?
Basil Exposition: Austin... we won.
Austin Powers: Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism!

-----

Austin Powers: Hey! There you are!
Tourist: Hi... do I know you?
Austin Powers: No, but that's where you are! You're there!

-----

Austin Powers: What exactly do you do, Mr. Number Two?
Number Two: That's my business. Now if you'll excuse, I have to go to the little boys' room.

-----

Cowboy: Whoo! That is one crazy get-up, mister... Are you in the show?
Austin Powers: No, actually, I'm English.
Cowboy: Oh... sorry.

-----

Number Two: My name is Number Two and this is Alotta Fagina.
Austin Powers: Come again?
Alotta Fagina: Alotta Fagina
Austin Powers: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it, it sounds like you said your name was a lot of um... never mind!

-----

Frau Farbissina: Remember when we froze your semen? You said that if it didn't look like you were coming back we should try to create an heir so a part of you would live forever?
Dr. Evil: Oh sure.
Frau Farbissina: Well, after a couple of years we got a little... impatient. Dr Evil, I would like you to meet your son.
Dr. Evil: My son?
Frau Farbissina: Ja. SCOTT!
[Scott enters]
Dr. Evil: Hello Scott.
Scott Evil: Hi.
Dr. Evil: I'm your father. Dr Evil.
Scott Evil: I haven't seen you my whole life and now you just show up and expect a relationship? I hate you. [Dr. Evil approaches Scott] What?
Dr. Evil: Can I have a hug?
Scott Evil: No.
Dr. Evil: Give me a hug.
Scott Evil: No way.
Dr. Evil: Come on. Let's go. Pronto.
Scott Evil: What are you doing?
Dr. Evil: I'm with it. I'm hip. Tak-a-tak-a-tak-a-tak-a [Dr. Evil dances the Macarena] Well, don't look at me like I'm friggin' Frankenstein! Come here and give your father a hug.
Scott Evil: Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!
[Dr. Evil runs after him with his arms out]
Dr. Evil: Hug, hug, hug.

-----

Casino Dealer: 17.
Number Two: [After scanning the deck with his x-ray eye patch] Hit me.
Casino Dealer: You have 17, sir.
Number Two: I like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer: [Hit for four] 21. Very good, sir.
Casino Dealer: [To Austin] 5.
Austin Powers: [waves his hands over his cards] I'll stay.
Casino Dealer: I suggest you hit, sir.
Austin Powers: I also like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer: [flips his cards over] 20 beats your 5 sir. I'm sorry, sir.
Austin Powers: Well I must admit, cards aren't my bag, baby.

-----

Austin Powers: [Austin is drowning a man in the toilet] Who does Number Two work for? Who does Number Two work for?
Cowboy: Yeah, that's it! You show that turd who's boss.

-----

Austin Powers: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Basil Exposition: The shouting is a temporary side-effect of the unfreezing.
Austin Powers: Yes... I'm having difficulty controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE.

-----

Alotta Fagina: How dare you break wind before me
Austin Powers: I'm sorry I didn't realize it was your turn
[edit]
Taglines
If he were any cooler, he'd still be frozen, baby!
Frozen in the 60's... thawing spring '97, baby!
Debonair. Defiant. Defrosted.
[edit]
Cast
Mike Myers - Austin Powers/Dr. Evil
Elizabeth Hurley - Vanessa Kensington
Michael York - Basil Exposition
Mimi Rogers - Mrs. Kensington
Robert Wagner - Number Two
Seth Green - Scott Evil
Fabiana Udenio - Alotta Fagina
Mindy Sterling - Frau Farbissina
Paul Dillon - Patty O'Brien
Charles Napier - Commander Gilmour
Will Ferrell - Mustafa
[edit]
External links
Wikipedia has an article about Austin Powers.Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery quotes at the Internet Movie Database
[edit]
Austin Powers: The Spy who Shagged Me (1999)
[edit]
Austin Powers
[Austin picks up a boiling pot, with a stool sample from Fat Bastard inside]

Austin: "Basil, this coffee smells like shit."
Basil: "It is shit, Austin."
Austin: "Oh, well, it's not just me then."
[Drinks]

Austin: [Smacks lips] "It's a bit nutty."



"The 70s and the 80s? I've looked into it. There's a gas shortage and A Flock of Seagulls. That's about it."
"You stole my mojo!"
"I can't believe that Vanessa was a fem-bot all along. Wait a tick, that means I'm single again!"
[edit]
Doctor Evil
"Austin.... I am your father." [Austin:Really?, Dr Evil:No, I can't back that up]
"FIRE THE LASER!"
"Mini-Me... stop humping the laser!"
"The world is mine! The world is mine!"
"Release the metor"
"We don't gnaw on our kitty"
"I've turned the moon into what I like to call a 'death star'"
"Why make trillions when we can make...billions?"
"Mini-Me...are you hungry?...Something to eat?...Not even a Hot Pocket?...An Eggo?"
"You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil--Just one calorie, not evil enough."
"I just have one simple request...and that's to have sharks with fricken LASER BEAMS attached to their heads"
"Mini-Me you complete me"
[edit]
Fat Bastard
"Baby back, Baby back ribs. CHILI'S baby back ribs."
"Mr. English Colonel, telling me to lose weight... Oh I'm a hard case he says, well listen up Sonny Jim.... I ate a baby! Oh aye, baby! The other other white meat."
[to Felicity] Of course I'm not happy. Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do. I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. I've not seen my willie in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead. [on the verge of tears] I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive... myself. [Farts]
[edit]
Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)
[edit]
Austin Powers
"Nice to mole you...meet you! Nice to meet you, Mole! "
[edit]
Doctor Evil
"Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to my new submarine lair. It's long and hard and full of seamen."
"Yes, on the whole, I think Preparation H feels good"
"Yeah Goldmember, I don't speak freaky dinky Dutch"
[edit]
Goldmember
Austin: "You're insane Goldmember!"
Goldmember: "(giggles) And that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it."(Mumbles "K.C. and the Sunshine Band")
Goldmember: "Hey everybody! I am from Holland! Isnt that veird?"
Goldmember: Dr. Evil, you look very toit, yes, toit like a tiger, yes yes yes. (Dr. Evil: Really?) Yes, you look like a macho man (Mumbles "Village People")

-----

Goldmember:"Austin Power's FARGER!"
Dr. Evil: "His What?"
Number 2: "His Farger, Dr. Evil."
Dr. Evil: "His Farter, what's a farter?"
Goldmember: "His Farger, ya know the Farger!"
Dr. Evil: "Yeah, Goldmember I don't speak freaky deaky Dutch, ok Perv-boy"
Goldmember: "Farger, his dad...dad is farger"
Dr. Evil: "Oh, his dad. Oh his FATHER"
Goldmember: "Yes, I have a Dutch accent...isn't that veird?"

-----

Goldmember: "Would you like a shmoke und a pancake?"
Austin: "No."
Goldmember: "You know, a flapjack und a shigarette? No?"
Austin: [Shakes Head]
Goldmember: "Shigar und a waffle? No?"
Austin: [Shakes Head]
Goldmember: "Pipe und a crepe? No?"
Austin: [Shakes Head]
Goldmember: "Bong und a blintz? No?"
Austin: [Shakes Head]
Goldmember: "Well, then there ish no pleashing you."
[edit]
Fat Bastard
It did sound a little wet, there didn't it? Right at the end! Oooh! Heh heh heh. Let's have a smell all right? Ooh, everyone likes their own brand, don't they? Oh, this is magic! Hmmm, wafting, wafting. Ok, anylisis. Ooh, smells like carrots in throw-up! Ooh that could gag a maggot! I smell like hot sick... ass on a dead carcass! Even stink would say that stinks! You know when you go into an apartment building and you smell the other people's cooking on each floor and you go "What are they cookin'?" That, plus crap!
[Edited 8/9/05 9:27am]

I loves me some Austin Powers!

I have a whole bag of SHH where that came from.

Throw Me a bone here people!

I didn't go to 8yrs of Evil Medical School to be call Mr.

Hot Molten Magma

That's not my bag baby!

I'm a fan
it's silly but I like it