i'm currently seeing a nice female who i am not really physically attracted to. everything else is great..we spend tons of time together, do lots of things together and i generally care for her. i don't want to spend anytime with anybody else really. but 5 months into this..i just can't pull the trigger and become intimate with her. i think subconsciously the problem is her weight. i knew she was a "healthy" woman when we met, and i really can honestly say she has a very pretty face...but when i see her with little or no clothing on...well you get the point. i just turned 37 so i'm trying to really move into that "substance" over "style" area..and believe me...she's the marrying kind. today she called and told me that she loved me (i don't fall in love in 5 months, never have)...i kinda said "thanks, and changed the subject.

my question is..how can i tell this wonderful woman that her weight is a slight turnoff without being insensitive? i really can see the long term potential of this relationship, but currently she's tipping the scale at over 250 lbs..i weigh 190 lbs.

i watched the movie "shallow hal" not too long ago (before i started seeing her...and i thought it was nice that this guy found his soulmate and saw her for her inner beauty, not her physical appearance.

help me out please.

oh for the love of god, you have GOT to be kidding me !!!!!

There's more to a person than their weight. If she got a great personality and is not a slob. Not every woman looks like Paris Hilton.

Guys don't know when they got a good thing going, I swear.

luv4u said:

that's the thing..i know she's a great lady....but this isn't that "a little extra pound here and there" type deal...for her height, she's genuinely about 40-50 lbs overweight. i wanted to suggest we join a gym together, or go walking..but we go out to eat and she doesn't always the most sensible meal if you're trying to watch your weight. it just seems this is a "take me for who i am" type deal... i met her when she was overweight, so i just don't think it's fair to tell her how to live her life. (my mom is overweight, so i know from growing up how shallow men can be when it comes to dating plus-size women)

meltwithu said:

It seems you got a great woman in your life, why you wanna destroy that?

Oh and read what you typed in parentheis ( ) above, you just answered your question.

Don't go into it trying to change her. Sure, you may be able to go to the gym together and stuff like that if you work on it together, but get used to her being the weight she is now. You need to be comfortable with that, rather than hope she can change herself or you can change her. It may happen, but it may well not. You need to want to be with her the way she is now.

meltwithu said:

Is it just the weight that makes her physically unattractive? If not, there is more to it than all the 'get over that
she's fat' comments on this thread.

straight answer: no! it doesn't work!

there is no delicate way of handling it.


No, it won't work. You have to be attracted to someone for the relationship to romantically work.

jerseykrs said:

True. If you are not attracted to someone.

....in a perfect world.


Unfortunately we are all conditioned certain ways. The relationship will not work because your heart is only half into it.

I've always been chubby and I know how difficult it is. The thing with me is that I prefer guys to be a little chubby.

I don't think there's a right or wrong. It's just what you're into and what turns you on.


M

You know, I tried dating someone I wasn't attracted to at all. He kept on pushing up so finally I did....Ten months later I'm still seing him and wow he's really surprised me. Great dude.

As far as you, I mean maybe you can encourage her to go to the gym with you?

And as far as being a female...I will never tell a man how much I feel unless he welcomes it. I must be very old fashioned, but that's just me.

You are being a great person, but maybe you went to extreme with it? THere are some women who can wear weight and some who cannot. (usually that means whether or not they work out). If it's an issue, can you find a way to "lead by example" a healthier lifestyle?

i don't even know if it's just weight issue...i just feel like i need a little more purpose in my life than just having non-commital sex. for example...today was a rough day all around at work ( i work high volume retail, if you didn't see my other thread). i just kind of wanted to be by myself when i got home, but she wanted to come over and watch a movie. I'm telling her i just want some "me" time tonight, that i'm tired mentally and physically. and of course she says, "well what can i do?" so i had to basically just come out and say i just wanted to be by myself tonight..she seemed a little hurt but said she'd find something else to do. there are just some days i don't like to be hugged and touched and have conversation ..today was just that kind of day. i think it kind of boils down to that she has found what she has looking for, and i'm just not there yet. i told her one month into our dating experience that it would be at least a year before i would even call this a relationship (she is free to date other people, as i am, but neither of us has)...she asked me about moving from my house into hers and i declined..telling her it's way too soon to be co-habitating without even knowing where we are going with this. this caused a big argument, of course.

Kinda. I'm friends with AsianBomb.

Fauxie said:

is he the guy you always say about that he's HAWT?

abierman said:

No, he's the guy who says that about anyone or anything with a pulse.

Fauxie said:

oh, I gues I don't have a pulse.....

meltwithu said:

Baby, you are going to have to set her strait. Being a female in the somewhat similar situation, (I've been called the exception to many men) I've learned to really fall back and ask for maybe a day out of my man's week. It sounds like she may be focusing so much on you and not enough on herself.

I don't know what you are going to do, but you should set her strait before you piss her off and make her want to slash your tires or something.

meltwithu said:

Amigo, this doesn't sound like it's (totally) about her weight. There are some pace and self-esteem issues here, the kind that can make a man feel a little skittish about moving forward. Talk to her openly and honestly.

abierman said:

Maybe you're just out of his league?

Fauxie said:

maybe yes.....quite happy about that!

KatSkrizzle said:

naww i don't think she's that type...i'm not "playing" her or anything...i think maybe she isn't used to somebody like me showing a genuine interest in her (not saying that i'm all that hot my damn self, but i get a lot of interest from the ladies)
i went with her to her niece's wedding last week (she said it was important, so i took the day off and went)...there were some nice slow songs that the deejay was playing that i could tell she really liked, so i downloaded them and made her a cd-r before we went to dinner the other night. she hasn't taken it out of her cd-changer yet. i really am a romantic guy and have a heart of gold...but the look in her eyes when she sees me is not the same i have in my eyes.
a lot of times i see a really nice looking female with a plain lookin guy that for all intent and purpose should have never landed a hot woman like that, so obviously she was looking for something more than just physical.

Na man.

Not to sound insensitive, but you should probabbly just dump her. It's not fair to you or her. Aren't there other people in your life whose company you enjoy, but you're not sexually attracted to, aka "friends"?

There are plenty of people out there who are sexually attracted to heavier people, if you're not one of them, there's no sense in having sex with her.

It's best that you break it off. We can't help who we are attracted to. There are guys that are turned on by fat chicks. You aren't one of them. Her being a great person is not enough if she does not turn you on.Cut it off and let her find one of those guys and you can go and find a hot girl you are attracted to.

Maybe you should suggest getting her jaw locked or something. That might help her lose those excess pounds and make you love her more.

luv4u said:

Thank heavens!

DO NOT even try to go there. There's no way of telling her "nicely" that her weight bothers you. It will end badly for everyone and make this poor woman even more self-conscious about her weight than she probably already is. You cannot change her. If I were you, I'd end it now. You gave it a try and it didn't work, so maybe you are better off moving on.

When I was in the 7th grade, I had a crush on a boy named Daniel Broadway. However, he told my friend at the time that he wouldn't date me because my breasts were not large enough for his liking. Ass! That affected me quite badly for the years to come. So I think it's best if you don't bring up the subject at all. Not even a little bit! It's a sensitive area and I feel for you on it.

That said, I do commend your honesty and persistence and investment. good luck!

Natsume said:

Well said Natsume!

Natsume said:

if he could see you now!