nakedpianoplayer said:

You know what? I gotta agree here.

I've been struggling with this one myself. On one hand, I can understand the notion that people can't help what they're attracted to. On the other, there are all sorts of folks that I wouldn't normally find as my version of attractive (my 'type' tends to be quite different than the usual) who once I got to know them, I find them downright hot, for various reasons. Attraction really does work that way for me.

As others have stated, it's gotta be more than the weight that's bothering you. I don't know. I gotta think if it's truly meant to be, you'd be able to see past what you consider a flaw to all the other wonderful things this woman has to offer you. Since it appears you can't, as said also, best to let her go. As quickly as possible.

ufoclub said:

True..for me, there has to be a physical attraction. But we all have our own definition of beauty. There are some women I find attractive that my friends don't, and vice versa.

well i did date this guy that was physically attractive but was very disrespectful and ugly on the inside. I didn't find that out until later. I knew within the first date that his looks outweighed his personality, but yet i continued to date him for another month or so until everything ended pretty nasty and me driving off and leaving him on the side of the road to walk home. I should have done away with it as soon as i knew he wasn't likeable but i tried to make myself like and it didn't work.

CarrieMpls said:

I don't see a contradiction here. You're attracted to whom you're attracted to, it's that simple. Sometimes it is a person that many others can agree is attractive, some times just a few. Sometimes you're not attracted at first, but start to feel attracted at a later point, just like you say. The important thing is just to feel attracted, for whatever reason. If you don't, you might want to look for someone else.

Then you could always argue that physical attraction is not the most important factor in a relationship anyway, or even one of the primary things, but that's another discussion....

And just to clarify, I'm basically just agreeing with you here. I just wanted to add more words.

missfee said:

Honestly, your classic beauty types. Halle (my last GF was a dead ringer), Nia Long (this GF was a good friend years after we broke up), Lark Voorhies (my first crush/GF could've been her sister), you get the picture. My wife has been compared to other celebrities as well, just celebrities that aren't my "type".
However, these females in my past were not the total package that my wife is. First she's secure and comfortable with herself. Second, she's not the jealous and angry type. Third, she's hella smart, sweet, kind, nurturing, loving, thoughtful, confident, and spiritual. Finally, she's just the woman for me...we got a spiritual connection, that's all.

Adisa said:

Thats great.. I love to hear positive stories like this. It gives me hope that the right guy has come or will come into my life and that I will hopefully recognize it and marry him.

i know this is gonna sound kinda contrived, but i was driving yesterday and this song came on by Musiq (i heard it coupla years ago, but it didn't really move me like it did yesterday)...i think i'm gonna go ahead and push on with this relationship...i don't think i'll find too many other females who can put up with my quirks

appreciate all of your input, guys.



Don't Change

Lately you've been questioning
If I still see you the same way
We gonna both physically change
Now don't you know you you'll always be
The most beautiful woman I know
So let me reassure you darlin that
My feelings are truly unconditional

[Chorus]
See I'll love you when your hair turns gray
I'll still want you if you gain a little weight
The way I feel for you will always be the same
Just as long as your love don't change, No


I was meant for you and you was meant for me yeah
And I'll make sure that I'll be everything you need
Girl the way we are is how its gonna be
Just as long as your love don't change

Cause I'm not impressed, more or less
By them girls in the T.V and magazines
Cause honestly I believe that your beauty
Is way more than skin deep
Cause everything about you makes me feel
I have the greatest gift in the world
And even when you get on my last nerve
I couldn't see myself being with another girl

[Chorus]

So don't waste your time worrying bout
Small things ain't relevant to me
Cause to my understanding your all I want and need
See what I'm trying to say is I'm here to stay
Baby, baby darling I swear that I,
I swear I ain't going nowhere no.

You are my baby
Don't you change baby
I love you, got to know,
Yeah, yeah

Natisse said:

A lot of folks agree, and he did say she was pretty....he just ain't liking the body. Understandable. I know cute females who are too skinny or underdeveloped in important areas. We like what it is we like.

meltwithu said:

OK. Was NOT expecting you to say that. But much fortune to you ... and since we've all been in your bizness, update us periodically.

SynthiaRose said:

will do...not gonna tell you when we do the horizontal mambo though...a real brutha doesn't kiss and tell

meltwithu said:

Ahhhhh That's so sweet. So there must be something there.... You see her beauty, you do... Ahhhhh Congrats.....

meltwithu said:

awwwww thats the most wonderful thing you could have said !!!!!

having questions along the way is ok... working them out is a great thing... i know i dont know you at all, and i hope this doesnt sound silly, but man, im proud of you for making the choice you made honestly, you thought it through and SOME folks were even kinda nasty about it but you pulled through and came walking out like a REAL man one that can see the value of a great woman even WITH a few extra pounds. i hope she never finds out about your original questions, but i hope she is able to see YOUR inner beauty and all the wonderful qualities that you have. i wish you both the best, i hope the sex is top quality , and i appreciate you allowing us to peek inside your personal life.. thats not always an easy thing to do around here.


best wishes sweetie, and just in case she IS the marrying kind....



































can those of us that answered the thread up till you gave your decision be invited to the wedding ???

best wishes man.... i mean that with all my heart great choice !

abierman said:

I actually agree with you.

missfee said:

Yea, that doesn't work. Well, maybe for guys but not for many women

I tried dating a guy that had zero happening upstairs but he was so fuckin' FINE, but I couldn't make it past 3 dates. The dick wasn't worth all the blank stares I had to give him

Adisa said:

fair enough...very true we like what we like

Hotlegs said:

Hey hotlegs, just because you aren't overweight doesn't garner attractiveness. Just thought I'd add that. You're the illest!

How about this...my ex told me once while I was dropping weight, that he didn't notice....he was too busy looking at my ass. Dude, he said that after at least 45 dropped off. I lost 50.

I guess it's up to the individual. I was a bad ass bia before it dropped and a bad ass bia after. Not being overweight garnering attractiveness is silly.

Was this reply even neccessary? Probabally not But I had to say something.

CalhounSq said:

yes tell me about it.

A dingy man is a crime against nature. Women can be dingy, but a man?

KatSkrizzle said:

Just so that you know, I don't think weight necessarily has anything to do with attractiveness b/c looks are in the eyes of the beholder(particulary with men as Melt has demonstrated). Also, let's keep in mind that attractiveness is sometime not mearly defined just by looks only but also intellect in many cases.

I find that some on the org tend to carry the assumption that I'm overweight since I have some empathy for women who are overweight which is inaccurate assumption. So, this is why I wanted to make it clear what my true physical built is like since there is no photo of myself available on this site. When in fact as a women, I have compassion for their plight which is only natural.
[Edited 8/9/05 7:33am]

KatSkrizzle said:

In society, there is a double standard with dingyness in the sexes. Society will tolerate more dingyness from a man more so than a woman b/c a woman has been percieved over the decades in Western Society as being well kept and glamourous.
[Edited 8/9/05 7:12am]

retina said:

You're right.
I totally get ya. It's not 2 different thoughts. I guess it just kinda illustrates the difference between physical attraction and mental attraction, maybe? And that's not even the right way to put it, cause even if it's all the 'mental qualities' that attract me, I want them physically too. lol.
Now I'm not even sure what I was trying to say...

THIS WOMAN SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY LOVELY PERSON,GOOD ,HONEST,KIND AND HAS A LOT OF LOVE TO GIVE...I THINK SHE CAN DO BETTER THAN BE WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU WHO SEES HIMSELF AS SUPERIOR TO HER.DO HER A BIG FAVOUR AND END IT, LET HER FIND A MAN WHO ADORES HER BODY AND SOUL.

meltwithu said:

This song always makes me cry! This song should personify the way you think about her as she is! Do not try to make this work out of familiarity or comfort. U need to emotionally be on FIRE for this woman!! She sounds like a great girl and deserves no less. Think about the changes that life takes. What if she gains more weight when u have children? As I mentioned in my comment u have to be very careful when approaching the subject of weight and adressing health not vanity. I truly hope that u are seeing this with fresh eyes and truth. Good luck baby.

meltwithu said:

I think you have to accept her as she is or move on. You knew she had a little extra weight when you started seeing her so its not really fair now to turn around and ask her to lose it.

I was in the same position with a very good friend a few years back. We got on really well, had lots of similar interests and started going out. Ater a while, I realised I wasn't physically attracted to him and could never see us having sex. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him, I just didn't feel a spark and in my opinion, a relationship without sex (or the desire to have sex) is just a friendship. Needless to say I ended it.

Maybe deep down you just don't feel a spark with her and you're putting it down to her weight. I think you have to do some thinking and really work out what you want.
[Edited 8/9/05 10:35am]

CarrieMpls said:

Sometimes its extremely difficult to pinpoint what you find attractive. The only way I can describe it is chemistry or a spark. When you see the person, talk to them, you get that butterfly feeling in your tummy and its sooooo good!

cammille said:

what you say cammille has a lot of truth in it she does sound like a wonderful person. however, it is my hope that he doesnt seem himself as 'superior' because that would be totally fucked up !

i think he had some questions... some things he needed to soul search about he did, and it seems he realized that he has a good woman standing in front of him that he doesnt want to lose.... therefore, he decided to stay right where he is.

it is my most sincere hope that he moves forward in this relationship. perhaps showers her with all the attention and loving feelings he has been holding back in small ways... move forward in the relationship and enjoy all it has to offer. next time hes cuddling with her, or kissing her, perhaps this time he will progress to the next step and enjoy the closeness that they share

i still stand by what i said and wish him all the luck just because you have questions in a relationship doesnt mean that its over before it starts... i think really it means you are weighing it all out and seeing in your heart and mind if this could last for years to come. actually, i give the man props for not sleeping with her before he thought the whole thing out

another flip side to this is that maybe melt really does have deeper feelings for the woman and is just using her weight as an excuse to avoid committing to her...some men do this all the time because they are afraid of being with just "one" woman for the rest of their lives, when they finally find her, they get scared and screw up..women do the same thing too...

missfee said:

You've made some valid points.

i never have...but i am attracted to a broad range of men...i don't really have a "type".

however on a side note...i helped convince one of my best friends to start dating a guy she wasn't initially attracted to...7 years later they are happily married, have a beautiful 1 year old daughter and (according to her) continue to have mind blowing sex.



maybe everyone is worth giving a chance....

but you have to decide and decide quickly...before she gets in too deep and you really hurt her. good luck.

Natsume said:

i second this. as a woman who will never be a size 5 (and frankly at my height would never WANT to ... ewww) and who has struggled with weight almost my entire adult life....it is an issue that she will never get over if you are honest with her. if a guy didn't want to date me because of my weight i would much prefer he lie to me and give me a different excuse. if you don't want to hurt her and possibly damage her forever (if you truly care for her as you claim to) tell her it is for another reason should you decide to end the 'relationship'....any other reason.