Ace said:

We're on the same page.

My take on it...

Let's pretend this chick was smaller or in shape: there would still be an issue. She seems a bit clingy considering you've already said "it'll be at least a year", etc.... the only difference is you would have fucked the skinny version already but the clingy behavior would still scare you a bit - she's moving too fast for you w/ talk of moving in & saying she loves you considering the "boundaries" you've set. But since weight is the more tangible issue (than a possible lifetime of clingy shit), that's the main reason you wanna put on the brakes... that & the fact that you'd like to actually fuck who you're dating

The hugging/kissing/holding hands is making it worse b/c you're making her think she has a shot. If you're not gonna take it all the way then cut it off already, it's SO unfair to her. There's nothing wrong w/ having a preference - your heart was in the right place & all but this experiment isn't going well so don't drag it out. Let her find someone that does wanna fuck her & pray that you find someone that's as good as she is on the inside w/ the proper packaging

Even if you suggested the gym & all that other shit that could possibly hurt her feelings (she trusts you & feels safe w/ you - do NOT even think of betraying that by mentioning her weight!!) it may not be long term. She could get in shape for a while then get big again... or bigger than she is now - then what would you do? If you cannot be w/ this woman no matter her size just get out or there'll be resentment all around.

Oh, and to answer the Q w/o commenting on your situation - no, I've never dated someone who I didn't find at least somewhat attractive. People can grow on you but only so much. And I like to fuck.

CalhounSq said:

Just because the dude does find the extra weight hot does not make him shallow. He recognizes what a great person she is. But if the physical attraction is not there it's not going to work!!! And just because a guy wants a girl with the hour glass figure does not make him shallow either. We cannot help what we are attracted to.

And just because a person is always looking for something better to come along does not make us shallow either. Life is short and most people want the best they can get.

Whether it sounds shallow or not looks are important, it's what physical attraction is all about. Without that what do you have? You sure as hell don't have any sex. You rarely see a great looking guy with a ugly ass woman and a great looking babe with a fat balding guy. (unless he's wealthy). Looks are important to people.

Spats said:

Well , I know you've made some valid points. As an attractive women, I've never been in the overweight catagory nor have dated a guy who is in that catagory .Let's face it now, rather some people know or not, they're a reflection of what they attract rather they now it or not.

So, I agree on your points that looks are are an important aspect along with chemistry in a relationship. Over the years, I found that looks is just one aspect but chemisty is also important. Looks are only a superficial thing and only skin deep. So, I found it's best to get to know the man behind the penis rather than leap too fast and have regrets later.

However, in a situation like Melts, he needs to be ufront with her and let her know whats on his mind rather keep laging the relationship on .
[Edited 8/8/05 8:34am]

...can't believe how SERIOUSLY you're all taking this thread!

nah, of course i haven't.

SynthiaRose said:

I can't agree more than this. And you know, in her situation, feeling how lucky she must feel for 'catching' someone who's willing to give her the time of day in the fickle, vain society we live in... well, it should motivate her to jump-start taking control of herself. It's not about looking like a twig. When you feel better about how you look, it affects the deepest places inside you and has control over everything you do in life and how you do it. It affects how you treat the people you care about. And again, it might be because of vanity, sure. But it's just the truth. When you look in the mirror and completely loathe what you've become, it's not quite easy to make any self-imporvements let alone to go out there, work 40 hours a week, raise children, or even have a healthy relationship with someone. How can you love anyone when you hate yourself? You're given only so much time here. It's worth the pain of slightly altering one's diet and exercise if it means you're going to be happier. And the changes would be vast. It'd likely affect her self-esteem and self-control.



Unfortunately, yes, you're leading her on. You're showing signs that you want to be wih her and it's obvious how she feels about you. The longer you let this go on, the worse it's going to get for you both.

Darlin', that's just not how it is. "Slightly altering one's diet and exercise" may make one healthier, but it rarely makes a very overweight person much thinner (subtext: you can take good care of yourself and be healthy without being skinny ). The bullshit pop media line is that a salad and 30 minutes of exercise a day will make all of those slovenly pigs skinny, but if you do a little research, the science shows otherwise. She would probably have to make extreme alterations, and maybe she would rather not obsess over her weight like that. Self-control rarely has anything to do with it.

I bang away at this point with some regularity because the stigma of fat people as lazy pigs with no self-control and psychological problems is a lot of why fat people are considered automatically unattractive in our culture. There's nothing inherently unattractive about fat. It's the baggage attached to it in people's minds. Lose the baggage, and the issue largely goes away.


However, that doesn't help individuals, fat or thin, who currently live in a shallow, ignorant culture and are being hurt by it.

tackam said:

You're completely right, darling. If this girl is happy inside and out, I have unending admiration for her for rising above what's force-fed to us by our media and culture. I respect everyone who does, as it's all too easy to become affected.

And again, I somewhat mentioned that being rail-thin shouldn't be anyone's goal. But feeling decent physically DOES have lots to to with the ability to outwardly project positivity.

If he lets her down, I pray he does it easy.

I was with a guy once who even though HE approached me, flirted with me, got my number, called me, was romantic, had sex and was satisfied, and even lived with me and told me that he wanted to marry me, was still knowingly uncomfortable with my weight. I was the first plus sized (if i must) girl that he had been with. He suggested more exercise and I changed what we ate (much to his chagrin). I knew I needed to do more and I tried my best to feel like he wanted to help. Instead it made me self-consious. I do not have a negative body image despite being overweight. I carry it well, I feel, and have never had a problem with the men I dated and/or slept with. So, i guess that I could not deny the feelings of contemt and anger that lay underneath. He approached me, the way that I am. All the other men I have been with have accepted me and were very attracted to me. He wanted me to change to make him feel better about being with me. That was the (forgive me) slimmed down truth of it. To make a long story short I dumped him. Then I joined a gym. Not because I wanted to prove something to him or anyone else, but because I wanted it for myself. AND I STILL LOOK GOOD!

Please let her go. U can't change what u feel and she can't change anything about her self-esteem or body image with u or because of u. She has to want it for herself. Good luck!

purpleizpassion said:

Very well said. This thread needed somebody who was on the women's point of view.

M

MIGUELGOMEZ said:

Hotlegs said:

Wise words!!

I am very much more interested in someone's personality and their inside than with physical perfection. Personality, humor, intellect....those things turn me on way more than a perfect body and helps me to appreciate a person's imperfections and find those desirable.

But please let's not kid ourselves, sexuality is very important in a relationship (for men and women) and if you aint feelin it, remember it's your happiness for the rest of your life. Do you want to be unhappy? Giving her a fake relationship so as not to make her unhappy, that isn't going to do either one of you any good. Women seem to be more forgiving of the weight thing than men, but if it's causing you drama the best thing to do is move on and not drag out the innevitable.

And yes, it really is wise to remember that we are human beings and human beings don't keep that young body forver.

.
[Edited 8/8/05 15:09pm]
[Edited 8/8/05 15:11pm]

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

You are genius.... Would you please broadcast this in front of all of the shallow men and women of the world???

Leave her. There's an equally chubby fella out there just dying to jump her bones and make her feel like a princess. Step away and let it happen, you are denying her true happiness.

charlottegelin said:

how do you figure he will be chubby?

missfee said:

see the many sensible arguments above which go into people being attracted to others of similar attractiveness.

I can't see the future so I can't say for sure he will be chubby

charlottegelin said:

oh i gotcha...

meltwithu said:

Maybe it's not her weight at all: maybe you just like her as a friend, period. You can see that she is a great woman and potential wife for someone else but not you.

I have had the experience of dating really attractive men and being crazy about them. Then I've had the experience of dating average looking guys who had great personalities and being crazy about them,too. I married a combination of great looking guy with an equally great personality. But then again, I love him, so maybe that's just what I see. It all has to do with the chemistry sometimes, not so much the physical appearance. I mean, if this girl were thin, would you be crazy about her or would there still be something missing?? I bet if you think about it then maybe it's not all about her weight coz I think if you really, really were attracted as more than just someone to hang-out with then you wouldn't "see" her weight.

I haven't read all of this thread,so someone may have said this already.

i gotta add this...

there was a guy that i dated a while back, he was SOOOOO not my type we kept seeing each other, and before i knew it, i was CRAZY in love with him... i surprised myself as to what a great gift i woulda walked right by because he wasnt my 'type'. the idea is to get past the outside, get to the inside and find the heart and soul of the person. thats where love grows, not from anything in your jeans .

luv4u said:

Thank goodness for that. She's not attractive at all - just a bony-ass, empty-headed, racist skank. I see chicks in my neighborhood that blow her away.

nakedpianoplayer said:

Awwwww, well put

abierman said:

I beg to differ. It's true that visual stimualtion is more important to a man and emotional stimulation is for a woman. However, my wife of 4 1/2 years, whom I've been with for 9 years, is not my "type". True, she's attractive in her own way, but she simply isn't the type of woman I'm immediately attracted to. Hell, even she knows it, as do all of my old-school homies and family whom have seen the girls I've dated before her.

But, she's my sweetie regardless. And, honestly, everyone is sooooo envious of the relationship and love that we have for one another...but in a loving way. Our friends and family truly do wish they were in relationships as wonderful as ours. They've all told us so.

Adisa said:

see, now thats beautiful

you both are so lucky to have found and built on that kinda love....

Adisa said:

so what kind of women did you date before your wife, and how do they compare to your wife?

however you try to cut it... if you're not hot for the person, you should just be close loyal friends! that's my opinon, and I've been on both sides of this equation.